about me :: 2002

dec. 30, 2002

i had a dream last night that i was babysitting some little kid that only spoke russian. and i was in some house where people were getting assassinated. so i had to make sure i didn't get killed while i was trying to find a russian speaking nanny for the kid :)

i was in cala foods today and saw a dad and his son wandering around with a cart. and i hear the little boy say as he's pulling on the front of the cart, "come on, marshmallow man", and his father, in a low growl, replies, "my name...is...daddy". i thought it was the funniest fucking thing :)

i was just talking to my girlfriend about interviewing. it's been a while since i've done that, but not as long as it's been for her and she's just about to start looking for work after her long ass trip to china and back. we were reminiscing about how easy it used to be to get work in our field :) my mother asked me while i was at home if i was going to make more money after i got my master's degree. i laughed and said no, i don't think so. i made dot com rates at my last job - i don't think i'm going to see that kind of salary again anytime soon :). i realized just recently that i've only had two real, full time jobs in my life. i got almost 20k in raises my first year in my first full time job and i more than doubled my salary going from the one to the other. i've worked contract jobs and miscellaneous small gigs here and there, but've only had two real jobs and neither of those lasted longer than a year and a half - if that.

my mom asked me why i was in school. i've been thinking lately how easy my life would be if all i gave a shit about was making money. fuck, i'd be back in the real world working for someone. i wouldn't have left my last job for christ's sake - that gig was plush - corporate credit card, expense account, travel allowance, fat salary. and nothing now to show for it except my books - i miss that about working - all the free tech books i could want :).

but money's easy; satisfaction is not. yeah, sometimes i miss the money, but at least i'm never bored. i'm not a drone and can't work like one. as soon as something stops being interesting, i start chewing at my leg to free it of its binds. if nothing interesting happens in six months, like if i'm not learning something new - playing with some new technology, learning some new language, digging into some new piece of software, i get bored. i'm a fiercely loyal and dedicated employee, but once i get bored all bets are off and i'm fucking wasting everyone's time. i think i've probably mellowed out a little bit. jobs aren't so easy to come by anymore, money's not so easy to get - i'll do the boring shit i have to in order to pay the bills, but i refuse to get trapped in some full time gig that'll eat away at my heart and soul. that's why i'm in school. cause i love this shit. i love it when guys melt cause i use linux. i love it when someone asks, "you're a web developer? so you do web design? write html?" and i say fuck no. i love making something work better, i love writing code, i love writing some application - no matter how big or small - that makes someone's life easier and just fucking works. it's not that different from creative writing i think - you're writing something that didn't exist before. or if it did exist, you're writing it differently than anyone else did before you. it's fucking beautiful. and i love it. it makes my fucking blood pump.

dec. 26, 2002

i woke up in a panic early this morning and realized that i've left my one remaining cat home alone for a week. am renting a car and leaving at noon. hope she's ok (i'm sure she is - she could probably do without a couple of days of food).

god, my mom depresses me sometimes. she waited til my last day to tell me depressing things and cry. i never know what to do when people cry. so i sat on the couch and didn't move.

i used to worship my dad. i still do mostly. i thought the world of him and thought their fucked up marriage was all my mom's fault til my mom thought i was old enough to start telling me shit. i didn't believe her at first. funny how the people who are supposed to love you the most also fuck you up the most. i wonder a lot about what she was like before she got broken - there must've been something wonderful about her.

the shit i remember from my childhood - those things stay with me. those things haunt me. not so much now, but they still do. i still consider myself lucky - i never got beat on a daily basis, no one put out cigarette butts on my arm, my father didn't sexually molest me. i had the privilege of being the firstborn. i was spared in a lot of ways. my sister was not in some ways. i always had the world for the taking - cause my parents wanted to give it to me. and when i got older, because i kicked ass at everything i did. yeah, i'm privileged. but now as an adult, i work for my privileges.

marriage? family? first thing i think of is my parents. sometimes i think marriage is like some fucked up religious life sentence. like the fucking vulture picking at your body every day. you wake up thinking everything's cool, and next thing you know, you're missing your fucking stomach, and you wake up and do it all over again. every fucking day. i don't think that's what it has to be. i've been in good relationships - i know how it works. i won't make the same mistake my folks did, but i'm cautious as all hell. and maybe emotionally removed as a result, too.

my father? he's a hard ass. he gave himself a vasectomy. that's the metal he's fucking made of. it's the same metal i'm made of. i got his brains, his good looks, and his quiet ways. i got both their fucking short tempers, a double helping of addiction from both sides of the family, and my mother's creativity and jealous tendencies. some of that shit i was born with and some of it i learned. it's the shit that i learned that's the worst, but that's the shit that i can let go of, too.

dec. 24, 2002

christmas eve. i got two hours in the car alone. just me and the car radio. it was a relief. i've loved seeing my family - or actually my son's family - cause it's been a long time. i've gotten loads of pictures. i've realized i've missed them cause i get home to san francisco and i forget all about this world down here. but i haven't had a moment alone since i've gotten here and those couple of hours in the car were bliss. the constant drone of the tv is numbing my brain :) merry christmas.

dec. 21, 2002

my god, what rot i've been writing here lately. my ex said to me a few weeks ago, what happened to you? when did you get so soft? you used to be such a tough girl. and i argued with him, but he was right. i think loneliness had gotten to me, but i'm feeling sane again, feeling my edge coming back on :) cute boy's lost his magic hold over me (thank god - i was starting to wonder about it), but i think hanging out with him's been good for me - it's given me back perspective and reminded me again who the hell i fucking am. but i'll let corrina rot on with her current obsession - cause i like to hear her mope ;)

dec 17, 2002

hung out with the cute boy today. went and checked out a couple of rooms near school. i don't think i'm going to move. but i keep going back and forth about it. finished my last final. didn't end up studying for it at all - every time i cracked opened the book i just couldn't focus. i think a lot of emotional shit's been bubbling up (like you couldn't tell from the last entry :). talking with cute boy's kind of brought all sorts of shit up. i guess it's good sometimes to stop and take emotional stock of yourself. even if it makes you cry at the drop of a fucking hat. i'll get things sorted out. i always do. on a brighter note, had a lovely dinner with friends, and drinking and talking. and tomorrow i don't have a goddamn thing i have to do - woohoo - go me :)

dec. 15, 2002

had an amazing night with an awesome guy, then got home today and bawled my fucking eyes out. what the hell is wrong with me? i blame the hot fucking baths. must quit bathing...

so last night i got to spill beans. about the drugs, the selling, the arrests, the thieving, the rehab, the cutting. sleeping in cars, closets, garages, getting dragged home by the cops. my god, the shit i used to do to my body, the amount of money i blew through. have i ever told you i used to hang out with crack dealers? that my boyfriend thought i was sleeping with all of them? that he used to leave the fucking shithole in pomona we used to crash at for 15 minutes and come back and pat down the bed for wet spots? i was 17 - what did i know about whoring and cheating?

we got kidnapped by dealers once, for about half an hour. me, 17 or 18, pregnant in a thin, pink indian print dress, knives in our backs. what the fuck are you doing with this guy? one of them asked. so nice of them to be concerned for me while they were ripping me off and threatening his life. boyfriend and i got separated and when the guy in charge of me took off i wandered around wondering what to do. when i saw boyfriend across the street with the cops, the first thought wasn't i should run over and see if he's ok, it was fuck, cops, i gotta get rid of this crackpipe. in a mobile station bathroom. placed carefully so i could come retrieve it. no, my mind wasn't all there. the woman cop that came and picked me up asked me some questions and then said, you don't look liked you're scared at all. course not, i'm riding with you.

it's cathartic to talk about the past. it reminds me of how i got here. it reminds me of what i used to be. it reminds me how well adjusted i fucking am. my stomach used to knot and my body would physically itch whenever i watched people get high - in movies, in real life. the smells of speed and rock burning or anything that smells like that still gets on my nerves. the first time i saw pulp fiction and that scene with uma thurman - even though she got sick as a dog and od'ed - i so fucking wanted that.

it's been long enough now that i'm not so affected by it. i don't get physically uncomfortable anymore watching drug scenes. i still feel something, but it's not that crawling itch or the burn in the belly. and you wonder why i have such a hard time quitting smoking. i'm not smoking anymore, but i'm still getting my fix - i've decided i'm never coming off the patch.

and you wonder why i have black thoughts, too. it's because there are rents in my heart that time has mostly healed, but sometimes it aches like a motherfucker and there is no outlet but to vent and cry and think about the shit i used to do that i no longer do, but sometimes wish i could. i have a self destructive bent, i keep too much shit inside and like to take out my emotional pain physically. my life is completely different now than it used to be, but my heart is still the same. and while i'm mostly happy (that i'm still fucking alive) and know that i've got shit better than a whole lot of other people, sometimes the poison leaks and rips open my heart and rots my fucking brain.

dec. 13, 2002

woohoo - got done with my last final at 'sf last night. i've got one more, but i've got four whole days before that one so of course i had to go out and celebrate my first successfully completed full semester :) mo's getting an apartment right here in the mission about 10 blocks away - great, lively little neighborhood. we went to the, ah fuck, i can't remember the name - cute little irish pub on valencia or guerrero. some guy bought me and m (and mo when she got there) a few rounds of drinks. i think he was trying to get me to come back to his hotel and try out his jacuzzi hot tub, but we got the fuck out of there before too long - he was getting too cozy.

speaking of boys - i told mo the other day that the
cute guy with the foot had emailed me and she corrected me, "you mean the guy without the foot" which made me laugh. (is it wrong of me to find that humorous?) the weather is so beautiful today. i love a warm rain. last night when i was walking home, the night was perfect - cool, but not cold, a breeze in the air, a little drizzle. the air smelled so clean and good. and today i went out to get breakfast and it's raining, raining, raining! i love it :)

dec. 10, 2002

my cat left me a huge pile of vomit right next to my laptop on the kitchen table this morning. yum. i think it must some sort of hint.

i took
some pictures of my work spaces (i needed to do something to take a break - in the kitchen picture you can see the clorox cleaner on the floor - the stuff i had to use to mop up that cat vomit :) i love workspaces. they're my favorite part of a place. anywhere i can do any kind of work i turn into a workspace for myself. i have two suitable, flat surfaces in my house (my desk and my little kitchen table), and when i get tired of sitting on a hard chair, i drag all my shit to the bed, prop my laptop on a pillow in front of me (i can't stand to be away from the computer - and i need it for when i take a study break - you know, cruise the web, check out porn, read bad humor, etc..., maybe even do some research :)

i really need to move out of this place and get a cheaper one, but i'm so attached to it here...must drag myself away...

dec. 9, 2002

oh my god - that cat vomit last night (that i forgot to clean up :) - my cat was eating it this morning!

dec. 8, 2002

i was listening to old kevin and bean christmas albums today in between finishing up my project and going over my assembly notes. (i ripped all of them, too, so if you know my home ip address just go to /music/ - there's even playlist files) i forget how much i love christmas music - especially the kroq christmas albums. they're so funny. i miss the hell out of that morning show. i get excited when i get to go to southern california during the week because i might get to hear them for a bit (which isn't very often - but over christmas(!!) i'll be there for enough days to listen to kevin and bean in the morning - oh, but they'll probably be on vacation those lazy bastards) most of you probably don't know them, but they're on this radio station (their website sucks - i had to download some plugin - i hate plugins) in southern california on 106.7 and kevin and bean do the morning show. i think ralph (another fella on the morning show) and those two schmucks are the funniest guys (my ex hates them - totally and utterly hates them and cannot understand my complete adoration - they're not for everyone :). jimmy kimmel was absolutely brilliant when he was on that show, too, but he's moved up in the world :) adam corolla was pretty fucking funny, too, but ralph the new guy is my favorite :)

i no longer have a morning show. i listened to the sara and vinny show for a little while in my last apartment, but i can't seem to get it here and they weren't nearly as funny. i wake up to NPR now. not anywhere near the same thing. oh god, my cat just threw up next to me. that's so disgusting. i should take a picture - damn, you can't really tell what it is without the cat right there. i woke up the other morning and went to the kitchen and stepped right into a pile of her vomit. it's mostly watery with a huge, fat hairball in the middle, but it's not a nice thing to step into first thing in the morning. she's been throwing up at least every other day. i know it probably means i should take her to the vet, but it's such a pain in the ass and i don't have a vet here and i've been really busy. i told her after finals we'd all go to the hospital with her and have her checked out. no, i'm not heartless - she just doesn't act sick or anything or else i'd be more worried.

so finals are weird. it's really hard at the end of the semester to care anymore about a class. i just want to get it done and over with. i guess i should be worried about my grades, but i think i'm doing decently in most of my classes. i guess i should still be worried about my grades, but really there's only so much i can do when i'm not that interested. the assembly class still gets my heart racing so studying for that wasn't a big deal, i'm a little worried about my calculus class cause i haven't really understood the last few weeks of class. and i still haven't finished my java project, but i'll probably do that tonight. got my prolog project somewhat half assed done, but i just couldn't care anymore about it today, though the programming language paradigms class was a good one, too. my java class was a waste of time (though the professor was really cool - all my professors were pretty cool this semester). and linear algebra i'll stress about next week after i get these finals done :)

i have this cute little girl in three of my classes (she literally looks just like a little cherub) and she told me last thursday that she was dropping cs and taking up business. i guess she's having a hard time. i kind of felt bad that i didn't help her when she asked me if i wanted to work with her on our first assembly project. but back then i didn't really want to have anything to do with the kids at school. and i was crazy busy doing some web work. she came up to me a couple of weeks ago in the cafeteria right before our java class while i was trying to wolf down lunch in the 15 minutes i have between classes to eat, and the first thing she said was can i ask you how old you are? and her eyes (she's got these huge gorgeous brown eyes) got real big and it sounded like she sucked in her breath even - she couldn't believe how old i was. it made me laugh to see her disbelief - everything's so black and white when you're young :). and we chatted for a bit - she's a real sweet girl. she looks so fucking innocent - i'm sure she is. all right - i've got to go do some java or something...

dec. 7, 2002

the first full week in december over - 2003 is almost here - you know what that means? the matrix. i've waited three fucking years. just another 5 months, right? :) i remember the first time i saw it i was so blown away. i went and saw it in the theater as many times as i could. after a while i couldn't get anyone to come with me so i'd go alone. i just finally got a dvd player, but my matrix dvd (yes, i bought it even though i didn't have a player :) is m.i.a. i've been watching memento instead - good movie, but poor substitute.

i've been meaning to write a script to parse the search queries out of my logs. i tail them every now and again. there's been several insect crushing queries lately - i find that amusing. and someone had one of my pages translated into french today :) here're some other goodies:

dec. 6, 2002
i went out with my friends tonight. i almost didn't because i need to finish my prolog project - well, i need to start on it - it's due monday. along with my assembly final, but that's open book so i probably won't study for it. i hate open book tests cause it makes me fucking lazy. i didn't do as hot on my last exam cause it was open book/open note and i stubbornly refused to look at my notes til after i'd done all the questions, then tried to go through my notes, but that was more frustrating than anything else - they're so disorganized.

but i'm so glad i went. mo's back in town - i saw her wednesday and have been too tired to write about it, but oh it was so fucking good to see her again. she's been gone for so long. and she said she checked out this site on occasion - i didn't know that; it tickled me pink :)

my friends so rock. i love being with them. sometimes i hesitate about going out cause i'm an antisocial little thing, but i'm always glad i go cause there's nothing like the company of good friends who know you really well and we laugh and laugh and i love it. we can talk about anything, make fun of each other, and just have a good time no matter what we're doing. i get so high off of it (my new favorite phrase lately :).

oh, i was walking home at 2:30 in the morning - i walked a few blocks to the bus stop - that was kind of creepy. i hate walking through dark streets. irvine's like that. it's perfectly safe, but i still hate walking through dark streets. i was at some bar on 16th and portrero and walking down 16th to mission. luckily it's only a few blocks and once i got to south van ness the streets lit up. mission was dead, but the bus was full of people. buses are always great fun :) so i was walking down the block from the bus stop to my apartment and some guy came up to me and wanted to come over to my place and drink beers. i had to tell him no thanks :) guys in the mission are forward - they're never afraid of rejection - it's not a bad thing - i'll give them that :)

dec. 3, 2002
i've been thinking of myself as 30 for a while now and today i realized - god, i'm still 28. but not for too many more weeks i'm afraid. i used to have this thing where i convinced myself i had to have accomplished something by the time i turned 28 or i'd have to kill myself. and so periodically throughout my 27th year i'd ponder over that great thing i was supposed to accomplish. in the end i decided to chalk up something i did a couple of years ago as the great thing i was supposed to accomplish and was spared the suicide.

my ex keeps telling me my eggs are going bad. i ponder the facial lotions trying to figure out which one i'm supposed to buy. i always end up sticking with the one i've been using. too many options and i can't decide. and i'm not so old that i need a special lotion. at least i don't think i am - i still get carded for cigarettes, right? :) and i've been smoking like a fiend. in the house even! but i got back on the patch yesterday and have cut down significantly on the cigarettes, but fuck, at night, i want to smoke. i've been eating like shit since thanksgiving (and the advent of the ex) and haven't been to the gym in a week. i'm getting fat and smell like an ashtray - very attractive i'm sure. i'm also not sleeping enough - i went to bed at 3 last night and that was early for me. lately i can't sleep, but i'm not very productive either. i fuck around with stuff - not the stuff i'm supposed to be doing like homework and projects and getting ready for finals, but stupid shit like trying to re-network all my machines after this weekend. but since i'm tired, i'm careless and slow. right now, as we speak, i'm supposed to be finishing up my java project which was due last week (group projects suck ass - how did i get stuck with it?!) but i'm browsing geek dating sites and eating ice cream. *sigh*.

dec. 1, 2002
i had to leave the house for a few hours today. spent the weekend ripping apart my machines and i couldn't walk through my house without stepping on something. it was driving me nuts. the bus back home dropped me off at 9th and market. interesting neighborhood. i was walking through watching everyone on the streets and thinking, wow, the shit that's bugging me is nothing compared to the shit bugging some of these folks. i don't have any problems that can possibly compare. i was talking to a slightly mentally disturbed friend of mine last night, too, while i was sitting on the floor with screwdrivers and itty bitty screws littered all around. he's not disturbed as in not all there, he just has some issues and his life's been a whirlwind in the short time i've known him. he's been in the mental hospital twice in the - oh, six months or so that i've known him. and to hear him ramble on about the shit he's got going on in his life was trippy. and it makes me realize how fucking lucky i am. i'll never have to sell my car on the black market for a couple hundred dollars to pay rent. i'll just keep the fucker in my ex-boyfriend's garage for as long as he'll let me :)

nov. 30, 2002
you make me ache. but i hurt you, too, and i don't know why i can't salve my ache with you. my heart breaks when i hear your words, but it breaks in a dark cavity and i don't really feel it. deep down i miss you more than i know how to say, but i bury myself in other worlds with other things with other people. coding all night, fucking all day, eating grass like a cow in the field that doesn't know any better. i don't even like grass. i want, but i don't want. it's fear and hatred and a reckless, destructive stubbornness that grips me by the throat and won't let go. but i let it keep its hold on me. i don't know how to make it let go.

do you know how far this has gone?
just how damaged have i become?
when i think i can overcome
it runs even deeper

in a dream i'm a different me
with a perfect you...

nov. 28, 2002
so we made it through thanksgiving. i ate so much i couldn't move. the ex made it up here without his friend. he got an earful hanging out with us girls, listening to us bitch about each of our recent ex'es. they all laughed at me about my tastes in men, but i didn't mind. i had the best stuffing ever - and i don't even like stuffing. doing the dishes after a feast is one of my favorite things - the warm water running over my hands, the mechanical motions, washing all the goo off of plates and silverware - i zone out and think my thoughts. and i can't sit still for too long. we watched a movie but i only caught bits and pieces. i spent a lot of time in the kitchen - like i said, i can't sit still for too long. gravy and cranberry sauce - those are my favorite parts of the meal and i kick ass at making both. i don't care much for turkey, but it's edible with plenty of cranberry sauce and gravy. and pumpkin pie and fresh whipped cream. coffee would've been nice, but you can't have everything :).

interesting search queries today:

nov. 26, 2002
i had an awesome run last night. i can do 6 miles easy now and i get so high off of it. i know i rave about it every so often, but it never ceases to amaze me. i think the physical sensation of my body moving, propelling me mile after mile is amazing. the mechanics of how my body works - the up and down of my legs and arms, the way my body balances itself, the rolling of the foot, the breathing. maybe it's the sounds of the breathing and the feet hitting the ground that sort of hypnotize me, everything's so rhythmic and balanced - left side and right side. the swinging motion. sometimes i want to go forever and ever and i feel like i can...if i had the time :)

of course with all this running and working out - my boobs have shrunk. i woke one morning - i shit you not - a couple of weeks ago and my breasts were just smaller. i mean they're really small to start off with - barely a small handful, but they're even smaller now. luckily some other parts of me are smaller, too - you know the parts you normally want to get smaller (everything but the boobs) are a little smaller. i'm not a thin girl and will never be a thin girl - i'm built kind of large for a short asian girl :) but i'm not obsessed about it. someone told me the other day that i had a big ass (which i do) and luckily i'm not hung up about it or i'd probably be bummed out about someone telling me that (trust me, i analyzed this statement for a long time to try to figure out how i really felt about it). i think i'm in pretty decent shape, but it's still hard not to have body issues - especially as a woman - we all have a skewed view of ourselves. i think guys have it just as rough, but they're not so vocal about it.

i called my parents tonight - they're so funny - the first thing they always ask is have i eaten? like they don't think i can feed myself properly. though they probably wouldn't consider what i ate proper nutrition (i eat a lot of salads - but i really like salads! i think when i work out a lot my body craves veggies - you know, for their nutrients :) i eat junk food, too - cheeseburgers, fries, cookies and donuts - i live by the best donut shop in the world - she always throws in an extra donut even when i'm buying just one - which i guess has it's good and bad :).

i've been thinking of chopping off my hair. i'm a little obsessed about shaving my head - i've thought about it for years, but will probably never do it. my girlfriend asked me to shave her head a few months ago and she looked awesome with no hair. i used to work with another girl who kept her head shaved and she looked great, too with no hair. and i just have a thing about shaved heads in general. but so, as an alternative to shaving it completely, i've been thinking about just cutting my hair really short - cause i've spent years growing it out and it looks beautiful and healthy, but i'm getting kind of vain about it and i don't want to be vain about it. maybe if i just don't think about it - but it's so long and so everywhere it's hard not to think about it. of course, now it's a little too late cause i'm too vain about it to want to cut it off. i was thinking about what i'd do with short hair - i think i'd have to style it or something, and it seems like too much work. blow drying my hair as it is is a lot of work; i don't think i can handle styling it too. besides i suck at that sort of thing. that's another thing to add to my perfect guy wishlist - someone who doesn't want me to be a chic fashion princess - someone who doesn't care that most of my clothing is solid colored (and mostly black) because it makes it easier to match things up. i don't know what happened to me - i used to be really fashion conscience, but i guess everyone is in middle/high school, right? :) now, i couldn't put an outfit together to save my life. i was out shopping just recently to get some long sleeved tops cause my favorite one is falling apart (this is how i decide when to go buy new clothes :) and clothes are funky. lucky for me basic black never goes out of style and there's always something i could wear. have you noticed how short girls pants are nowadays? you know, the hip riders - i had to buy a pair a while ago because pants don't come in any other flavor anymore and my other pants were too big, and most of my shirts are barely long enough to cover all my skin. but i guess the point is not to cover all the skin :)

nov. 25, 2002
i met a cute guy today with a prosthetic foot! i've never met anyone before with a prosthetic. i actually met him on the bus on my way to school about a month ago. but i hadn't seen him since. he remembered my name; i was impressed. he's taking off in january to go travelling for a few years - a tour through the states, then off to anywhere and everywhere and i asked him if he'd saved up for taking such a long trip and that's when he told me about the foot. he didn't seem hung up on it; he's had it since he was a kid. i thought it was really cool.

i guess it sounds odd that i'm so excited about meeting someone with a fake foot, but i get excited about the stories. growing up with a fake appendage - i'm sure his stories are different from my stories - i was a healthy kid. i think all your experiences go into making you who you are - my sister and i are completely different people. we had the same parents and grew up in the same home, but i branched off and left years ago, and came back different and as time goes on, we become more and more different. i think we're both intelligent and creative, but we're worlds apart. we have different tastes in everything, and different priorities. i'm more open minded and accepting of people (because i met all sorts when i was younger :) and she still loves the little, perfect world we grew up in - that's not bad, it's just different. i love where i live, i love a little bit of sleaziness - she hated visiting here. she didn't like being gawked at by hispanic men every time she left my apartment. my parents hated my neighborhood, too - said it was like someplace out of a movie (i think my neighborhood is perfectly fine :).

and my sis is smoking hot - i walk around with her and watch men gawk at her non-stop. i think sometimes it makes me self conscious. no, i know it makes me self conscious. sometimes it's hard to be with her because i feel small - i know that it's my own hang up, but it's also partly the fact that it's important to her. i'm not hot and i don't think i ever will be - sure sometimes i can look really nice - anyone can look great with enough make up and a short skirt and heels - and i know i'm not unattractive. i think i'm relatively attractive because enough people have told me so, but i don't think of myself in that way so it's always incredibly flattering to know someone thinks that. my ex tells me i'm beautiful and i love that, but i think beauty is always the subjective view of those that love you. and i think i am a beautiful person to those who love me - because as crass as i can be sometimes, and as hard as i seem or look sometimes, i'm a good person with a really big heart, and probably a bit too much empathy for my own good.

so anyway, going back to my friend, i think the fact that he wasn't embarassed or uncomfortable about his foot was really cool. it's probably the thing that makes me feel it's ok to get excited about meeting someone with a prosthetic foot - no matter how weird it sounds :)

nov. 24, 2002
i took down my guitar today to try to pluck out some NIN tunes (yeah, that's a piece of cake :) i don't actually play the guitar, but have a beautiful one i got for my birthday last year. i was trying to learn it for a while, but have since given up. i use it more like a piano - every now and again i pick at the strings and try to play some melodies. i only know three actual guitar cords and the intro to sunday bloody sunday - that's the extent of my guitar abilities and unfortunately that gets old pretty quick. i've been thinking about taking the piano back up though, but i don't have anything to practice on - or any space in my apartment to put something i could practice on in :)

it's thanksgiving week and i feel a little weird - i think this'll be the first time i don't spend thanksgiving with my family - hell maybe ever - i can't recall ever not spending it with them. maybe those few years where i wasn't really part of the family, but that was years and years ago - and i don't always remember that chunk of my life too clearly :) to make up for lack of family, though, i'm spending this thanksgiving with two of my pro dom girlfriends (two doms, one sub - i'm at their whim :) which should be fun. my ex called me today and he and his friend are probably going to come up to spend thanksgiving here and i invited them to join me and the dominatrices. he said his friend might get shy - i told him it'd be a nice normal thanksgiving - we wouldn't even go across the hall to the dungeon at all :)

i'm not quite sure how i feel about the ex coming up here - i guess i feel ambivalence. and maybe nervousness. we're really close friends, but there's always a slight tension because we're single and perfectly suited for each other, yet apart. i'm sure there are valid reasons why we remain apart - i just haven't quite figured them out. but i've learned that if i have any doubts, then i should trust my instincts, and as beautiful as our relationship was and as much as i will always love him and as wonderful and amazing and all those other superlatives i think he is, i am still haunted by doubt. maybe crippled by it. we've had long, long discussions about it - our current relationship, our suitability for each other, and yet our lack of enthusiasm to rekindle our flame. things change, but life keeps moving on and you keep living it your own way. both of us are too strong and too independent to uproot ourselves in the hopes of a potential reunion. and there's a reason for that, too, i'm sure. i'm not afraid of the new, but i want my past to be my past.

i've been writing a lot here lately. i keep meaning to back off, but it's kind of nice to have a place to vent every day. a moment to recap the day and remember the funny or interesting shit that happened or to write down things i've thought about. i know sometime in the future i will appreciate coming back to read this, but sometimes i feel overly exposed. and i guess that's not a bad thing, as long as i remember to cover myself back up when i'm done.

oh - new euphemism for big tits - "she's got a lot of logs stacked in front of her cabin" - my friend's dad talking about my friend's mom with him (just imagine your dad saying that to you about your mom :).

nov. 23, 2002
recent search queries:

i was listening to pretty hate machine - haven't listened to that in a while...forgot how fucking good it was :) so my girlfriend took me to this performance at the 848 community space and i'd never been there before - it was their 11th anniversary specatular - tonight was "BodySpectacle" - she wanted to go to see Fakir. i thought it was a body modification thing - i guess i thought it was like a lecture or something, but it was an art performance about the body in general. katie bell was there and was funny as all hell. a cute woman came over and hit on me and what did i tell her when she asked me what i was doing tonight after the show? homework. i am the biggest dumbass. but i don't get hit on a lot - especially not by women - how the hell was i supposed to know that's what she was doing? then she asked me if i wanted to go to a sex party afterwards, but i just didn't know what to say to that :) (this woman, btw, later let katie bell fondle her breasts and gave her strap-on a blowjob).

anyway, the show started off with a woman tattooing herself and reciting her poetry, then a writer that let people come up and cut his clothes off of him while a tape of him talking was playing in the background, then katie bell, then fakir and chleo dubois and someone else came on - tribal drummers playing in the background. fakir pierced this guy (or gal? he had facial hair, and breasts so it's really difficult for me to say which exactly) through his cheeks with a long, thick, silver needle that had a shiny triangle on one end, which fakir capped off with another shiny triangle on the other end after putting it through the guy's cheeks. the ends of a small, silver chain were attached to each triangle so that the chain hung under his chin. then fakir pierced two large hooks above his breasts, and tied the ends of a 5 ft long (or so) thin rope to each hook. then fakir went to play drums, and chleo took the rope in her hands and started tugging on it. and chleo and the pierced guy danced around the room - the drums playing, people in the audience with maracas, heavy, rhythmic breathing. it's hard to describe it all - but it was intense - i get really into drums, the rhythm really just kind takes over - i can't help but move with it and then watching these two really intense people doing this tug-o-war dance with each other - both of them dead serious, and watching the hooks tug on this guy's flesh, seeing the blood start to drip down his breasts. it's really surreal - you have to be there to feel the vibe in the room, to hear everyone kind of breathing together when he's getting pierced and then feel the buildup and climax of the drums, the beat, the dancing. and i'm sitting there moving to the rhythm of the drums and mesmerized by this dance between the two of them, with my hand clutched in front of my mouth cause i'm so worried that the hooks are going to pull right through his skin and i know they won't or else they wouldn't be doing it - i know in my little rational mind that what they're doing is ok, but my god, she's pulling so hard on the rope and the skin is pulled so far away from his body - i can't help but be incredibly anxious. and i'm sure that's part of the intensity as well.

whew, i was all clenched up just writing that. it was cool - i'd watch it again, but sometimes i don't think i have the stomach for this kind of shit. i'm totally curious about piercing, but i'm not sure if i actually want to do it. needle play is both incredibly alluring, yet repulsive to me. my girlfriend said something funny tonight - what the fuck was it? oh she works as a professional dominatrix, right, and her ex-boyfriend said she wasn't perverted enough. i laughed my ass off. she said she had a client who was into torture - loved water torture and that he used to masturbate while dripping water on himself - self water torturing while masturbating. now that is a fascinating concept.

i was just about to bitch about how warm it's been lately and then it got cold yesterday. now if it'd only rain, too :) i had such a good night last night - went out and saw my friends. we have our regular hang out in oakland - the alley on grand. my girlfriend's boyfriend is back from china (my girlfriend went straight to new jersey to see family and i won't get to see her til early december :( ) and so i had to go of course :) but it was good to see everyone again. i've been such a nerdy, stay at home most of the time, school girl lately. had some beer, had some whiskey and some cigarettes and talked all night. i love being with them - i laughed so much, my cheeks hurt :)

i ended up spending the night at my friend j's house. and i was beat by the end of the evening - after five hours of drinking and smoking, midnight rolled around, a few people left after saying goodbyes and i was just starting to melt into the couch when j and m (my girlfriend's boyfriend) came and looked at me and j asked what i wanted, and m just reached over and put his arms under mine and lifted me onto his bed (his bed, of course, is a chinese blanket he lugged back home folded in half on the floor). and it was such a sweet, tender thing to do. when my girlfriend is gone, he misses her like crazy, and somehow it gets translated into this tenderness for me. it's not sexual or anything like that - it's just this sweet solicitousness towards me - like he transfers what he'd normally channel to his girlfriend to me when she's gone. j's got two really short couches and he gave up his bed to sleep in one of those (he ended up on the floor in the hallway in the middle of the night though cause it was so uncomfortable :). it's incredibly touching to be treated like that. and it kind of makes me miss having someone who loves me like that all the time.

nov. 21, 2002
i was walking to the bus stop today at divisadero and fulton and some old hippy guy was talking to me at a light. i had my headphones in (i used to read like mad, but everything i do is so brain intensive nowadays so i use my commute time to veg and listen to music), so i took them out cause i could see he was talking to me and he made some comment about how everyone's plugged into their own worlds now what with their headphones and their music, and what are you listening to? lords of acid i said and then he went and pulled out a book of poetry about san francisco in the 60's and some poet who'd written a bunch of poems about tripping on acid and read to me from it on the street corner. he was a poet, too, and does a show on
kpoo and was headed to his show. it was pretty cool. i like that strangers feel comfortable talking to me. i like that strangers think i'm sweet and approachable. it's not always fun - most of the people that approach me would probably be characterized as unsavory by most other people, but it's kind of nice anyways.

oh - my ex sent me this medical porn video (it's long and not very interesting and i think in japanese) last night. before i decided to go back to school and while i was trying to decide what i wanted to do with myself i worked part time at this adult website over the summer (i was so excited about it - i'd always wanted to work on an adult website - the people i worked with were so cool, but i couldn't stand the folks that owned the company) - anyway, i said something one day about how my ex collected porn and was especially fascinated with shit porn (he's moved onto medical porn for now :) and we were working at an adult website and these people were shocked - you dated a guy that collected shit porn?! (and we used to talk about fucked up shit at work - it was not a conservative environment :) i thought it was funny.

i kind of dig on porn. it doesn't do much for me - i don't get off on it - but i like watching it now and again because it's interesting. it always fascinates me the kinds of things people do, the kinds of shit people are into. i'm hugely fascinated with sexuality and people's views of it and their experiences. i used to be a really sexual person - and i still am - maybe i should say i used to be a more sexually active person. i used to think i wanted to experiment and try all sorts of shit out. but after the last year and my romp with bdsm, and my recent dating experiences, i think i'm sort of done experimenting. i'm tired of casual sex, bdsm doesn't do it for me, and some of the shit i fantasize about is probably better left to my fantasies - if i really think about it, i don't really want to do those things in real life anyway. some things are more fun when they stay in your head. real life experiences don't always meet expectations. and i'm a really emotional person and as i've gotten older, relationships with other people have become more significant to me so i need to be into someone to enjoy sex. i think experiences with someone you're really really into are better than anything else. now, if i could just find someone i was really really into, i'd probably be a lot less sexually frustrated :)

nov. 20, 2002
oh wow i had a good cry last night. nine inch nails playing, clutching the pillow, crying so hard i couldn't breathe kind of crying. i need it every now and again. i get emotional when i haven't had enough sleep. and, you know, when i talk to the ex :) the only thing that got me off the bed finally was remembering i wanted to make my computer play mary had a little lamb for me.

november 19, 2002
ugh, i'm such a social retard sometimes! i went to go talk to one of my instructors today and i'm always brimming with questions, but i got all tongue tied around him. i have this nasty habit of drilling people with questions upon questions. i've given a lot of thought to it because i don't know if that's normal. i think that i do it cause i'm really really curious. i want to know how people get to where they are in life. it's probably because i always feel a little like a drifter so i want to know how other people end up making the decisions they make - i'm compiling a little mental database for future reference. and i love other peoples' stories - it's the writer in me.

i poke through my logs every now and again cause i like to see how people are getting to the site (some of the search queries are great :) and saw that someone came in through the
wayback machine. it's funny cause someone turned me onto that site a while back and then i found out just recently that my university's done some work with them. it's a really cool site, actually - you can look up old urls (they don't have a search function though which i think is odd), but you can go and type in a url and take a look at the old archives of that site. they don't have the original electrasweb back when it was on geocities except from 1999 which i think was after i got this domain and moved it to my own server, but they do have my old usc school website and it was so trippy to see it again! i was ranting and raving as always. funny thing about 'sc - they still have my student homepage listed on their site. they've removed the files so the link is bad, but if you do a search on my name in google, the 'sc page'll come up. i left there over 5 years ago - you'd think their sys admins would clean that shit up :)

i was just at the store getting cat litter - not because i needed cat litter desperately at midnight, but because i'm a big fat dork and started smoking again (again!!). i just cannot fucking kick it. anyway, it's always interesting walking around the mission in the late evening. the homeless guys settle in for the night in front of my corner fruit and vegetable store - they have a whole set up going every night. there's always someone on the payphone in the parking lot of cala (doing what, i do not know), and always weird people hovering by the automatic doors and rooting through the bins. i am never bored :)

november 18, 2002
it's actually only sunday night still, but once the clock rolls past midnight... i've been really camera happy lately so you get to see some pics - i haven't put pictures up on this site in years. you should see the
shithole my apartment's become. i just got done telling my girlfriend she could stay with me and then today i was looking around - i can barely walk through my apartment. trying to get the closet door open is a chore. i don't know when the place started melting down like this...oh that picture of the bitch cat on top of my monitor - i don't know how many times i have to remove her from there - she sits with her paw dangling so i can't work. she'd be fine if she'd just remove the paw...mo's coming home soon! hurray! i can't wait to get rip roaring drunk with her ;)

november 17, 2002
public transportation is a trip. i love it. my girlfriend had a party tonight - i haven't gone out and seen friends in weeks so i was really excited to do something fun. and i had a great time. my friends are awesome. i was walking the two blocks to the bart station and i had someone tell me i looked like a legend - his words - now that's a fucking compliment. you put on a skirt an inch shorter than you'd normally wear and some high heeled boots and you go from normal girl to a fucking legend. how hot is that :)

i love walking around in the city late at night. i love that i can walk home from north beach and the city's so fucking alive. north beach - people are everywhere. downtown, people are still milling the streets at 12:30/1 in the morning. i love that i can stand on a street corner waiting for the bus and some random guy wants to talk to me. tells me i'm the best thing he's seen in san francisco. waits for me to get on the bus (which takes forever, but i don't ever mind the wait :) i dig on people. don't think because i like to stay at home and work that i don't like to get out, too. i forget sometimes how much i love being in the city. how much i love walking around late at night. i remember when i first moved into the city and my earliest experience was wandering around in the pouring rain. stopping in at the old navy in union square cause i was lost and didn't know where i was going and asking the guy there how to get back to the hotel i was put up at. and he told me and said i wasn't going to walk there, was i? and of course i was. it was so cool to be somewhere where the city itself felt so fucking alive and awake and full of people after living so long in a nice, conservative, quiet little place where walking the streets at 9 pm was like walking through a dead zone and no one, no one walks in southern california. everyone's got their little car to mosy around in. i love living here. i'm going to miss the mission when i leave, but i'll love the place i move to next, too. i like getting dressed up and getting out on the town every now and again. it's nice and flattering to be noticed. but it's nice to get home, too. maybe i'll get some sleep tonight :)

november 16, 2002
i was playing around with trying to write this encryption algorithm in assembly - i was supposed to get some much needed sleep (ever elusive, that cunning little thing :) but i couldn't stop thinking about it and stayed up til 4 playing with it - anyway at 2 in the morning i was telling my ex what i was working on (we'd been talking about the kinds of guys i dug on up to that point) and he just kind of sighed and he says, see, i made you into this girl that's perfect for me and now you're out in the wild for someone else - do you think anyone's been considerate enough to have made me a perfect girl?

i guess in some ways it makes me a little sad. we had such a great relationship and he really did make me in a lot of ways. when we met i was just turning 21, i was in college (my first time :) and had finally gotten clean and been sober and law abiding for a couple of years, and everything i'm into now he introduced me to. technology - that's wholly his influence. he built me my first computer. he showed me the internet. he taught me i could teach myself anything and everything i wanted to and i did. and everything i look for in a guy is a quality he posesses. intelligence, self confidence, a huge sense of humor, creativity... he made a funny comment last night that i was looking for someone just like him in a heavier body and it's probably true. i'm not into good looking guys, i'm not into guys not into technology. with really good looking guys i'm predisposed to stereotyping them as less intelligent than i want (i know it's unfair) and i'm not into suave guys - the players, the i know exactly what you want babe type of guys. i want a down to earth guy who doesn't want everyone to know he's the shit - he just knows he is and everyone he knows knows he is.

when i went through my bout just recently of trying to date and meet new people - i met some really, really nice guys, but i just kind of zoned out when i found out someone was a business manager, or an artist, or whatever. i was trying to be open minded and thought i'd try dating different types of people, but it doesn't work for me. it doesn't mean i'm not into other things - i love art, i love creative people, i love music, etc, etc...but you've got to be a hardcore computer geek first. and kinky guys - i'm tired of kinky guys. my last relationship was with a kinky guy and the one thing i got out of it was that i don't really want it. so i tried finding some 'normal' guys and found out they were all kinky too. i want a nice, vanilla relationship. you know, the kind you could tell your mother and priest about. but open minded, too. if i want to go to a fetish or s/m event - for the fun of it, for the people watching, for the socializing with friends part of it - then you need to be ok with it and open minded enough that you'd hopefully even want to come with me :)

but i've been thinking lately that all these tech guys don't want a geeky chic - sure they want a cute little asian girl, but do they want her to be the cute little house wifey, too? i was thinking about some of the tech guys i know that are married and they have very traditional wives - not that their wives aren't intelligent or wonderful or whatever, but a lot of them are stay at home moms taking care of the home - and while i think that's awesome if that's what you're into, it's not what i'm into.

i want a guy who thinks it's cool that i like to geek out and spend most nights in front of my computer coding away or researching something new that's piqued my interest. someone who doesn't think that because i don't get out it means i need a life. i have really good friends that i love and adore, but honestly, i don't see them that often. i see them when i need the social interaction and we catch up pretty regularly, but sometimes i go for months without talking to someone - it doesn't mean i don't love them or that they're not important to me, i'm just into my own thing.

i want a guy who always has to figure out how shit works, someone who likes to take things apart, someone who thinks too hard. i want a guy to learn new shit from, who thinks i'm smart and isn't intimidated by me and wants to sit next to me and code the night away and doesn't need me to occupy him or entertain him all the time. i want a guy who doesn't give a fuck what kind of car he drives or how much money is in his stock portfolio. i want a guy that knows he could always make money cause he's the smartest guy on the block, but isn't obsessed with it. i want a guy who doesn't want me to be his average little housewife. i want a guy who isn't going to get hung up about my past. a guy who thinks the world of me and who i think the world of. i want a guy soon. i want kids, a family, a home to call my own. because i've been blowing around in the wild like a lost little seed and i'm ready to plant roots.

novebmer 15, 2002
i went and saw my graduate adviser yesterday. i'd been putting off seeing him for a while, but i had to see him to register and he's actually a pretty cool guy. i got into all the classes i wanted - i was a little worried because i don't have the pre-reqs for any of them, but i'm all set. i'm excited about all my classes, but particularly computer architecture and systems programming(!). when we were done with figuring out which classes i was going to take and i mentioned to him there was one last problem - that i had this hold on my registration because i hadn't taken the placement exams and he was rather funny about it - he said it was ridiculous (and it is - i've got a degree in english for god's sake, and i'm registered in a calculus class and they want me to take a english and math placement test?!) and that i couldn't let "these people" treat me like that. it made me laugh. so he called them up at whatever office "those people" are at and told them to knock it off.

speaking of laughing. i get kind of giggly when i haven't had enough sleep and i'm naturally prone to finding the smallest things humorous and laugh a lot anyway, so i was in class friday morning and looking at the schedule my professor had up on the board for the next couple of weeks and i couldn't figure out where one of the wednesdays went and i asked him about it and then started laughing cause i realized what an idiot i was - i was trying to put wednesday between friday and monday (really, please understand that i've been very very tired) and then i felt like an ass - like the stupid giggly girl (cause i'm the only girl in that class) and sighed inwardly and promised myself i'd fucking sleep.

november 12, 2002
oh, i almost forgot - i got one - well maybe 2 or 3 - pictures while i was down in orange county this weekend (i meant to get pics of me and my sis, but forgot). on sunday, before i flew out, my dad was standing by the sliding glass door looking into the backyard and he says, hey did you see that mouse? and i'm way over on the couch, but i get up cause i have a thing for small furry animals though i figure by the time i get to where my dad is the thing'll have scampered on and i'll miss it anyway, but i thought i should humor the father. and i get over there and start laughing my ass off - i said that's not a mouse, dad, that's a fucking rat! (without the expletive of course :) it was a huge dead rat. i got a couple of pics of it (
pic1 - with tail because that's everyone's favorite part of a rat, and pic2) - my dad told me not to touch it (like i was going to - the thing was wet from the rainy weekend) and when he came back and saw me taking pictures, he asked me what i was doing in his disapproving, "you're such a morbid girl, where did i go wrong with you" voice. but he's my dad - the poor thing has to love me no matter what :)

november 10, 2002
i was just cleaning up the site a little bit because it's obviously been a couple years since i've done that, but i ended up going back and reading a bunch of the old crap i'd written and laughing my ass off. someone just recently made a comment to me about the type of person who thought her life was interesting enough to post online and for me this site is someplace to come back when i need it. i guess it's partly an exhibitionist type thing, but no one reads this part of the site unless they want to get to know me or are catching up with me. i have friends that hardly ever email me but who'll come to the site and find out what i'm up to. and it's nice to know someone's interested in my life that way, and it's also nice to have this place to come back and see the funny shit that's gone on in my life. you think this site is angst ridden? this isn't angst - angst is some of the stuff in my real journal. this is the light-hearted me - the part of me that can always find something to laugh at (and luckily it's a big part of me :). i need this site to vent, and i need it sometimes to come back and catch up with myself. it brings back memories - in indirect ways because i associate events and entries with particular periods in my life, particular people that i don't often reference in the things i write, but i remember when i go back and read.

and i've been here a lot lately. here and a couple of my other sites, and i think i've been feeling a little lonely and have a lot of shit on my mind. i spend so much of my time alone in front of my desk working on school work and sometimes other work, but i'm alone a lot. and i generally like it. i remember when i first broke up with my last boyfriend being soooo incredibly excited about being alone again - having my desk to myself all the time, having my bed to myself to sprawl in, doing whatever i wanted to with my time. it was freedom. and i love and cherish my freedom (i think it's part of what makes me commitment phobic), but i need people, too. i've seen my friends here and there, but i don't think i've been doing it enough.

i've been single for three whole months now and the first month the thought of guys, dating, sex, etc. was completely unappealing. then i was excited about my freedom and wanted to date so i met a few people and almost immediately lost my thrill for it. now i'm back to being completely unattracted by the idea of dating and guys and sex and all those complications though i think my cold, my never ending yeast infection (i got screened at the gate at the airport today and i panicked thinking they'd take everything out of my bag including my yeast infection medicine in front of everyone - luckily they didn't - yes, i know, this is probably more information than you want to know, but i haven't had a yeast infection in years and i'm sort of obsessed with it at the moment) may have a little something to do with that. i'd like to find some people that i have stuff in common with - geeky people, but most of the ones i meet are men and i think some of them think that if a girl shows interest in them it means they want to fuck. just cause i'm open minded about sex and like talking about it doesn't neccessarily mean i want to do it all the time. i was just in this email argument with this guy who was convinced i wasn't into him cause he was fat and ugly. i don't give a fuck about fat, and he wasn't ugly - hell, i even found him attractive (i'm really into tech geeks), but people think whatever fucked up things they want to think about themselves. speaking of which, i saw my sister this weekend and i'm really worried about her. she seems on edge and she seems to get worse and worse every time i see her. i had this horrible thought that she might drive herself to death - she stresses out and her body literally crumbles - she's so prone to becoming sick - not just a little sick like with a cold, but physically ill - unable to move, have to go to the emergency room kind of sick. it kills me, but how do you tell someone they need help? how many times can i tell her that? how many times can i tell her she's such a fucking amazing person - as much as i want to and as much as it breaks my heart, i can't fix her.

now me, maybe i could use some fixing, too. going back through the site, i realize i haven't really moved very far. six years here and i think i've learned a lot and experienced a lot and i probably know myself better than i did back then, but i'm still the aimless little girl. an aimless little girl quickly approaching 30 that is (isn't that the scariest fucking thing). at least i have some sort of goal right now, and i think i'm more mature than i was back then. and i have my moments, but i'm a pretty happy person and i know shit'll work out - i'll meet the man of my dreams, be a student for the rest of my life, have a child somewhere along the way maybe, or who knows - maybe i'll be single the rest of my life and work my life away. either way, i'll be pleased as punch cause life's a fucking riot - how can you not laugh at it?

november 5, 2002
i just got the funniest fucking email. someone sending me naked pictures of himself masturbating and asking me if i wanted to "ride it for fun". i should post the pictures, but i'm too fucking nice. it's made my night a little more humorous anyway.

mental note to men...do not send unsolicited naked pictures of yourself to unsuspecting women...next time i'll post them here :) it's really funny, but not real sexy. now when you find out whose they are...

i'm wired as hell, but it's three in the morning and i should go to bed. that vietnamese coffee is soooo strong - i'll have to remember that the next time i want to stay up all night. the sunflower on 16th and mission. they have the best, best, best vegetarian spring rolls. mmmm.... my girlfriend is home for a few days - she was off travelling in nepal and india for the last couple of months, then she leaves for australia for another couple of months. god i've missed her. we only got to chat for a little bit, but there's nothing like have a close girlfriend you can talk to things about in a completely frank, open, sort of disgusting cause it's really real kind of way. you know, like about yeast infections and swollen vaginas. that type of frank. and guys. you can't talk to guys about other guys. it always comes off wrong. it's been weird having her gone because she's one of my closest girlfriends. my other girlfriend is also off travelling in china and finally, finally!! comes home next month. she's been gone for half a year. luckily, i've had other girlfriends that i've gotten closer to in their absence. i didn't always used to be such a girly, talking to my girlfriends type of girl. most of my friends were guys for a long time, but i got older and more mature and realized girls rock and i needed a few in my life. and i love the hell out of them :) i don't begrudge them their time away, but i can't fucking wait til they're all back home again :)

november 4, 2002
so i'm gonna come back to this site, and dump the temporary site - if you haven't been visiting the other site, then i must not know you very well :) i tried to get rid of this site, but i'm too fucking sentimental about the damn thing so here it is and here it'll stay :) be back soon...

october 16, 2002

I've been having nightmares about turning in my assignments on time, or not getting to classes on time for exams. I went away for the weekend down to Southern California to visit family and I really needed that time to do homework, but couldn't get out of it and had nightmares every night about homework. I had a big programming assignment due today that I was really stressed about, but finished it (woohoo!) (I'm always just barely finishing things on time) and now I have to study for a midterm and write a new program for Friday. The weekend looks soooooo delicious.

The other night I dreamt that I died and life after death took place in an underwater world where everything was sort of the same. But I had to squat over a hole in the dirtfloor of the house I lived in to go to the bathroom while a bunch of guys watching sports looked on (I guess I was in hell - though if that was hell, heaven must be fucking amazing). I think the shitting in a hole in the ground thing came from this book I read over the weekend, Aquariums of Pyongyang about the first North Korean concentration camp survivor to tell his story. Really terrible stuff. It's a world that's beyond my abilities to comprehend. I can sympathize and feel really really bad, but I will never understand living under such an oppressive government. I know, I know; I'm incredibly lucky.

But I'm dawdling...back to cramming...

october 6, 2002

Jesus, I think I freaked out my father. My parents just visited for the first time and I didn't have a chance to clean up my apartment. So besides being incredibly messy, I've got all my normal decorations out. My 'sex toys rock' and 'fuck work' stickers on my monitor, the picture of the beringed and pierced penis from burning man, and the picture of a business man in handcuffs both on the fridge, etc... The kicker was when I saw my dad looking at the card on top of my printer for a Michael Rosen art show with the picture of a guy with his fist up another guy's ass, and the woman with the strap on fucking her boyfriend.

My mother told me my place was a health hazard (and she was dead serious) and they both left pretty quickly after my father saw the card. We'd all had a really nice time until then - should've kept them away from home :)

may 11, 2002

A stranger told me I was a "beautiful flower in the garden of the universe" today so next time you see me make sure you use that epithet. God, the weather here is gorgeous. I spent some time with a girlfriend in the Castro, then wandered a bit in the Mission. The weather's nice and the people watching is great. I love living here.

I just got back from New York though and I've got to go live there, too, at some point. The first time I went there was right after I first moved to San Francisco and thought New York was the same as the new city I lived in. I was only there for two days for work and didn't get to do much sight seeing, but this time around after having lived here for a couple years, I realize that New York is a whole helluva lot bigger than SF. Here're my quick trip notes:

april 25, 2002

the weather's holding up. and there's lots of tourists clogging up powell street to prove it. i have to admit that even though i could walk down mason, i love walking down powell in the morning when i stay the night in union square and it's nice and bright outside and the tourists are pouring all over the streets already at 7, 8, 9 in the morning. it feels so alive. so many people, so much activity so early in the morning.

a friend of mine emailed me the other day and said he'd been dreaming about me. it sounded so cool. like living in another time and space and not knowing about it. kind of like that movie, the one (which wasn't that great, but i had to see anyway). action scenes since the matrix are so visually interesting. fight scenes are always interesting anyway, but the stop action, the motion blurs, and sometimes the unrealism of them just make me drool. anyway, it got me thinking about a person's energy. how much energy do you burn when you appear in other people's dreams? or does the dreamer burn energy to generate you in their dreams which is probably the case since it's not really you, but what that person knows of you or thinks of you or wants you to be. so if someone's burning their brains thinking about you, does it suck some life out of you? where's all that "me" juice come from? lame mind wanderings...

i just finished reading the cover story from the april 2002 san francisco magazine (yes, it took me forever to finish it), but it's funny. there're little pieces from all different types of people living in sf before, during, and after the dot.com boom and bust. it was interesting to hear how crazy people got which is funny cause i worked right in it, but i guess i never really saw it be that mad. and i was never really caught up in it - i never thought i'd make a ton of money, stock options didn't mean a thing to me, and a lot of my friends were down to earth type people and/or worked in more traditional fields so they weren't caught up in the hype either. it was really interesting to read about how san francisco changed and especially the mission district. i highly recommend it (the article's not online though so you'll have to find a hard copy version).

april 12, 2002

the weather here has been so gorgeous lately. pity i can't enjoy it cause i seemed to have gotten gastroenteritis and feel like shit. not complete and utter shit which would be easy cause then i'd just lay in bed, but i feel ok enough to feel like i should be doing something, but shitty enough to not want to do anything. i thought it was food poisoning at first, but it's been three days now and i think i'm getting worse rather than better. the sight and smell of food makes me nauseous. i'm not supposed to be eating fruit or candy, but it's all i feel like i can keep down. the thought of plain bread makes my throat swell close.

i've been seeing lots of interesting things i keep taking note of for the site, but haven't been around to update it much. yesterday on my way from my doctor's appointment to stormy leather, i hopped off the 4 bus on post at jones and walked down jones. it didnt' occur to me that i'd be walking straight through the tenderloin. i haven't been down there in a while. as you're walking down jones towards market, the sidewalk population gets denser and dirtier. the filthiest fucking pigeons i've ever seen hang out in gangs down there. on that last block before market from golden gate to mcallister/market, there were three filthy bums passed out along the chain link fence - one of them with a finger all covered in fresh blood, then you cross market and it's like you're in a different world again. know what i love about this town? i can walk wherever the hell i want to, alone, and i'm never afraid. that's not to say that i have a false sense of security about this great city i live in. shit happens. my beau was just telling me about some woman who was walking down the sidewalk and a bum just reached over with a box cutter and slashed her throat. yeah that's scary and no i certainly don't want that to happen to me, but i'm not going to cower in fear. i'm comfortable here. that's all.

oh and i saw a knac shirt at the gym the other day. god, that's a radio station from my high school years. 105.5. those of you from southern cal may remember it. i couldn't believe it - i'd almost forgotten about its existence. and that seems to be about all the productivity i can handle in one sitting. back to laying in bed and reading for me ;)

march 12, 2002

one of my cats snorts and grunts as she's cleaning herself. i think it's because she's overweight. you know, overweight people make extra noise when they're doing physical things. she's also a dainty little thing: for example, she swipes her paw in the water bowl and licks it to hydrate instead of dipping her whole head in the bowl. it's really quite a sight. my other cat is on my lap kneading away - oops, she just ran away. thank god. they're driving me nuts. i came home the other morning and after i'd been here for about 5 minutes, the black one peed on my journal. my journal, for christ's sake. it happened to be lying next to a newspaper. her litter box was dirty. she was teaching me a lesson. that little cunt.

ooh, went to the fetish ball on sunday night at the dna lounge. the first sf fetish ball. god, i went to one of the l.a ones years and years ago. but this one was put on by mr. and madame s. the fashion show was beautiful and midori did a beautiful intro piece. the music was all right and danceable mostly. it was at the dna lounge which is a cool space, but their drinks aren't cheap and have very little or very watered down liquor in them. i was there for new year's eve too, and good luck trying to get drunk. and i'm a tiny little thing, too; it shouldn't take much.

dita and catherine d'lish did a little performance which was pretty cheesy, but kind of cute. highly choreographed, but cute, sparkly lingerie. the stage was set up as their boudoir and they both come prancing out, get undressed - dita in front of her vanity, catherine on her chaise longue - out of their sparkly outfits and into some fresh lingerie, then they call each other on their sparkling, gold phones, get each other all hot and bothered, dita goes over to catherines, they have a little scene on the chaise longue where they undress each other and drink champagne, but at the end of it, catherine took a gulp of champagne, held it in her mouth, then poured it into dita's mouth which dita promptly spit out into her lap, looking absolutely indignant (but still impressively maintaining a smile). it was hilarious. i think she was horrified. whether it was because she was just caught off guard, or because catherine d'lish is an aging porn star and god knows where her mouth's been, i can't say, but i'm going to go with the latter :)

we missed some of the other performances i wanted to see, but it was two in the morning and i'd had a long day - not to mention a two hour bike ride in the south bay with my agro biking friend (who originally wanted to take me - on my second bike ride ever - on a 15 mile uphill ride. i said, mmmm, i'm a beginner, let's take it easy, but it was still a long ride for someone who doesn't ride much). but it was definitely a good time (both the ball and the ride :) and i'd go to the next one, too.

feb. 8, 2002

the other morning i walked down to the powell street bart/muni station and didn't see a single homeless person begging at the bottom of the escalator. i've never seen that before. maybe it was too cold; it certainly wasn't too early, but for whatever reason no one was there. it was nice.

i went away for a week to visit my sister. she just got into a car accident (she's fine) and was depressed about breaking up with her boyfriend. i was depressed about love and life in general. i'd started to get tired of the city, too. every now and again i'd have a moment where i'd look around me and get disgusted - just a brief moment seeing the trash on the streets, the beggars everywhere - it got to me then was gone.

but i'm back now and happy to be home.

jan 22, 2002

Ah, you just can't get tired of the city. Walking to Bart tonight, I passed some guy on 24th street talking loudly to himself, bitching out Willie Brown, calling him a "black nigger whore" and spewing other invectives. Walking past him was like floating through a heavy cloud of alcohol fumes. It was so strong. I watched the streetlight-cast shadows at my feet and saw him follow me for a bit so I hurried just slightly. Across the street. Turn to look back at him and he's stopped at the corner, standing on the slope of the sidewalk onramp, calling our mayor nasty names.

jan 14, 2002

they found a dead prostitute lying naked on the sidewalk about 7 blocks from my house today. creepy. when i first moved in here, my landlord told me i could walk up the streets from my house in two of the directions and be pretty safe and in the other two directions it wasn't that safe, but i never did figure out which direction i wasn't supposed to walk in by myself after dark.

other than the racist bitch, i haven't had any issues living here. oh, there're definitely some characters and sometimes i'm not sure what to make of them, but they're sidewalk candy, right? there're these two guys that're on the sidewalk out in front of my apartment a lot. and i used to see them all the time and i'd always smile and say hello. and i thought they were friendly at first, then thought they were overly friendly, and now one of them acts like he's never seen me before and i haven't seen the other one in weeks.

i've been writing like mad the past five days and going to bed anxious because it's all i've been thinking about and i can't really sleep and i want to get up early - i go to bed thinking about it and wake up thinking about it and it's on my mind all day long no matter what i'm doing. but it's been good. i've realized that in the soon to be five years since i left school i've only written two complete short stories. oh, i've written other crap here and there, but not anything coherent or anywhere near complete. so this has been lots of work, but it's been really good for me, too.

jan 8, 2002

tried out the female condom last night for the first time ever because we ran out of regular condoms. the most memorable thing about the experience was 'i feel like i'm having sex with a plastic bag'. to it's credit, it wasn't nearly that bad - actually it wasn't any different for me than a regular condom once i got over the fear that his penis was just going to jam the thing up into the furthest crevice it could possibly reach and i'd never be able to get it out, but it managed to hold its own very well - no slippage into the vagina.

they're shaped like a big latex tube with a flexible plastic ring inside one end, and the other end is just open. you squeeze the flexible tube and insert into the vagina (i didn't have any instructions - just this one picture on the condom package - and i opened the thing in the dark and you really should have the lights on when you're trying to using a new contraceptive product that you have to shove inside of you). but i was afraid the open end would just slip in there so i held on to it for a little bit and it seemed fine so i let it go and no problems.

i'd highly recommend it just for the novelty factor. and because condoms just make good sense :) oh yeah - new site's just gone up (today!) so there's a lot of content that hasn't been converted to the new look. and i haven't gotten any of the new stuff up yet either. so stay tuned.