i think i've come a long way from those wayward teenage years, but in some ways i feel like i haven't gotten very far. four and a half years out of college, a bachelor's degree under my belt, a thusfar sucessful career, and i still feel like a kid with no diretion. i guess i've got some direction. and i know how to make money if i want to, but it doesn't feel like my life. it feels like i'm watching someone else for a while. there are so many things i'm just learning: how to be responsible for money, how to deal with relationships, the worth of my friends, keep house, to love travel, and even more basic - just things i like to do, things that fire my brain and keep me going. why didn't someone teach me some of these things earlier on? sometimes i feel like i just got thrown into the world without a spoon or a fork and was told i had to eat it all in one sitting and i've only now just figured out how to get my hands free from behind my back - ten years later and the half the world has passed me by and i will never get to taste it.

maybe it's just the end of the year blues and thinking of another year having passed by and feeling no closer to my goal. well, i might be closer if i knew what the goal was, but i'm drifting and aimless and it makes for a poor end-of-the review. actually i've learned a lot this year and even accomplished some major things. but i'm looking forward to a new start. new years have never really meant much to me, but in the last couple of years, i've begun to look forward to the new start. maybe it's age - getting older and realizing that i will always be getting older. and hopefully, wiser, though that will remain to be seen.

i keep thinking i need to start getting serious about finding a job, but i don't particularly want a job though i suppose i should. but i think my financial situation is becoming perilous and it's starting to stress me out. which i suppose is natural. oh if i didn't have a child, i'd so be in cambodia living off $6 a month...

i think it's funny how often people find love. but just as often they find out they were mistaken and more likely just in lust, or they get their hearts broken. people sometimes look at every member of the opposite sex as a potential partner, forever looking for that perfect one. trust me, it's easier if you do it the opposite way - just know that you're not going to want a relationship with any member of the opposite sex, and when you find one you do, well hell, you've gotten lucky. don't take this the wrong way - i've been in love. madly and wonderfully and perfectly in love - utterly blissed out and content beyond words for four and a half years. but we were both practical people and we ended it (being far too young and inexperienced to settle down for the rest of our lives - what other option is there besides breaking up if you're not going to settle down for the rest of your lives together? i guess there are a variety of options if you're into the whole poly relationship thing, but i'm rather traditional in a lot of ways and i don't share.)

well, perhaps it's more sad than funny. there's a desperateness about that need for love, that need to be in love, to be in a relationship. hearing stories about other people and their relationship attempts always fascinates me. and alienates me too because i don't understand it, and i am slightly repulsed by it.

so here i am at almost 28 (next month :), finally freed from the emotional clutches of that one good relationship (after 2 years), and dating someone that i really like. it feels bizarre sometimes. it's been so long since i've had a healthy, normal relationship, i'd completely forgotten what fun they could be. course it's really only been about a month, so we've got another two months left in our trial period. i tend to only last for about three months in these types of things, unless i'm dragging the damn thing out which i've done a couple of times (always with full disclosure of course). so that whole love thing? i guess i've never had any doubts i'd find it. i'm just not in any hurry to settle down.

that's if i take my patch off. if i leave it on, i can't sleep the night through. my dreams are vivid and often wake me. the dreams themselves are often dependent on the mood i'm in when i go to bed, and lately it's not always a good one and i wake up feeling unrested and tired, and oftentimes grumpy.

life is a whir...i just want to have a decent night's sleep...

in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have turned my back on her, but she was a tiny, thin woman - could've been homeless, but could've not - she wasn't particularly respectable looking, but she wasn't filthy either, and i didn't really feel threatened by her or frightened though maybe i should have. she had an accent and i think she was hispanic, but could've been a light skinned black woman. i'm not sure and i didn't pay particularly close attention to her, though i probably should have. the whole thing was just really bizarre to me. i guess i just don't get it. well, i do a little bit cause i've grown up with some of it in my family, and every now and again i can hear myself think thoughts that aren't pc and aren't really what i believe, but they're there on occasion. and part of it's my temper - i have a hot one and it flares up easily and i think you're prone to thinking the ugliest things possible when your temper flares like that. but i'd never act on it. and would never say anything to offend someone because i think i'm really empathic, too.

anyway, i got home and a friend called and said the boy i'm seeing wasn't on the new york plane that crashed in queens and i'm thinking 'what?' i don't have a tv and don't listen to the radio much and didn't even know about it and then she was telling me a story about some of our other friends who that morning called the police cause their neighbors were warring again (one of them stands under the window of the other one singing "crazy indian bitch" up at her - long story). see what a little rain in the city'll do to people? it fascinates me.

i had to read the harry potter books cause everyone's been making such a fuss about them and even some of my literary friends have read them and speak really highly of them. and i'll admit it, i'm a complete book snob and i started it and thought, ugh, this is written like crap (yes, i understand that harry potter is written for children), but i figured i'd eventually get into the plot of it and ignore the writing. i forget sometimes that that's how most people read - they don't care about how it's written, it's the plot that drives them to read. and harry potter is great like that - it's funny and engaging and the plot'll definitely push you along to get to the end.

i'll read books that i think aren't written all that well if i think they'll be interesting. not that often, but i do read popular fiction every now and again. sometimes it's just a good break - a mind numbing activity. it's like being able to afford caviar every night and every once in a while having tuna fish just to kind of relive the olden days, right? i read a lot of other nonliterary shit, too. i like some nonfiction and tech stuff. i used to love true crime books when i was in high school, but the last time i tried to buy one, i just couldn't get myself to do it - they all looked so bad. anyway, this is boring, i'm done...sorry about droning on about the books...

i had to go in for jury duty today over at the bryant street courthouse. it was an interesting experience. i thought for sure i was going to have to serve. it was a solicitation for prostitution case. and i actually wouldn't have minded doing it because it was only in the afternoons and for less than a week and since i'm working from home i can work whatever hours i want to and i've never sat on a jury before and thought it might be a novel experience. my name was listed in the first group to sit in the jury box and they ask you all these questions and make these statements that you have to answer. it's interesting because you end up divulging a lot of rather personal information - i had to say stuff that i haven't even told people i know to a whole courtroom full of strangers. questions about my views on prostitution, had i or my friends or family been a victim of any criminal activity outside of having a car broken into, had i or my friends or family ever been arrested or perpetrated a crime? i found myself having to raise my hand so often i was embarassed. and you don't just answer yes or no, you have to go into some detail about the issue. then the lawyers ask you questions, then they get rid of those people they think won't be fair jurors to this particular trial, then the lawyers will just get rid of people they think won't be suitable for the trial whether they think the juror will be fair or not. and that's how i got booted. the state attorney knocked me off her list. probably because i said i didn't think prostitution should be illegal.

so that took almost four hours. not that long, but seemed a long time sitting in the juror box. it's funny cause it's a relief to not have to commit to serving on the jury, but there's this sense of rejection, too. why aren't i good enough for the jury? did i raise my hand too often? did you not like the information i divulged about my life and those around me? did you not like the way i looked? what's wrong with me? i can be fair damnit. but in the end, i was rather pleased to be free :)

by the way, do not eat mcdonald's if you're going to go running. i ate there because it happened to be next to the courthouse and i had to eat something before i ran. and i walked to the new montgomery/mission pinnacle from there which took about 20 minutes thinking it'd be enough time to digest through enough of it so that i could run, and the first couple miles were ok, but then those nasty chicken nuggets wanted to come back up and that's not pleasant. 5 miles with mcdonald's crappy food churning in your tummy...no, i don't even want to think about it.

oh, the walk over to the gym was interesting. i love walking around this city by myself. none of this kooky shit happens to me when i'm with other people. i get a lot of latino men who hiss hiss at me for attention. they do that a lot in costa rica and i've learned that if you just look over at them, that's all they want and then they leave you alone. and so i usually do - just look over and if they say hi or smile, i give them a pretty smile back. doesn't matter to me what he looks like or how annoying he is; it's just a second of my time and i find it amusing and somewhat flattering, too. i had this homeless guy spot me walking up the sidewalk and he looked at me, stopped, and then kind of wobbled side to side on his feet and it made me laugh and he laughed, too, pleased to have made me laugh. shit like that makes my day. strangers saying hello and asking me how i am makes my day. getting to walk around absorbed in my own world, oggling random shit makes my day. and as much as i love the other people in my life, sometimes i love my alone time even more.

looking through this page i see i've commented out a lot of things. it's funny cause every now and something makes me edit myself and small pieces of the site disappear into html comments. course, now that i've told you, you'll go looking for it, but it doesn't really matter and it's not all that interesting. small bits and pieces of old shit.

i used to be so nonchalant. nothing used to bother me. i came back from my costa rica trip so relaxed and in such high spirits. and lately i've been feeling like i've lost it all. i don't think i have, i've just temporarily forgotten how to get that high again. the other day i went walking around the castro waiting for a friend and i'd been stressed, but walking around was good again. and i think i just need to not be so self absorbed. to look around a little more and see things again because i've been wearing blinders and my focus is all on me and how dull is that?

about a week after i moved into the mission, i went walking down mission street by myself for the first time. after dark on a weekend night. it was fun. and it reminded me of being in costa rica. the spanish everywhere. men turning and making those little hissing noises to get your attention. an old man on the second floor a block or two away from my apartment leaned out and said "ah, que linda! buena noche cariña" and it was music to my ears. it was so sweet. good night sweetheart. i haven't heard that in a long time.

but it's always a little weird when people mention things from the site that i haven't told them personally. it's almost like they know too much about me, but only because i put it out there and told them where to find it. an odd dichotomy; a paradox of purpose. and sometimes the things i say don't paint me in the prettiest light, but that's when i need this place the most - this little hideaway that's not really a hideaway. but i figure if the worst thing i do is speak aloud my most unpleasant thoughts, how bad a person can i be? not very. unless, of course, you were going to spank me :)

sometimes i walk around and the thoughts i think would piss you off. they're violent and ugly. and i wonder sometimes, is this normal? should i be thinking this? on my way home from so cal on sunday i drove up an on-ramp where there was this dirty homeless looking guy trying to hitch a ride and all i could think was i could pick him up and take him away and no one would know what i'd done to him. that corrina's diary shit? that's not make believe; that comes from my head. writers, actors, artists, they all say that what they do doesn't necessarily reflect who they are, but i think it does. actors don't play the characters they do over and over again just because they look right. there's a part of those characters that is them. there's a part of what i write that's completely me. and this shit especially cause i don't edit it much and it just spills out of my head.

i walk by people and i'm disgusted. i can't even look at them. there's hatred but i don't know why. homeless people have been the target lately. because i know this about myself does it make it less likely i'll do something insane? i've been told i look innocent. i could be your next door neighbor, but do you know what i think of you? do you know what i'd do to you given half a chance and a good out. complete immunity? doesn't that make you think think twice about what you'd be willing to do? if you could get away with anything... i've been fantasizing about this weapon lately. i've never seen it before, but it probably exists, a circular blade with radiating blades, every surface serated so you can saw and tear in whatever direction you swung it and sometimes it consumes my imagination for brief periods of time: the damage you could do with something like that.

i run to keep sane. because my thoughts get heavy and dark. but if that no longer works, what do i do? increase my mileage? pick up my speed? how much farther can i go? and what if it's not enough? imagine what i'd do if i didn't sleep, and didn't eat and didn't run? where would my mind go? and what would i do? are these thoughts normal? they must be. tell me they must be because i try hard to stay sane. what if i couldn't maintain?