about me :: 2001

december 21, 2001
i was walking home today with a guitar in one hand and a potted plant in the other and a backpack on my back feeling a bit like i was running away from home. except i was dressed nice - dark, straight legged suit pants, squared toed boots, crisp, white, button-down, collared blouse, and and overcoat and gloves. hardly looking like a runaway, but feeling like one. and it made me reminiscent. tomorrow's my birthday and i turn 28. it sounds so old. so many years. in five years it'll be a third of a century. i met the father of my son when he was 27 - that was over ten years ago.

i think i've come a long way from those wayward teenage years, but in some ways i feel like i haven't gotten very far. four and a half years out of college, a bachelor's degree under my belt, a thusfar sucessful career, and i still feel like a kid with no diretion. i guess i've got some direction. and i know how to make money if i want to, but it doesn't feel like my life. it feels like i'm watching someone else for a while. there are so many things i'm just learning: how to be responsible for money, how to deal with relationships, the worth of my friends, keep house, to love travel, and even more basic - just things i like to do, things that fire my brain and keep me going. why didn't someone teach me some of these things earlier on? sometimes i feel like i just got thrown into the world without a spoon or a fork and was told i had to eat it all in one sitting and i've only now just figured out how to get my hands free from behind my back - ten years later and the half the world has passed me by and i will never get to taste it.

maybe it's just the end of the year blues and thinking of another year having passed by and feeling no closer to my goal. well, i might be closer if i knew what the goal was, but i'm drifting and aimless and it makes for a poor end-of-the review. actually i've learned a lot this year and even accomplished some major things. but i'm looking forward to a new start. new years have never really meant much to me, but in the last couple of years, i've begun to look forward to the new start. maybe it's age - getting older and realizing that i will always be getting older. and hopefully, wiser, though that will remain to be seen.

december 6, 2001
someone tried to run over my beau the other day when we were crossing the street in the mission. i think he was yelling 'kill whitey' out the driver's side window, too. it was funny, but i have license to laugh cause someone threatened me with fan blades a couple weeks ago :) i've been working this week, which you'd think i'd be more grateful for since i'm down to the last few hundred dollars in my bank accounts (that's the combined total in all three of them), but i'm sort of glad and miserable at the same time. i can't believe what they want to cram into the site in the last week before launch - an entire new section that has no content - tomorrow's friday; launch is monday - what're they thinking? i spent three hours at the end of tuesday coding some new feature into the shopping cart and then had to scrap it all on wednesday morning when they decided to go the easy route to save time. i'm getting new stuff left and right and supposed to tie it all together somehow and just finish it. lovely.

i keep thinking i need to start getting serious about finding a job, but i don't particularly want a job though i suppose i should. but i think my financial situation is becoming perilous and it's starting to stress me out. which i suppose is natural. oh if i didn't have a child, i'd so be in cambodia living off $6 a month...

november 30, 2001
i think that last entry made me sound more bitter than i am. i'm actually perfectly content :) and even dating someone who i'm rather content with. but love's elusive - if you're looking for it. luckily, i'm rather committment phobic and am never on the hunt for love; hell, i'm happy just to find someone who can intellectually stimulate me for more than a couple hours. oh, but he can't be just all smart - he's needs to be funny cause he's got to make me laugh, and be good in bed, and have nice legs with big calves, and be socially well adjusted and people friendly, and be physically fit, and, oh, he's got to be good at tying me up (that's a new criteria). so you can see how easy it would be to find all these wonderful men with all these wonderful qualities. i haven't even mentioned things like travelling and lifetime goals and money and lifestyles and literature and education, and oh - he has to absolutely adore me and think the entire world of me, and of course, how could i forget, i have to physically attracted to him, too - you can't have sex with someone you don't think is attractive, right? well maybe some of you can, and i certainly have, but i'm so much older and wiser and more mature than i used to be :)

i think it's funny how often people find love. but just as often they find out they were mistaken and more likely just in lust, or they get their hearts broken. people sometimes look at every member of the opposite sex as a potential partner, forever looking for that perfect one. trust me, it's easier if you do it the opposite way - just know that you're not going to want a relationship with any member of the opposite sex, and when you find one you do, well hell, you've gotten lucky. don't take this the wrong way - i've been in love. madly and wonderfully and perfectly in love - utterly blissed out and content beyond words for four and a half years. but we were both practical people and we ended it (being far too young and inexperienced to settle down for the rest of our lives - what other option is there besides breaking up if you're not going to settle down for the rest of your lives together? i guess there are a variety of options if you're into the whole poly relationship thing, but i'm rather traditional in a lot of ways and i don't share.)

well, perhaps it's more sad than funny. there's a desperateness about that need for love, that need to be in love, to be in a relationship. hearing stories about other people and their relationship attempts always fascinates me. and alienates me too because i don't understand it, and i am slightly repulsed by it.

so here i am at almost 28 (next month :), finally freed from the emotional clutches of that one good relationship (after 2 years), and dating someone that i really like. it feels bizarre sometimes. it's been so long since i've had a healthy, normal relationship, i'd completely forgotten what fun they could be. course it's really only been about a month, so we've got another two months left in our trial period. i tend to only last for about three months in these types of things, unless i'm dragging the damn thing out which i've done a couple of times (always with full disclosure of course). so that whole love thing? i guess i've never had any doubts i'd find it. i'm just not in any hurry to settle down.

november 28, 2001
favorite new quote: 'love is the killer you thought was your friend'. not that i'm a cynic or anything.

november 15, 2001
my sleeping habits are fucked up. i sleep this death sleep and i wake up and i feel like my head is an oversized q-tip. i never wake up in the middle of the night, but it's not restful and i don't remember it. it's like waking up from the dead in the mornings and i feel like i haven't slept at all.

that's if i take my patch off. if i leave it on, i can't sleep the night through. my dreams are vivid and often wake me. the dreams themselves are often dependent on the mood i'm in when i go to bed, and lately it's not always a good one and i wake up feeling unrested and tired, and oftentimes grumpy.

life is a whir...i just want to have a decent night's sleep...

november 14, 2001
i haven't gotten laid in almost two months i think. it must be some sort of record for me. oh, i went three months in costa rica without sex, but i had a no sex rule back then. this is just some sort of freak accident. must get laid...

november 12, 2001
it's raining in san francisco! oh, i love it. it's the perfect time of year - it's just starting to rain so it's not very cold and you can walk around without a jacket or umbrella (provided you don't mind getting wet) and enjoy the rain. i love it. i spent the night at a friend's last night and it rained all night long and what an odd morning. her bathroom was flooded this morning so i woke up early to bright lights and the toilet flushing. she's got a houseguest for a month and he was squeezing out towels and laying them back down to soak up the water. then i hopped on muni and got off at the civic center station and found bart was closed there so had to hop back on muni to powell and hop on bart there and they were giving out free bart rides (not that it makes a difference when you've got a nifty little fast pass). then i was walking home from the 24th/mission bart station (i live about 2 blocks from it), digging on the rain and lost in my own thoughts and i'm walking down 24th towards south van ness and this woman is walking up towards me and i'm staring at her right hand trying to figure out what she's got in it - it looks like a large bat (like a flying bat - not a baseball bat) and stops in front of me and says, 'get out of here, you gook, this is my neighborhood' and i realize she's holding the black, plastic blades from inside a fan, and she's got her arm raised somewhat threateningly and i just look at her and tell her i live here, too, and walk on and i hear her behind me say, 'not for long, you slant eyed whore'. so fascinating. i've never had anyone approach me with such racist hatred - i guess i've been lucky. but that was really bizarre.

in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have turned my back on her, but she was a tiny, thin woman - could've been homeless, but could've not - she wasn't particularly respectable looking, but she wasn't filthy either, and i didn't really feel threatened by her or frightened though maybe i should have. she had an accent and i think she was hispanic, but could've been a light skinned black woman. i'm not sure and i didn't pay particularly close attention to her, though i probably should have. the whole thing was just really bizarre to me. i guess i just don't get it. well, i do a little bit cause i've grown up with some of it in my family, and every now and again i can hear myself think thoughts that aren't pc and aren't really what i believe, but they're there on occasion. and part of it's my temper - i have a hot one and it flares up easily and i think you're prone to thinking the ugliest things possible when your temper flares like that. but i'd never act on it. and would never say anything to offend someone because i think i'm really empathic, too.

anyway, i got home and a friend called and said the boy i'm seeing wasn't on the new york plane that crashed in queens and i'm thinking 'what?' i don't have a tv and don't listen to the radio much and didn't even know about it and then she was telling me a story about some of our other friends who that morning called the police cause their neighbors were warring again (one of them stands under the window of the other one singing "crazy indian bitch" up at her - long story). see what a little rain in the city'll do to people? it fascinates me.

november 10, 2001
i was waiting at the 24th st/mission bart the other day to go somewhere, and i've been reading harry potter (i'm on book 2 now) and i have it with me all the time, usually in my hand, so i can read it whenever i have a free moment to while the time away, and this beautiful little hispanic (what's the pc term nowadays?) girl kept looking at me. she was there with her family - looked like her mother and a sibling and another older woman, perhaps and aunt or someone, and i looked at her and smiled and she looked at me again and said something to her mother and i looked her mom and smiled cause she was cute and for some reason really interested in me. she had these incredible, huge, hazel eyes and dark hair to her shoulders - she was so adorable. her mother turned to me and said that her daughter said that i was reading the same book she was and i laughed. i thought it was so funny that she thought it was so odd for me to be reading the same book she was reading.

i had to read the harry potter books cause everyone's been making such a fuss about them and even some of my literary friends have read them and speak really highly of them. and i'll admit it, i'm a complete book snob and i started it and thought, ugh, this is written like crap (yes, i understand that harry potter is written for children), but i figured i'd eventually get into the plot of it and ignore the writing. i forget sometimes that that's how most people read - they don't care about how it's written, it's the plot that drives them to read. and harry potter is great like that - it's funny and engaging and the plot'll definitely push you along to get to the end.

i'll read books that i think aren't written all that well if i think they'll be interesting. not that often, but i do read popular fiction every now and again. sometimes it's just a good break - a mind numbing activity. it's like being able to afford caviar every night and every once in a while having tuna fish just to kind of relive the olden days, right? i read a lot of other nonliterary shit, too. i like some nonfiction and tech stuff. i used to love true crime books when i was in high school, but the last time i tried to buy one, i just couldn't get myself to do it - they all looked so bad. anyway, this is boring, i'm done...sorry about droning on about the books...

november 6, 2001
a gorgeous black man said hello to me today. we were eyeing each other in the mcdonald's by the courthouse and then he got his food, walked by and said hello, and left. the black man standing in line behind me laughed, "you go girl. i see you; he knows what he's doing." then proceeded to tell me how in shape i was. and told me guys liked a little meat on women when we got to talking about my hefty upper arms. and i just laughed cause he was sweet. i love these little moments. they're really flattering. if i think about it, i know i'm relatively attractive because i've been told so enough times, but i'm not thinking every moment about what a hot babe i am, and when these little things happen it's like a pleasant surprise, like, wow, people think i'm good looking.

i had to go in for jury duty today over at the bryant street courthouse. it was an interesting experience. i thought for sure i was going to have to serve. it was a solicitation for prostitution case. and i actually wouldn't have minded doing it because it was only in the afternoons and for less than a week and since i'm working from home i can work whatever hours i want to and i've never sat on a jury before and thought it might be a novel experience. my name was listed in the first group to sit in the jury box and they ask you all these questions and make these statements that you have to answer. it's interesting because you end up divulging a lot of rather personal information - i had to say stuff that i haven't even told people i know to a whole courtroom full of strangers. questions about my views on prostitution, had i or my friends or family been a victim of any criminal activity outside of having a car broken into, had i or my friends or family ever been arrested or perpetrated a crime? i found myself having to raise my hand so often i was embarassed. and you don't just answer yes or no, you have to go into some detail about the issue. then the lawyers ask you questions, then they get rid of those people they think won't be fair jurors to this particular trial, then the lawyers will just get rid of people they think won't be suitable for the trial whether they think the juror will be fair or not. and that's how i got booted. the state attorney knocked me off her list. probably because i said i didn't think prostitution should be illegal.

so that took almost four hours. not that long, but seemed a long time sitting in the juror box. it's funny cause it's a relief to not have to commit to serving on the jury, but there's this sense of rejection, too. why aren't i good enough for the jury? did i raise my hand too often? did you not like the information i divulged about my life and those around me? did you not like the way i looked? what's wrong with me? i can be fair damnit. but in the end, i was rather pleased to be free :)

by the way, do not eat mcdonald's if you're going to go running. i ate there because it happened to be next to the courthouse and i had to eat something before i ran. and i walked to the new montgomery/mission pinnacle from there which took about 20 minutes thinking it'd be enough time to digest through enough of it so that i could run, and the first couple miles were ok, but then those nasty chicken nuggets wanted to come back up and that's not pleasant. 5 miles with mcdonald's crappy food churning in your tummy...no, i don't even want to think about it.

oh, the walk over to the gym was interesting. i love walking around this city by myself. none of this kooky shit happens to me when i'm with other people. i get a lot of latino men who hiss hiss at me for attention. they do that a lot in costa rica and i've learned that if you just look over at them, that's all they want and then they leave you alone. and so i usually do - just look over and if they say hi or smile, i give them a pretty smile back. doesn't matter to me what he looks like or how annoying he is; it's just a second of my time and i find it amusing and somewhat flattering, too. i had this homeless guy spot me walking up the sidewalk and he looked at me, stopped, and then kind of wobbled side to side on his feet and it made me laugh and he laughed, too, pleased to have made me laugh. shit like that makes my day. strangers saying hello and asking me how i am makes my day. getting to walk around absorbed in my own world, oggling random shit makes my day. and as much as i love the other people in my life, sometimes i love my alone time even more.

november 5, 2001
ha...sometimes i wonder what the hell's happened to me. why am i so stressed? what happened to little miss "take everything lightly as it comes"? i guess i can blame a small part of it on quitting smoking, though the patches work pretty well to curb those nasty moods. i think i've written this down somewhere, but i remember quitting one time and heading out to vegas with a boyfriend. we were only an hour into the trip, but he turned right the hell around when we realized i'd forgotten my nicotine patches. that was years ago. obviously i've been smoking again. it's a nasty habit in all sorts of ways, but so difficult to give up. i've done pretty well this round, but it's starting to get a little harder and a little more harder - you'd think it'd be the other way - the longer you quit, the easier it gets, but no.

looking through this page i see i've commented out a lot of things. it's funny cause every now and something makes me edit myself and small pieces of the site disappear into html comments. course, now that i've told you, you'll go looking for it, but it doesn't really matter and it's not all that interesting. small bits and pieces of old shit.

i used to be so nonchalant. nothing used to bother me. i came back from my costa rica trip so relaxed and in such high spirits. and lately i've been feeling like i've lost it all. i don't think i have, i've just temporarily forgotten how to get that high again. the other day i went walking around the castro waiting for a friend and i'd been stressed, but walking around was good again. and i think i just need to not be so self absorbed. to look around a little more and see things again because i've been wearing blinders and my focus is all on me and how dull is that?

about a week after i moved into the mission, i went walking down mission street by myself for the first time. after dark on a weekend night. it was fun. and it reminded me of being in costa rica. the spanish everywhere. men turning and making those little hissing noises to get your attention. an old man on the second floor a block or two away from my apartment leaned out and said "ah, que linda! buena noche cariña" and it was music to my ears. it was so sweet. good night sweetheart. i haven't heard that in a long time.

november 1, 2001
whew. i thought i was going to scare off a potential beau with my ramblings, but i guess he doesn't frighten easily. sometimes i forget that people read this. just for a moment, but i do and it's like yelling out into the void and thinking no one'll hear and they do. and then other times i write things because i know people read it. if i look back through the journal entries and corrina's diary (as sporadic as they are), i can tell distinct periods in my life by certain entries. and it's kind of cool to go back and read them and remember where i was in life at that moment, at that date.

but it's always a little weird when people mention things from the site that i haven't told them personally. it's almost like they know too much about me, but only because i put it out there and told them where to find it. an odd dichotomy; a paradox of purpose. and sometimes the things i say don't paint me in the prettiest light, but that's when i need this place the most - this little hideaway that's not really a hideaway. but i figure if the worst thing i do is speak aloud my most unpleasant thoughts, how bad a person can i be? not very. unless, of course, you were going to spank me :)

october 30, 2001
i've spent most of today in a murderous rage for some reason. i don't know why. too much shit going on in my head. not enough sleep. not enough food. i don't know. but my thoughts are dark and angry. everything i did i was pissed about. this contract job is supposed to come to an end and i've been diddling around with my dick hanging out for almost a week now. there hasn't been anything interesting or difficult to do; i've been fixing style sheets for god's sake. and waiting for content. the site launches in less than a week and i'm still waiting on content. and then they want to throw this shit in at the last minute which means i have to do some serious work and you'd think i'd be excited to do something interesting, but my head's already left that place and i'm just waiting it out til the end, and to have to pull myself back into it doesn't appeal to me at all.

sometimes i walk around and the thoughts i think would piss you off. they're violent and ugly. and i wonder sometimes, is this normal? should i be thinking this? on my way home from so cal on sunday i drove up an on-ramp where there was this dirty homeless looking guy trying to hitch a ride and all i could think was i could pick him up and take him away and no one would know what i'd done to him. that corrina's diary shit? that's not make believe; that comes from my head. writers, actors, artists, they all say that what they do doesn't necessarily reflect who they are, but i think it does. actors don't play the characters they do over and over again just because they look right. there's a part of those characters that is them. there's a part of what i write that's completely me. and this shit especially cause i don't edit it much and it just spills out of my head.

i walk by people and i'm disgusted. i can't even look at them. there's hatred but i don't know why. homeless people have been the target lately. because i know this about myself does it make it less likely i'll do something insane? i've been told i look innocent. i could be your next door neighbor, but do you know what i think of you? do you know what i'd do to you given half a chance and a good out. complete immunity? doesn't that make you think think twice about what you'd be willing to do? if you could get away with anything... i've been fantasizing about this weapon lately. i've never seen it before, but it probably exists, a circular blade with radiating blades, every surface serated so you can saw and tear in whatever direction you swung it and sometimes it consumes my imagination for brief periods of time: the damage you could do with something like that.

i run to keep sane. because my thoughts get heavy and dark. but if that no longer works, what do i do? increase my mileage? pick up my speed? how much farther can i go? and what if it's not enough? imagine what i'd do if i didn't sleep, and didn't eat and didn't run? where would my mind go? and what would i do? are these thoughts normal? they must be. tell me they must be because i try hard to stay sane. what if i couldn't maintain?

i write to stay sane, too. not this crap on the website which i spew out of my ass, but in a journal that no one sees so i can say whatever i want. but it doesn't matter whether here or there because as soon as i write it, it'll no longer matter. as soon as i write it, it'll cease to exist. and as soon as i write it, i will forget. and this is why i do it.

october 27, 2001
i left the city even though there were some great halloween parties i wanted to go to. i figured it'd be too much stimulus for me right now. my emotions are in havoc. i blame it partially on my period, and partially on the odd confluence of changes in all aspects of my life: employment changes, sexuality exploration, relocation. not to mention relationship issues and quitting smoking.

the drive home: long. i was tired. four hours of sleep the night before and just slightly more the night before that (nothing kinky, just my first night with dsl - well i guess that's slightly kinky :) i have this fantasy about picking up on a random truck driver as i'm driving on the highway and having sex with him in his cab (i hear those cabs are pretty plush) and i think about that whenever i'm making that long drive to pass the time. i think about a lot of things to pass the time. i actually rather like making the drive for the alone, thinking time - how often do you get 6-7 hours completely and totally to yourself? i've figured out all sorts of shit like that. course i've confused the fuck out of a lot of other shit like that too.

i've discovered that i make my potty breaks at roughly the same stops, and at major points i can gauge the distance to home by the freeway exits. but it isn't until i get just past the 110 on the 405 that i feel like i'm home. i used to do that drive all the time while i was in college. 110 to the 405 south from south central los angeles to fountain valley where my boyfriend lived, or to irvine to visit the family. that part of the freeway's mine. it's home: the safety zone. and i tear down that thing (as much as i can tear down anything in a little '94 ford escort) with the wind whipping in through the window (usually smoking like a fiend though not anymore) and the radio blaring (tape player's been dead for years), my foot too heavy on the accelerator from being used to the dead space on the I-5, and there's almost always construction going on (why?). and once i'm off the freeway at the jamboree exit, it's like i never left there. i can make it from there with my eyes closed (though i can't figure it out on an aerial map :) sometimes i forget that i can feel like that. sometimes i forget that something can be that comfortable. it's been far too long.

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october 25, 2001
running is such a high. i haven't worked out in a week and a half - moving into the new place and things getting hectic at work and etc. so i haven't really had a good run since i quit smoking. in the first couple days of not smoking, it was almost harder to run and breathe than before i quit. but i went last night and had a decent run. but today at lunch i had an awesome run. stayed out much later than i meant to for my lunch break, but it was so good i couldn't stop.

i love the feeling after my body's finally warmed up and i know my form is good - rolling the foot, heel to toe, heel to toe, seeing my arms swing in my peripheral vision, aligned and close to my torso, knees pumping, and breathing, breathing, inhale, exhale. everything's rhythmic, everything's aligned. i can get through anything by breathing. sometimes when it hurts i breathe through the stomach cramps, the shin splints, the knee pain. i'm sure you're probably suppose to stop when your body's aching, but i love the fact that i can just breathe. my body's a clock keeping time, left, right, left, right. the thud of the heel, the sweat down my face, my arms, legs, my back, ponytail swinging left and right, left and right, keeping time with the feet...tick tock tick tock...

if i've got music playing in my headphones, and enough calories to last me, i feel like i can run forever and ever. my body takes me there.

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october 23, 2001
i was listening to nine inch nails tonight (been doing that a lot lately) while i was cleaning up my little apartment. the fragile, left side. and some NIN songs remind me of my ex, the ex, and it's really intense. i was telling a friend of mine that i'd unpacked some photo albums the other day and they're emotionally intense, too. seeing images from a distant life that you loved and enjoyed, but left some way or another and there's a sense of nostalgic joy, but loss, too. and it's a bit sad, but not sad, because it's the past and done.

each song that reminds me of him reminds me of a different time in our lives and it used to make me feel mournful, but i've grown since then and now they're like the pictures - reminders of good times, reminders of the mourning i did at one time, reminders of him. and he might not necessarily be done with, but that part's the past and it's done and gone and the music can just be the music and my memories are good and i love that.

but i've been trapped by songs, too, before. for a long time i couldn't listen to a song (a crappy song i'm not even going to mention) cause it reminded me of someone i'd once dated. i'm not one to hate much, especially not ex'es, but i do this one and only this one, and it ate away at me to hear it being played over and over again. as soon as i recognized the song on the radio, i had to change the station. and it wasn't til just recently that i found myself listening to all of it, slightly distracted thinking about bigger things in life and i realized i could actually listen to it and not feel like i wanted to kill him. and that was release.

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oh god, i just had a good cry in the bathtub. been a while since i've done that. i have no idea why. i think sometimes you don't realize the things going on in your life. i've got a physiological thing that happens to me when i get really stressed. and i don't stress too easily so it's been years since it's happened and it struck just recently and made me realize i must've been really stressed and not even realized it. i think it's the same thing with the crying. sometimes you just do it and it's a release. i don't need to understand it all though my little analytical mind wants to, i can be ok with not knowing, too. i betcha it's that damn nine inch nails. now what was i just saying about them...?

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october 18, 2001
i took my first bath in my itty bitty tub :). i'll take a picture of it and put it up cause it's so tiny and cute. luckily i'm a small girl - i can sit in it pretty comfortably with my knees bent. the place is packed, but comfy. still have some unloading and removal of unnecessary items to be do, but after that i think it'll be cozy. went to my first night at bondage a go go. it was very cool, but not much different from the goth/fetish clubs i'd visited when i was younger; i guess i'd built up my expectations. but it was good to be back in that environment again. some very nice eye candy. and damn good music :)

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october 12, 2001
it's been almost a month and lots of changes. moved back to sf into the mission area. i love it here. the movers come tomorrow and move in all my crap. the place is small so who knows what it'll be like after getting everything in here, but it's adorable, a bit quirky, but adorable - there's no sink in the bathroom and the tub is about three feet long. rather short, but i'm a rather short gal.

<%=$p%>and i've been playing around - literally - in the kink scene and have discovered my buzz: hardcore bondage. i think it's why i enjoy corsets so much. i played a little bit with an excellent top. been playing with some other people and have enjoyed that as well, but nothing's beat this guy yet. not all that into pain; light pain i can handle. and i like bruises, but mostly if they've been gained in the pursuit of serious bondage. i'm finding this lifestyle extremely interesting; i'm completely hooked :)

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september 18, 2001
wow. what a week it's been. an incredibly tragic time, but out of it some beautiful things like an entire nation coming together in a way that i've never seen before. and most of the rest of the world mourning with us and rising up for us. i never thought i'd see something like this happen in my lifetime, and yet in some strange way, it's not unexpected either. but war is a foreign and incomprehensible thing to me because i've never really seen it's like and because in this age we live in, war can be destructive like it's never been before. technology has moved us far past losing lives in combat; now we can kill with biological weapons no one can see, cripple networks and destroy communication channels from afar, track and find targets in ways we couldn't before, and more i probably can't even fathom.

<%=$p%>seeing the news on september 11, 2001 and hearing the intentional destruction of the world trade center towers in new york being compared to pearl harbor chilled my heart. because i wasn't there, but i've seen how people react and remember. and i'm sure i will always react and remember because now every time i hear the news, or see an american flag, or military personnel, or firemen, or sometimes seemingly innocuous and unrelated things, my throat tightens and tears well up and for a week i've been always on the brink of tears. in some ways i've been surprised at the patriotrism that has risen so sharply and so quickly in my gut; i've always loved this country, but have never felt it like this. and in some ways it makes me feel helpless because i feel the need to do something, but i don't know what; the whole country has come to do something and there's so many of us and so little we can do right now.

<%=$p%>i don't think we will ever be the same again. the country has changed and shifted and will never regain what it's lost. a close friend of mine said that this week would be our first full week in the wake of the terrorist acts and it seems a momentous one. decisions being made, information being uncovered, military deployments, rescue efforts continuing. daily, nightly, hourly i say my prayers, and wear my colored ribbons, and wait to see what will happen, and swallow the tightness in my throat.

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september 10, 2001
burning man was awesome. i wasn't stressed out this year like i was last year about trying to see everything so i just wandered and hung out at different camps and met some really cool people and had a good relaxing time. the weather was awesome. last year was my first time and the weather was cold and windy and rainy and just plain shitty. i actually decided not to go, but changed my mind on wednesday and had a few hours to get ready for it and got there on thursday. i love this not having a job thing. makes those last minute decisions like that possible :)

<%=$p%>i went with a girlfriend and we camped at poly paradise with the polyamorous group famous for their carcass washes. they were incredibly friendly and accepting, but everyone there at bm is the same way. ate lunch a few times with the tuna guys who were awesome and made some very cool friends over there. ran into some people i knew. meant to go visit some other people i knew, but didn't quite make it - too much lounging around having a good time :)

<%=$p%>the visit up north went awesome in general. got to see all my friends i hadn't seen in a few months and they're such good people. it really warmed my heart to see them. i love my friends. and i got to hook up with a couple people i met in costa rica. that was very cool - odd at first to see them out of that environment and back in this one, but it was really good, too. and i miss the city. being in oakland, i kept thinking i could take it or leave it - moving back up north - but whenever i was actually in san francisco, i felt at home and felt like i had to come back. i will eventually, when the wind blows me in the right direction. for now i'm content to just wander about and see where i end up. i've gotten quite adept at making myself at home whereever i happen to be. in the month and a half since i've been back in the states i haven't spent more than two weeks in any one place and i like being so nomadic. it's a freedom and a luxury i've never tasted before. eventually money will become an issue and i'll have to go work or something - it's been almost 5 months since i've worked! - but for now, everything's just fucking peachy.

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september 7, 2001
i can't even begin to tell you the extent of the foul mood i'm in after waxing my legs. i was going to write about burning man a little bit, but i'm going to have to come back when my hair follicles are healed.

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august 29, 2001
i love being here. it's home. i might never go back south. just been hanging out seeing old friends, saw a girlfriend that i'd met in costa rica, having beers, gaining weight on incredibly yummy food :), and am going to burning man after all...tonight :)

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august 27, 2001
ooh, back up north - woohoo! my little car made it up here just fine. i even made it up here with only one stop - and with my bladder, that's pretty amazing. i did cook the fuck out of my left arm - i could hear the skin crackling when i bent it in the car; it was pretty hot all the way up. and sitting in the car for 7 hours is hard on the back, but i'm here and i love it. it was weird getting out of the car in oakland walking to my friend's apartment thinking, hey, i was in irvine this morning.

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august 25, 2001
i don't think guys like it when you laugh during sex. but if i wasn't enjoying myself, i wouldn't be laughing, right?

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august 23, 2001
hehe...life just keeps getting better. gonna party all weekend, drive up to sf on sunday, meet up and drink with some pals, then off to burning man with a pervert friend (which should make for a very very fun experience...hehe...) and then...who knows?

<%=$p%>this whole contract work thing's looking pretty good - i've got a couple of contacts already lined up and i've even turned down a job (though i probably shouldn't have - just didn't want to get stuck in something unexciting for months while fun stuff passed me by :). btw, i've lost another couple of pounds in the last couple days. i guess the weight just drops off like melted butter after you reach a certain threshold.

<%=$p%>ii

<%=$p%>k, i just went to buy some contraceptives for tonight (it's been a while - i got off the pill cause there's nothing i'm more afraid of than getting pregnant again so i thought it'd help me have less sex - that didn't really work for me). first of all, they don't sell sponges anymore which is what i used to use 6 years ago before i got on the pill. and they keep all the contraceptives right in front of the pharmacy so that you can't discreetly browse the products in the comfort of an aisle where there might be no one around, no, you have to peruse them in front of everyone waiting for a prescription to be filled. btw, did you know that using a Trojan condom for other than vaginal intercourse can increase the potential of damage to the condom? hmmm...something to think about.

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august 21, 2001
been home a whole month since the costa rica trip. i've been working out like a fiend in that month. i think i've finally lost 2 pounds. yeah, sounds pretty meager, huh? actually i'm doing better than that. my body feels different, and i'm toning up a bit - all that muscle you know, it weighs more so i look and feel better, just don't weigh a whole lot less.

<%=$p%>my least favorite part about getting healthy is that my small tits just get even smaller. when i lose or gain weight, it's the boobs that are the first to be noticeably changed - getting smaller and bigger as the case may be. i think it's the same for most women. ah well :)

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august 18, 2001
i thought i had my heart all hardened against my mom cause she pissed me off so much the other day, but i went there yesterday to drop off some of my sister's stuff and she and my dad were both so sweet and so excited to see me, my heart just melted, and i couldn't stay mad. guess you can't help loving your parents.

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august 17, 2001
i had a scary run in with racoons the other day. at least i think they were racoons. every night after midnight or 1 i hear these weird animal sounds. almost like a cat, but not really, and i always look out the window to see what it is and never see anything. the other day though i saw a little family of what looked like racoons. they make this loud, almost purring noise. so i light a smoke and go outside to go watch them from the sidewalk - they were in the parking lot - i think they came out of the gutter. and i'm watching them and they're watching me then they start slowly walking towards me. there's four of them - and they're not very large creatures either, probably cat size, but it makes me nervous, so i back up to the bottom of the stairs (we live on the second floor), and they come up through the bushes onto the sidewalk, making that eery purring sound and eyeing me all the while. and now i'm picturing myself getting mauled by four little racoons. what if i got rabies?! and they're not at all afraid of me. and now for some reason i think that they're evil, and they keep coming closer and then they're running towards me so i chuck my cigarette and run up into the house; my heart's pounding and my legs are shaking. i peek out the window to see what they're doing and they came right up to the steps (there were footprints in the morning) but didn't come up. then i realized what an ass i was for being afraid of a bunch of baby racoons.

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august 15, 2001
yesterday i got an email from my dad - not an actual email, but a forwarded email about opportunities to make money from home. one of those mass, bullshit emails. send $19.95 and learn how to make easy money from home mailing envelopes, or telemarketing or something like that.

for some reason my parents think i'm a total loser all of a sudden. ok, so i don't have a job, i don't have a place of my own, i have no idea when i'll go back to work, or what i really want to do (well i have at least some idea of that), but i'm the happiest i've been in a long time and i like being a nomad right now, and somehow i'm all fucked up. i think part of it could be that i decided to become a doctor then gave that up in the span of a week, but for god's sake, my dad talked me out of it (i've come to realize at this late age, that my dad is quite an old fashioned sexist. according to him, medicine isn't a good field for women to be in - it's too tough).

it just kills me that they have absolutely zero confidence in me. i pulled in almost 6 figures last year. and i've made half that this year already and i've only worked 4 months of it. so now that i don't have a job they're afraid i'll never find one again? i talked to my mom last week - i was all excited cause i'd given up the doctor thing and decided to do some projects i've been thinking about for a while and i'm really excited and into it and thinking she'll be pleased cause she's always telling me i need to start my own thing. but she's not happy at all. says i need to go back to school. like getting another degree will make me a better person. she told me she felt sorry for me (because of the aforementioned lack of job and home and the shitty car i drive), and that just pissed the hell out of me. cause compared to her life, how can anything be worse? just cause you've got money doesn't mean a fucking thing. if your house is a wreck, your marriage is fucked up, and you're a psycho, how the hell are you better off than me?

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august 12, 2001
i've had such an awesome evening, i couldn't end it without writing about it. i went and saw my friend's band,
soma, if you're ever in the orange county area, you've got to see them. they're such an amazing and charismatic live band. shannon just rocks. she's so sexy. you can't help but move with the music. it just fills your soul.

and my girlfriend's crowd is such a good crowd. my costa rica trip changed me in such profound ways. my appreciation of people and life in general is so greatly increased; i'm deeply moved and touched by good people, and her friends make my heart feel full and alive.

and i had two sexy boys strip down to their boxers in the car on the way back home ;), but that's not what enthuses me. drinking beers with good friends, hearing awesome live music, having fun and dancing cause i can't not dance, and feeling alive and good and so crazily happy i can't imagine it getting any better. it makes me forget the uncertain future and not having a job and living with my parents and day to day shit just doesn't phase me one bit. course, it's past one in the morning, i've got a good buzz going, and i've got to get up at the crack of dawn to go climbing, but none of that phases me just now :)

<%=$p%>august 7, 2001
oooh! the site's back up! took three months (actually just 2 weeks since i just got back into the country) but it's up now - yeah! i'm excited. next month i'll update the look. i'm sick of this bland thing. so i went to costa rica for two and half months. it was amazing - the best thing i've done for myself in a long time. and i'm refreshed and excited to be back. i'm giving up the full time web biz, though, and striking out on my own. probably taking up a night job (not sex related, though i thought about that :), and doing some contract work, but mostly just going back to school to study stuff. hehe. lots of changes and lots to do...more to come.

<%=$p%>april 12, 2001
i'm moving to costa rica! just for a few months. taking a backpack, a laptop, and a couple good books and i'm all set. i'm probably going to take a spanish immersion course for the first month, then rent a room in san pedro for the rest of the time. course, i could always rent a small beachfront house for $350 a month instead for the other couple months :)

<%=$p%>april 3, 2001
ok, so i didn't come back to my boring life. instead i volunteered to get laid off while i was on vacation. it's my first week of unemployment and i'm already antsy - and it's only tuesday. trying to figure out what i'm going to do. getting another job is an option, but i'm considering doing something else. maybe taking some time off work entirely. if i get the hell out of this apartment i could probably go for a few months and not work. i'll keep you posted. other than that, this site's become terribly boring. i wouldn't be surprised if no one even looked at it anymore and i sure as hell wouldn't blame them!

<%=$p%>february 12, 2001
wow - the site's back up and i'm updating it! email's still down - haven't had the time yet to get that all configured. lots of news though! i'm really feeling like an adult now. opened an etrade account and bought my first bundle of stocks this morning. made $43 today. not a big deal, but exciting for my first day as a stock owner :) i'm getting my first real credit card (my corporate am ex doesn't count :) - it's a secured card since i have shitty credit, but a credit card nonetheless. went and saw an accountant and did my taxes for last year and i'm thinking about buying a house. so here i am at 27 doing grown up shit and really feeling my age, but hell, i'm having a damn good year. going skiing for the first time in my life this weekend, going to europe for a few weeks the week after that, then coming back to my normal, boring, working life but i'm excited anyway :)