dec. 30, 2002

i had a dream last night that i was babysitting some little kid that only spoke russian. and i was in some house where people were getting assassinated. so i had to make sure i didn't get killed while i was trying to find a russian speaking nanny for the kid :)

i was in cala foods today and saw a dad and his son wandering around with a cart. and i hear the little boy say as he's pulling on the front of the cart, "come on, marshmallow man", and his father, in a low growl, replies, "my name...is...daddy". i thought it was the funniest fucking thing :)

i was just talking to my girlfriend about interviewing. it's been a while since i've done that, but not as long as it's been for her and she's just about to start looking for work after her long ass trip to china and back. we were reminiscing about how easy it used to be to get work in our field :) my mother asked me while i was at home if i was going to make more money after i got my master's degree. i laughed and said no, i don't think so. i made dot com rates at my last job - i don't think i'm going to see that kind of salary again anytime soon :). i realized just recently that i've only had two real, full time jobs in my life. i got almost 20k in raises my first year in my first full time job and i more than doubled my salary going from the one to the other. i've worked contract jobs and miscellaneous small gigs here and there, but've only had two real jobs and neither of those lasted longer than a year and a half - if that.

my mom asked me why i was in school. i've been thinking lately how easy my life would be if all i gave a shit about was making money. fuck, i'd be back in the real world working for someone. i wouldn't have left my last job for christ's sake - that gig was plush - corporate credit card, expense account, travel allowance, fat salary. and nothing now to show for it except my books - i miss that about working - all the free tech books i could want :).

but money's easy; satisfaction is not. yeah, sometimes i miss the money, but at least i'm never bored. i'm not a drone and can't work like one. as soon as something stops being interesting, i start chewing at my leg to free it of its binds. if nothing interesting happens in six months, like if i'm not learning something new - playing with some new technology, learning some new language, digging into some new piece of software, i get bored. i'm a fiercely loyal and dedicated employee, but once i get bored all bets are off and i'm fucking wasting everyone's time. i think i've probably mellowed out a little bit. jobs aren't so easy to come by anymore, money's not so easy to get - i'll do the boring shit i have to in order to pay the bills, but i refuse to get trapped in some full time gig that'll eat away at my heart and soul. that's why i'm in school. cause i love this shit. i love it when guys melt cause i use linux. i love it when someone asks, "you're a web developer? so you do web design? write html?" and i say fuck no. i love making something work better, i love writing code, i love writing some application - no matter how big or small - that makes someone's life easier and just fucking works. it's not that different from creative writing i think - you're writing something that didn't exist before. or if it did exist, you're writing it differently than anyone else did before you. it's fucking beautiful. and i love it. it makes my fucking blood pump.

dec. 26, 2002

i woke up in a panic early this morning and realized that i've left my one remaining cat home alone for a week. am renting a car and leaving at noon. hope she's ok (i'm sure she is - she could probably do without a couple of days of food).

god, my mom depresses me sometimes. she waited til my last day to tell me depressing things and cry. i never know what to do when people cry. so i sat on the couch and didn't move.

i used to worship my dad. i still do mostly. i thought the world of him and thought their fucked up marriage was all my mom's fault til my mom thought i was old enough to start telling me shit. i didn't believe her at first. funny how the people who are supposed to love you the most also fuck you up the most. i wonder a lot about what she was like before she got broken - there must've been something wonderful about her.

the shit i remember from my childhood - those things stay with me. those things haunt me. not so much now, but they still do. i still consider myself lucky - i never got beat on a daily basis, no one put out cigarette butts on my arm, my father didn't sexually molest me. i had the privilege of being the firstborn. i was spared in a lot of ways. my sister was not in some ways. i always had the world for the taking - cause my parents wanted to give it to me. and when i got older, because i kicked ass at everything i did. yeah, i'm privileged. but now as an adult, i work for my privileges.

marriage? family? first thing i think of is my parents. sometimes i think marriage is like some fucked up religious life sentence. like the fucking vulture picking at your body every day. you wake up thinking everything's cool, and next thing you know, you're missing your fucking stomach, and you wake up and do it all over again. every fucking day. i don't think that's what it has to be. i've been in good relationships - i know how it works. i won't make the same mistake my folks did, but i'm cautious as all hell. and maybe emotionally removed as a result, too.

my father? he's a hard ass. he gave himself a vasectomy. that's the metal he's fucking made of. it's the same metal i'm made of. i got his brains, his good looks, and his quiet ways. i got both their fucking short tempers, a double helping of addiction from both sides of the family, and my mother's creativity and jealous tendencies. some of that shit i was born with and some of it i learned. it's the shit that i learned that's the worst, but that's the shit that i can let go of, too.

dec. 24, 2002

christmas eve. i got two hours in the car alone. just me and the car radio. it was a relief. i've loved seeing my family - or actually my son's family - cause it's been a long time. i've gotten loads of pictures. i've realized i've missed them cause i get home to san francisco and i forget all about this world down here. but i haven't had a moment alone since i've gotten here and those couple of hours in the car were bliss. the constant drone of the tv is numbing my brain :) merry christmas.

dec. 21, 2002

my god, what rot i've been writing here lately. my ex said to me a few weeks ago, what happened to you? when did you get so soft? you used to be such a tough girl. and i argued with him, but he was right. i think loneliness had gotten to me, but i'm feeling sane again, feeling my edge coming back on :) cute boy's lost his magic hold over me (thank god - i was starting to wonder about it), but i think hanging out with him's been good for me - it's given me back perspective and reminded me again who the hell i fucking am. but i'll let corrina rot on with her current obsession - cause i like to hear her mope ;)

hung out with the cute boy today. went and checked out a couple of rooms near school. i don't think i'm going to move. but i keep going back and forth about it. finished my last final. didn't end up studying for it at all - every time i cracked opened the book i just couldn't focus. i think a lot of emotional shit's been bubbling up (like you couldn't tell from the last entry :). talking with cute boy's kind of brought all sorts of shit up. i guess it's good sometimes to stop and take emotional stock of yourself. even if it makes you cry at the drop of a fucking hat. i'll get things sorted out. i always do. on a brighter note, had a lovely dinner with friends, and drinking and talking. and tomorrow i don't have a goddamn thing i have to do - woohoo - go me :)

dec. 15, 2002

had an amazing night with an awesome guy, then got home today and bawled my fucking eyes out. what the hell is wrong with me? i blame the hot fucking baths. must quit bathing...

so last night i got to spill beans. about the drugs, the selling, the arrests, the thieving, the rehab, the cutting. sleeping in cars, closets, garages, getting dragged home by the cops. my god, the shit i used to do to my body, the amount of money i blew through. have i ever told you i used to hang out with crack dealers? that my boyfriend thought i was sleeping with all of them? that he used to leave the fucking shithole in pomona we used to crash at for 15 minutes and come back and pat down the bed for wet spots? i was 17 - what did i know about whoring and cheating?

we got kidnapped by dealers once, for about half an hour. me, 17 or 18, pregnant in a thin, pink indian print dress, knives in our backs. what the fuck are you doing with this guy? one of them asked. so nice of them to be concerned for me while they were ripping me off and threatening his life. boyfriend and i got separated and when the guy in charge of me took off i wandered around wondering what to do. when i saw boyfriend across the street with the cops, the first thought wasn't i should run over and see if he's ok, it was fuck, cops, i gotta get rid of this crackpipe. in a mobile station bathroom. placed carefully so i could come retrieve it. no, my mind wasn't all there. the woman cop that came and picked me up asked me some questions and then said, you don't look liked you're scared at all. course not, i'm riding with you.

it's cathartic to talk about the past. it reminds me of how i got here. it reminds me of what i used to be. it reminds me how well adjusted i fucking am. my stomach used to knot and my body would physically itch whenever i watched people get high - in movies, in real life. the smells of speed and rock burning or anything that smells like that still gets on my nerves. the first time i saw pulp fiction and that scene with uma thurman - even though she got sick as a dog and od'ed - i so fucking wanted that.

it's been long enough now that i'm not so affected by it. i don't get physically uncomfortable anymore watching drug scenes. i still feel something, but it's not that crawling itch or the burn in the belly. and you wonder why i have such a hard time quitting smoking. i'm not smoking anymore, but i'm still getting my fix - i've decided i'm never coming off the patch.

and you wonder why i have black thoughts, too. it's because there are rents in my heart that time has mostly healed, but sometimes it aches like a motherfucker and there is no outlet but to vent and cry and think about the shit i used to do that i no longer do, but sometimes wish i could. i have a self destructive bent, i keep too much shit inside and like to take out my emotional pain physically. my life is completely different now than it used to be, but my heart is still the same. and while i'm mostly happy (that i'm still fucking alive) and know that i've got shit better than a whole lot of other people, sometimes the poison leaks and rips open my heart and rots my fucking brain.

dec. 13, 2002

woohoo - got done with my last final at 'sf last night. i've got one more, but i've got four whole days before that one so of course i had to go out and celebrate my first successfully completed full semester :) mo's getting an apartment right here in the mission about 10 blocks away - great, lively little neighborhood. we went to the, ah fuck, i can't remember the name - cute little irish pub on valencia or guerrero. some guy bought me and m (and mo when she got there) a few rounds of drinks. i think he was trying to get me to come back to his hotel and try out his jacuzzi hot tub, but we got the fuck out of there before too long - he was getting too cozy.

my cat left me a huge pile of vomit right next to my laptop on the kitchen table this morning. yum. i think it must some sort of hint.

oh my god - that cat vomit last night (that i forgot to clean up :) - my cat was eating it this morning!

the first full week in december over - 2003 is almost here - you know what that means? the matrix. i've waited three fucking years. just another 5 months, right? :) i remember the first time i saw it i was so blown away. i went and saw it in the theater as many times as i could. after a while i couldn't get anyone to come with me so i'd go alone. i just finally got a dvd player, but my matrix dvd (yes, i bought it even though i didn't have a player :) is m.i.a. i've been watching memento instead - good movie, but poor substitute.

i've been meaning to write a script to parse the search queries out of my logs. i tail them every now and again. there's been several insect crushing queries lately - i find that amusing. and someone had one of my pages translated into french today :) here're some other goodies:

• "royal Oak Michigan" "" furniture (google) - poor lost soul probably wanted to find some furniture store near his house and ended up on the fetish directory page :) - don't know what he put in the extra quotes for though.
• corrina office sex (google)
• husband OR "boyfriend" "naked with my" (google)
• toe cleavage (google)
• My Father's Scar (google) - my favorite from today :)

i went out with my friends tonight. i almost didn't because i need to finish my prolog project - well, i need to start on it - it's due monday. along with my assembly final, but that's open book so i probably won't study for it. i hate open book tests cause it makes me fucking lazy. i didn't do as hot on my last exam cause it was open book/open note and i stubbornly refused to look at my notes til after i'd done all the questions, then tried to go through my notes, but that was more frustrating than anything else - they're so disorganized.

but i'm so glad i went. mo's back in town - i saw her wednesday and have been too tired to write about it, but oh it was so fucking good to see her again. she's been gone for so long. and she said she checked out this site on occasion - i didn't know that; it tickled me pink :)

my friends so rock. i love being with them. sometimes i hesitate about going out cause i'm an antisocial little thing, but i'm always glad i go cause there's nothing like the company of good friends who know you really well and we laugh and laugh and i love it. we can talk about anything, make fun of each other, and just have a good time no matter what we're doing. i get so high off of it (my new favorite phrase lately :).

oh, i was walking home at 2:30 in the morning - i walked a few blocks to the bus stop - that was kind of creepy. i hate walking through dark streets. irvine's like that. it's perfectly safe, but i still hate walking through dark streets. i was at some bar on 16th and portrero and walking down 16th to mission. luckily it's only a few blocks and once i got to south van ness the streets lit up. mission was dead, but the bus was full of people. buses are always great fun :) so i was walking down the block from the bus stop to my apartment and some guy came up to me and wanted to come over to my place and drink beers. i had to tell him no thanks :) guys in the mission are forward - they're never afraid of rejection - it's not a bad thing - i'll give them that :)

i've been thinking of myself as 30 for a while now and today i realized - god, i'm still 28. but not for too many more weeks i'm afraid. i used to have this thing where i convinced myself i had to have accomplished something by the time i turned 28 or i'd have to kill myself. and so periodically throughout my 27th year i'd ponder over that great thing i was supposed to accomplish. in the end i decided to chalk up something i did a couple of years ago as the great thing i was supposed to accomplish and was spared the suicide.

my ex keeps telling me my eggs are going bad. i ponder the facial lotions trying to figure out which one i'm supposed to buy. i always end up sticking with the one i've been using. too many options and i can't decide. and i'm not so old that i need a special lotion. at least i don't think i am - i still get carded for cigarettes, right? :) and i've been smoking like a fiend. in the house even! but i got back on the patch yesterday and have cut down significantly on the cigarettes, but fuck, at night, i want to smoke. i've been eating like shit since thanksgiving (and the advent of the ex) and haven't been to the gym in a week. i'm getting fat and smell like an ashtray - very attractive i'm sure. i'm also not sleeping enough - i went to bed at 3 last night and that was early for me. lately i can't sleep, but i'm not very productive either. i fuck around with stuff - not the stuff i'm supposed to be doing like homework and projects and getting ready for finals, but stupid shit like trying to re-network all my machines after this weekend. but since i'm tired, i'm careless and slow. right now, as we speak, i'm supposed to be finishing up my java project which was due last week (group projects suck ass - how did i get stuck with it?!) but i'm browsing geek dating sites and eating ice cream. *sigh*.

i had to leave the house for a few hours today. spent the weekend ripping apart my machines and i couldn't walk through my house without stepping on something. it was driving me nuts. the bus back home dropped me off at 9th and market. interesting neighborhood. i was walking through watching everyone on the streets and thinking, wow, the shit that's bugging me is nothing compared to the shit bugging some of these folks. i don't have any problems that can possibly compare. i was talking to a slightly mentally disturbed friend of mine last night, too, while i was sitting on the floor with screwdrivers and itty bitty screws littered all around. he's not disturbed as in not all there, he just has some issues and his life's been a whirlwind in the short time i've known him. he's been in the mental hospital twice in the - oh, six months or so that i've known him. and to hear him ramble on about the shit he's got going on in his life was trippy. and it makes me realize how fucking lucky i am. i'll never have to sell my car on the black market for a couple hundred dollars to pay rent. i'll just keep the fucker in my ex-boyfriend's garage for as long as he'll let me :)

you make me ache. but i hurt you, too, and i don't know why i can't salve my ache with you. my heart breaks when i hear your words, but it breaks in a dark cavity and i don't really feel it. deep down i miss you more than i know how to say, but i bury myself in other worlds with other things with other people. coding all night, fucking all day, eating grass like a cow in the field that doesn't know any better. i don't even like grass. i want, but i don't want. it's fear and hatred and a reckless, destructive stubbornness that grips me by the throat and won't let go. but i let it keep its hold on me. i don't know how to make it let go.

do you know how far this has gone?
just how damaged have i become?
when i think i can overcome
it runs even deeper

in a dream i'm a different me
with a perfect you...

so we made it through thanksgiving. i ate so much i couldn't move. the ex made it up here without his friend. he got an earful hanging out with us girls, listening to us bitch about each of our recent ex'es. they all laughed at me about my tastes in men, but i didn't mind. i had the best stuffing ever - and i don't even like stuffing. doing the dishes after a feast is one of my favorite things - the warm water running over my hands, the mechanical motions, washing all the goo off of plates and silverware - i zone out and think my thoughts. and i can't sit still for too long. we watched a movie but i only caught bits and pieces. i spent a lot of time in the kitchen - like i said, i can't sit still for too long. gravy and cranberry sauce - those are my favorite parts of the meal and i kick ass at making both. i don't care much for turkey, but it's edible with plenty of cranberry sauce and gravy. and pumpkin pie and fresh whipped cream. coffee would've been nice, but you can't have everything :).

interesting search queries today:

• girlfriend gaining weight muscle to beat boyfriend (google)
• thanksgiving fuck pictures (google)
• lolitas under 14 years (yahoo)
• "rub my thigh" (yahoo)

i had an awesome run last night. i can do 6 miles easy now and i get so high off of it. i know i rave about it every so often, but it never ceases to amaze me. i think the physical sensation of my body moving, propelling me mile after mile is amazing. the mechanics of how my body works - the up and down of my legs and arms, the way my body balances itself, the rolling of the foot, the breathing. maybe it's the sounds of the breathing and the feet hitting the ground that sort of hypnotize me, everything's so rhythmic and balanced - left side and right side. the swinging motion. sometimes i want to go forever and ever and i feel like i can...if i had the time :)

of course with all this running and working out - my boobs have shrunk. i woke one morning - i shit you not - a couple of weeks ago and my breasts were just smaller. i mean they're really small to start off with - barely a small handful, but they're even smaller now. luckily some other parts of me are smaller, too - you know the parts you normally want to get smaller (everything but the boobs) are a little smaller. i'm not a thin girl and will never be a thin girl - i'm built kind of large for a short asian girl :) but i'm not obsessed about it. someone told me the other day that i had a big ass (which i do) and luckily i'm not hung up about it or i'd probably be bummed out about someone telling me that (trust me, i analyzed this statement for a long time to try to figure out how i really felt about it). i think i'm in pretty decent shape, but it's still hard not to have body issues - especially as a woman - we all have a skewed view of ourselves. i think guys have it just as rough, but they're not so vocal about it.

i called my parents tonight - they're so funny - the first thing they always ask is have i eaten? like they don't think i can feed myself properly. though they probably wouldn't consider what i ate proper nutrition (i eat a lot of salads - but i really like salads! i think when i work out a lot my body craves veggies - you know, for their nutrients :) i eat junk food, too - cheeseburgers, fries, cookies and donuts - i live by the best donut shop in the world - she always throws in an extra donut even when i'm buying just one - which i guess has it's good and bad :).

i've been thinking of chopping off my hair. i'm a little obsessed about shaving my head - i've thought about it for years, but will probably never do it. my girlfriend asked me to shave her head a few months ago and she looked awesome with no hair. i used to work with another girl who kept her head shaved and she looked great, too with no hair. and i just have a thing about shaved heads in general. but so, as an alternative to shaving it completely, i've been thinking about just cutting my hair really short - cause i've spent years growing it out and it looks beautiful and healthy, but i'm getting kind of vain about it and i don't want to be vain about it. maybe if i just don't think about it - but it's so long and so everywhere it's hard not to think about it. of course, now it's a little too late cause i'm too vain about it to want to cut it off. i was thinking about what i'd do with short hair - i think i'd have to style it or something, and it seems like too much work. blow drying my hair as it is is a lot of work; i don't think i can handle styling it too. besides i suck at that sort of thing. that's another thing to add to my perfect guy wishlist - someone who doesn't want me to be a chic fashion princess - someone who doesn't care that most of my clothing is solid colored (and mostly black) because it makes it easier to match things up. i don't know what happened to me - i used to be really fashion conscience, but i guess everyone is in middle/high school, right? :) now, i couldn't put an outfit together to save my life. i was out shopping just recently to get some long sleeved tops cause my favorite one is falling apart (this is how i decide when to go buy new clothes :) and clothes are funky. lucky for me basic black never goes out of style and there's always something i could wear. have you noticed how short girls pants are nowadays? you know, the hip riders - i had to buy a pair a while ago because pants don't come in any other flavor anymore and my other pants were too big, and most of my shirts are barely long enough to cover all my skin. but i guess the point is not to cover all the skin :)

i met a cute guy today with a prosthetic foot! i've never met anyone before with a prosthetic. i actually met him on the bus on my way to school about a month ago. but i hadn't seen him since. he remembered my name; i was impressed. he's taking off in january to go travelling for a few years - a tour through the states, then off to anywhere and everywhere and i asked him if he'd saved up for taking such a long trip and that's when he told me about the foot. he didn't seem hung up on it; he's had it since he was a kid. i thought it was really cool.

i guess it sounds odd that i'm so excited about meeting someone with a fake foot, but i get excited about the stories. growing up with a fake appendage - i'm sure his stories are different from my stories - i was a healthy kid. i think all your experiences go into making you who you are - my sister and i are completely different people. we had the same parents and grew up in the same home, but i branched off and left years ago, and came back different and as time goes on, we become more and more different. i think we're both intelligent and creative, but we're worlds apart. we have different tastes in everything, and different priorities. i'm more open minded and accepting of people (because i met all sorts when i was younger :) and she still loves the little, perfect world we grew up in - that's not bad, it's just different. i love where i live, i love a little bit of sleaziness - she hated visiting here. she didn't like being gawked at by hispanic men every time she left my apartment. my parents hated my neighborhood, too - said it was like someplace out of a movie (i think my neighborhood is perfectly fine :).

and my sis is smoking hot - i walk around with her and watch men gawk at her non-stop. i think sometimes it makes me self conscious. no, i know it makes me self conscious. sometimes it's hard to be with her because i feel small - i know that it's my own hang up, but it's also partly the fact that it's important to her. i'm not hot and i don't think i ever will be - sure sometimes i can look really nice - anyone can look great with enough make up and a short skirt and heels - and i know i'm not unattractive. i think i'm relatively attractive because enough people have told me so, but i don't think of myself in that way so it's always incredibly flattering to know someone thinks that. my ex tells me i'm beautiful and i love that, but i think beauty is always the subjective view of those that love you. and i think i am a beautiful person to those who love me - because as crass as i can be sometimes, and as hard as i seem or look sometimes, i'm a good person with a really big heart, and probably a bit too much empathy for my own good.

so anyway, going back to my friend, i think the fact that he wasn't embarassed or uncomfortable about his foot was really cool. it's probably the thing that makes me feel it's ok to get excited about meeting someone with a prosthetic foot - no matter how weird it sounds :)

i took down my guitar today to try to pluck out some NIN tunes (yeah, that's a piece of cake :) i don't actually play the guitar, but have a beautiful one i got for my birthday last year. i was trying to learn it for a while, but have since given up. i use it more like a piano - every now and again i pick at the strings and try to play some melodies. i only know three actual guitar cords and the intro to sunday bloody sunday - that's the extent of my guitar abilities and unfortunately that gets old pretty quick. i've been thinking about taking the piano back up though, but i don't have anything to practice on - or any space in my apartment to put something i could practice on in :)

it's thanksgiving week and i feel a little weird - i think this'll be the first time i don't spend thanksgiving with my family - hell maybe ever - i can't recall ever not spending it with them. maybe those few years where i wasn't really part of the family, but that was years and years ago - and i don't always remember that chunk of my life too clearly :) to make up for lack of family, though, i'm spending this thanksgiving with two of my pro dom girlfriends (two doms, one sub - i'm at their whim :) which should be fun. my ex called me today and he and his friend are probably going to come up to spend thanksgiving here and i invited them to join me and the dominatrices. he said his friend might get shy - i told him it'd be a nice normal thanksgiving - we wouldn't even go across the hall to the dungeon at all :)

i'm not quite sure how i feel about the ex coming up here - i guess i feel ambivalence. and maybe nervousness. we're really close friends, but there's always a slight tension because we're single and perfectly suited for each other, yet apart. i'm sure there are valid reasons why we remain apart - i just haven't quite figured them out. but i've learned that if i have any doubts, then i should trust my instincts, and as beautiful as our relationship was and as much as i will always love him and as wonderful and amazing and all those other superlatives i think he is, i am still haunted by doubt. maybe crippled by it. we've had long, long discussions about it - our current relationship, our suitability for each other, and yet our lack of enthusiasm to rekindle our flame. things change, but life keeps moving on and you keep living it your own way. both of us are too strong and too independent to uproot ourselves in the hopes of a potential reunion. and there's a reason for that, too, i'm sure. i'm not afraid of the new, but i want my past to be my past.

i've been writing a lot here lately. i keep meaning to back off, but it's kind of nice to have a place to vent every day. a moment to recap the day and remember the funny or interesting shit that happened or to write down things i've thought about. i know sometime in the future i will appreciate coming back to read this, but sometimes i feel overly exposed. and i guess that's not a bad thing, as long as i remember to cover myself back up when i'm done.

oh - new euphemism for big tits - "she's got a lot of logs stacked in front of her cabin" - my friend's dad talking about my friend's mom with him (just imagine your dad saying that to you about your mom :).

recent search queries:

oh wow i had a good cry last night. nine inch nails playing, clutching the pillow, crying so hard i couldn't breathe kind of crying. i need it every now and again. i get emotional when i haven't had enough sleep. and, you know, when i talk to the ex :) the only thing that got me off the bed finally was remembering i wanted to make my computer play mary had a little lamb for me.

ugh, i'm such a social retard sometimes! i went to go talk to one of my instructors today and i'm always brimming with questions, but i got all tongue tied around him. i have this nasty habit of drilling people with questions upon questions. i've given a lot of thought to it because i don't know if that's normal. i think that i do it cause i'm really really curious. i want to know how people get to where they are in life. it's probably because i always feel a little like a drifter so i want to know how other people end up making the decisions they make - i'm compiling a little mental database for future reference. and i love other peoples' stories - it's the writer in me.