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February 3, 2004

I've grown out of this site. It's been an awesome outlet for me for a long time, but I'm a different person now. I've set up a blog at my photo album domain so if you know that one, go visit it and say hello.

dec. 19, 2003

Ha. My friend called me a hypochondriac. No, I don't have a drinking problem, but for a couple days I was really worried. I've regained my senses now. Speaking of drinking, I was at the Dovre Club last night and asked the Irish bartender for a Bushmills, and he got terribly upset about it - I wasn't sure why, and was too afraid to ask. I had a Powers instead. Fine whiskey.

Friend also said my last entry was so sad. It was, but you see me for a glimmer of a moment and that's really all it is. Just a moment. It passes quick and then is gone, but because I put it down in words, it lingers much longer than it should, or than it did in real life. This is what this site has been to me - a place to come pour my heart out when I needed to. And this is partly why I've outgrown it. Because my thoughts are bigger, and need more space and time than I've allowed myself here. I could change the tone of it now, but I like this space for what it was and want to keep it that way. A change of venue will be a fresh start. And the New Year is always an excellent time for a fresh start.

I was reading an interesting essay today - a feminist man's point of view on heterosexual men's sexuality. It's an endlessly fascinating topic to me. It reminded me of the ambivalence I feel about my own sexual behaviour and how even though I try to view it in a feminist light and allow myself the freedom to behave as I do, I still sometimes see it from a traditional viewpoint. The classic virgin and whore complex. I've always been the whore and unabashedly unashamed of it. I've never wanted to be the virgin, but sometimes I think I see myself as the virgin would. It's easy to go the traditional route. It's easy to want what everyone else has and wants you to have, too. But how much more satisfying and freeing to flout tradition - not simply for the sake of flouting it, but because you refuse to fit into a mold. I foresee long, lonely nights with only self-induced orgasms for me for quite some time. But I'm giddy nonetheless :)

dec. 15, 2003

I've outgrown this site. I was reading through it earlier tonight -- I haven't been here in forever -- and it seems so distant. I've been thinking about starting up something new at one of my other domain names. I will eventually when I get my enthusiasm for this shit back up. Somehow, it seems much less significant. I feel like my brain is withering away. I don't have the same passion for the things I used to. It certainly isn't maturity. Is it old age? Maybe my brain just doesn't work as fast. I'm bored for some reason, and I can't seem to get out of that funk. Normally reading something new will lift my spirits, but I've been having a hard time getting into anything, and finally when I do, I find (make) so little time to read. I'm working a lot, but that's not mentally fulfilling. It can be emotionally fulfilling and that's why I do it, but it doesn't fire me up. The people around me are awesome and I'm enjoying them more and more all the time. But people passion never really did it for me; I need something more I'm not getting, but I don't know what it is.

But I'm feeling especially dark tonight. For no explicable reason. Maybe it was talking to my sister. Maybe it's this goddamn music - Amy Lee's voice rips right to your heart - doesn't matter what she's fucking singing. It just makes me want to cry.

I've been wondering lately if I'm starting to develop a drinking problem. I drink every fucking night. And I've moved on from wine -- it's not enough just to have a glass of wine in the evening. I'm drinking straight whiskey. Not a lot - usually just a small glass or two, and I don't get drunk. But today I had talk myself out of getting a beer for lunch, and I crave that drink in the evening. I can't not have it. Oddly enough I've just recently met someone who's been in AA for a year and a half and I asked him several questions about it - I was mostly curious about how he got himself there. And I've been thinking about going to a meeting - for old time's sake. I've been to loads of NA and AA meetings. But I thought it was all crap - pseudo religious, almost cultish crap. It works for some people. Didn't work for me, but I thought it might be an interesting experience to check it out again.

I had a great day. I had a great run. I had a yummy dinner. And I still feel like this - like my fucking heart is breaking, like I want to crawl under the covers and cry endlessly. But I know that I'll be fine tomorrow. I know that I go through these phases - sometimes they're longer, sometimes they're ephemeral. And the world can be perfect, and my life fabulous, and I will still have moments when I feel like this. But it makes me so much more aware, when I'm done, that life is good. If you didn't have dark moments, what would make the light moments light?

sep. 24, 2003

hrm...i've been sick for two weeks...two fucking weeks! i finally went to the doctor and he says i have some god awful chronic sinus infection. but i'm finally on antibiotics so i should finally, finally get better. i thought that last week, too, but i wasn't on antibiotics then...we'll see what happens. i'm not happy about it.

i did manage to drag my ass out tonight though because it was the birthday of a very good friend of mine and i couldn't not go. actually, he and i used to date, but we're so much better friends now and so close that i never think of him in that context anymore. but it was good to see a couple of our friends i don't get to see that often, especially my beautiful little writer friend who always inspires me (which is why i'm here and not dead asleep) probably way more than she realizes or knows.

so, i'm still enjoying working. and since i did that contract work before it wasn't much of a transition. it's nice cause it's so laid back - i've spent a few days working from home and no one bats an eye. today i wasn't quite so productive, but i keep telling myself i'm sick and allowed a little laziness :) i've been reading a lot and thinking a lot and that's always interesting. i want to start programming something juicy soon and i think i have a project formulating as we speak. but next semester, i think i'll take a class for fun, too. i want to do some lab work. lab work...yay!

sep. 10, 2003

i LOVE my new job. the time just flies by and i completely forget about it. i haven't been this excited about work since i started my last full time job...oh about 3 1/2 years ago. no more dead squirrels. just lots of good looking, smart people. you're jealous, aren't you? :)

sep. 03, 2003

oh, i saw another dead squirrel the other day - this one, i've never seen one like this before cause they're normally squished flat - looked like he was passed out drunk on his back. whole squirrel. no flattened parts. bloated belly - really, he looked passed out. except that i'm pretty sure he was not. today i saw a completely flattened out, looked like a mini squirrel rug for the hearth type of dead squirrel. i think i'm way over my quota of dead squirrels for the year.

it's wednesday so i have two more days of working in palo alto and every time i drive to work i think about how much i'm going to miss that scenery. i won't miss the drive, but it really is so beautiful. have i mentioned i'll be working four blocks from home now? :)

oh, and i'm having lunch with my sys admin tomorrow! he won't be my sys admin for too much longer since i'm leaving in two days, but he's so cute, and just slightly goofy and you know how i love that. i'm not into good looking guys, but if they're slightly goofy and sys admins, well, then i'll have lunch with them. i think i have quite a thing for sys admins, though. i love geeks in general, but i'm going to say that i especially love sys admins.

my friend told me today that when queried about our relationships, he told someone i was his elaine. you know, of seinfeld. i thought that was pretty fucking funny. i wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing, but he assures me it's a good thing.

aug. 28, 2003

i've been totally into the the white stripes break up album (elephant) - not for any specific reason, it just happens to be the only white stripes cd i own (i didn't know it was their "break up" cd until way after i bought it, but how apropos!) and i've been listening to it non-stop. my favorite, stuck in my head lines: it's hard to look you in the face when we are talking so it helps to have amirror in the room. every time i hear that line i wish i was a mean person and had someone to say it to. but unfortunately, my break ups usually end pretty nicely.

i had a friend over the other night and i pulled down my shirt over my shoulder to show him this huge bump i have on my shoulder that won't go away. it doesn't hurt, it's not full of pus, it's not even that large (maybe about the size of a really small cherry pit). but i've had it there for a month or two or maybe even three or more. and he said it was a boil! i said it's not a fucking boil - jesus boils make me think of the dark ages. then, he told me this disgusting, dry heave causing story about sticking a pin up into his gums because it hurt so bad and draining pus out of it for 20 minutes. i was thinking about it on the freeway today and simulatenously laughing and dry heaving.

now go away and do not leave a trace.

aug. 27, 2003

my dsl provider emailed me the other day saying they were going to charge me LESS for my service than they have been. how often do people charge you less?! on the other hand, i called my credit card company cause my payment's due tomorrow, but i locked myself out of my stupid online account (too many tries on that password :) and they charged me 15 bucks to pay my bill over the goddamn phone! i told him it was highway robbery, but that i'd pay cause i save 20 bucks by paying tonight - they charge me a $35 late fee - i have the worst fucking credit card.

there's so much spinning in my head and i keep thinking of things i want to write about here, but i can't remember them! i'm completely exhausted. i think driving down to palo alto and back every day is wearing on me. the traffic's not bad on the 280 so it's not traffic, but i hate commuting. i suck at it. and i've been working long hours, then working at home on another stupid thing. i did go into my new job to talk to the guy who i'll be replacing and met a bunch of people and chatted with him and felt so at home. so excited to start there.

i told myself i wouldn't have a drop to drink tonight, but i couldn't manage to stay away from the wine.

aug. 25, 2003

hey, i've been meaning to write, but have been busy (mostly drinking). so i just got my dream job! last week. in a whirlwind two days - got a call from a friend asking if i was interested, interviewed the next morning, got offered the job the morning after that. how fucking crazy, but it so suits me. and it's with an organization i've supported for years - ever since i got online. and i have complete autonomy. and i think some free reign over the web server, though they're getting a new sys admin so we'll have to see how he feels about it (though he and i've been emailing and he fucking rocks, too; i can't wait to meet him). i'll be surrounded by incredibly smart and passionate people and a small, close knit group - so perfect for me.

and i was still psyched for school just three weeks ago, but a contract gig just fell into my lap (and after a summer of "working" where i sat in front of a computer all day doing nothing - there's only so much web surfing you can do in a day when you have nothing else to do - i wasn't about to turn away any real work), then this. and there was no way in hell i was going to turn this down. i am the happiest girl alive. and this job increases my cool factor by about 1000 times :)

aug. 20, 2003

ooohhh...i haven't been on my bicycle in a long time. riding on the street late into the night; the mission is perfect for that (bike lane on valencia) and on my god it feels good. girlfriend's back from her long ass vacation; i missed her like crazy - i think partly because so much shit changed in the short time that she was gone (2 1/2 weeks, but it felt like 6 months). she has no idea how many times i wanted to just call her up and hear her shake her head. missed you, babe - so glad you're home (for the week :)

aug. 18, 2003

a friend of mine mentioned that that squirrel could've just been eating the other one. in which case i'd have to rescind the sentimental crap about squirrels having emotions (sorry twitcher).

so my car got broken into the other day. i hadn't seen it for a couple of days since i've been carpooling down to the south bay, but went out there on saturday (to drive it 10 blocks to the sf/spca - hey, i was running late) and all the windows were rolled down, a window in back was broken, all the shit in the glove compartment was on the floor. not new to me. but first time in the mission. what's funny is that my car had been filthy for a long time. i'd leave it on the street for a week and not move it. a friend borrowed it and washed it and it looks cleaner than i ever remember it looking. i blame the break in on its cleaniness. the would be thieves (they didn't bother taking anything - nothing to take :) very kindly broke a small, rear window - you know one of those little triangles in the back seat that aren't really windows per se. i thought it was super considerate of them - saves me money, you know. i also didn't drive the car to the sf/spca and walked instead and still made it on time :)

aug. 15, 2003

oh, i was on the 280 coming back from work today (carpooling with my uber cool friend :) and i saw the weirdest looking thing. it was a squirrel standing next to a dead squirrel just off the road in the shoulder and for a second i thought it was one squirrel. a couple miles away i started thinking about what the squirrel was doing and why - was it mourning the other one? what if they were on their way together somewhere - husband and wife, mother and son, brother and sister, and one got ahead of the other one and looked back to smile and wave and wait, but got squished instead. how your heart would fucking break! i know, i know it's silly to anthropomorphize animals, but i don't think they're devoid of experiencing what we call emotions. otherwise, why would a live squirrel stand in the shoulder, about a foot away from rushing traffic, next to dead one?

and wow, i've had a long week. first full week of work i've done in a long time. feels sort of good. but i passed out tonight after getting home from work and am now getting ready again to go to bed (at all of 10:30 PM :) but i've worked every day and gone out every night this week. and i've got orientation at the sf/spca tomorrow - so i can volunteer to be with the dogs all the time. cause i'm obsessed about getting one, but don't want the responsibility so i figure spending time with the shelter dogs will fulfill that need (and perhaps quell it too :)

oh, btw, someone searched on "why are fleas attracted to me" on yahoo and got to this page today. i thought that was damn cute. there are some funny results for that query.

aug. 14, 2003

well i had an awesome evening catching up with an old friend. then chatting with another i found out some interesting things that irritated me. information is a beautiful thing. something to share and pass along, but it doesn't always feel good - like getting injected with a vaccination at the doctor's. does it feel good? no. but in the long term it's beneficial. perhaps not the ideal analogy, but it works for me right now. just because i don't like it or don't agree with it or it makes me feel uncomfortable doesn't ever mean i'd give up that knowledge. information is viral. and it's meant to be spread.

so, i find myself censoring certain parts of the site at various time - always to return them to their original truth at some later point - in order to be somewhat protective of people when i know they might be visiting. but fuck that. you can't just hide something that you wrote at a particular moment in time because your feelings change (if i could i'd rip that last piece out right now). but that's what journals are for. so you can see what a silly ass you can become at times.

to forever sleep? you're a lying asshole. sleep in hell. you couldn't come clean. i came clean, but you lied by simply not saying enough. let it fester; i hope it gets infected. you're a ghost of the person i used to think you were. what the hell happened to you?

aug. 07, 2003

you took up so much space in my heart. i've been working on clearing you out, but seeing you was strange. i can't get that look in your eyes out of my head. and i felt aloof because i knew i had to be, but was afraid that maybe you left not knowing that i felt the same way.

we never let ourselves feel the loss of the other. like little children hanging on to the tattered remains of our favorite clothes hoping one day we'd be able to put them back on. but they don't fit anymore. and we knew they wouldn't, but still kind of hoped they would.

but you were right. and i was right. and both of our worst fears came true. and even as i'm excited about a new life, a new love, and new strength, i mourn the loss of you.

aug. 05, 2003

i was talking to a friend of mine tonight having a laugh riot. i have so much fun with her! there's this cute little test on match.com that you know, helps you date and figure out relationships. it's actually rather unique - at least i haven't seen anything like it, but i'm not a big fan of relationship tests. but it's easy to take, just a few minutes, and gives you this huge printout of who you are and who you're looking for etc...so we were discussing ourselves. then laughing about ex'es.

so, of course you all know about my recent gyno experience so i can be frank about how i have this weird goo oozing out of my vagina. sometimes it's there and sometimes it's not - you never know what you're going to see when you pull down your trousers. and it is some nasty looking stuff. like a mix between shit and snot. i can't wait for the faucet to stop leaking. (grossed out, aren't you? yeah, so am i. just imagine if it was coming out of you).

i went to the yerba buena center for the arts today with another friend to check out their LAPD crime photo exhibit. it was interesting - i love that crime stuff anyway, but i think i liked looking at the old photographs from the 20's-70's, too. there's a small room of photos and newspaper clippings of especially notorious killings. and my favorites were the cops on old indian motorcycles and the sidecar jail (a must see). i highly recommend it. it's free for everyone on the first tuesday of every month, and free every thursday for students and seniors.

aug. 03, 2003

went and saw the magdalene sisters with a couple of friends today. i'm really interested in that type of thing - historical views/attitudes about women's sexuality. i get incensed about it - where do we get off judging people like that? as a whole and not individually? and obviously these are injustices that can be applied to many situations that involve prejudice of any form. i'm especially interested in this issue because i think i have my own misgivings about my sexuality and the information and social mores that inform my views about female sexuality. not to mention the great dearth of information - information that would've armed me in my younger years and maybe saved me from some foibles. but then again, maybe not. i definitely wish i'd been better educated about sex, but i can't say i would've definitely acted differently. i am always and continually amazed at the unending capabilities of human beings to diminish and destroy other humans with the view that they are helping them. i find especially ironic the tendency we have to blame others for the weaknesses we cannot control. we must lock away all attractive vaginas because they are too tempting to bear. preemptive. and ludicrous.

aug. 01, 2003

so i went to the express today in the san francisco mall to go buy a 20 dollar shirt that i saw yesterday. i used to be a terrible impulse buyer so i've taught myself to be less so. i think i impulse buy because i hate shopping and want to go back home so i take the first thing that i try on that looks decent (racks and racks of clothing to choose from and those damn fitting room lines - who can take it for more than an hour?!). so anyway, i go on a simple mission to spend 20 bucks, and leave with a brand new credit card and a bag o' goodies - a small bag mind you, but way more than just a t-shirt and 70 bucks over that 20 i originally meant to spend. *sigh*. and i'm normally so good at refusing those credit card deals at the counter...but i've been so frugal lately that 30% off sounded like a good deal and i think my defenses melted (i was hungry and tired and so desperately wanted to go home).

but enough of that crap (like you care), i went to the gynecologist yesterday and had an awful experience. i'm not a big fan of those visits, but you know, as a sexually active and adult woman you have to go get checked up every year. well, my check up didn't go so well this year and i had to have this procedure done - nothing major - done in the office, remove a chunk of cells and throw them away is all. well they shoot you up with a local anesthetic (in your cervix mind you, btw, put your forefinger and thumb together - did you know that the cervix was that small? (the veracity of this statement may vary depending on how long your fingers are) yeah, i didn't know either). anyway, so they give me a little injection, and i shit you not, i thought i was going to die - my legs started shaking, my heart started racing, my head was light, and my hands were tingling - i thought, if i don't die, i'm at least going to pass out, but i did neither and the doctor came over and calmed me down, and my heart slowed down, and i made it through that little trauma. and immediately asked for the intravenous relaxant they offered me in the beginning which i turned down cause i'm a big, brave girl, and figured i'd make it through just fine. but oh god, was that good - went right to my head and relaxed me and all i could think was hey, this is like being high, but better, let's do it again. needless to say, everything got much easier after that and i'm fine now.

course now, a nurse told me once, whatever they put up in you eventually has to come back out. they use this medicinal stuff on your cervix whenever they decide they need to rip chunks out of you that helps the healing process. it works great, but oh god, when that stuff starts coming out, it is the nastiest, scariest stuff. the first time a giant piece of chicken skin came out of my vagina i thought i was going to scream. i ran to my girlfriend's place (which was the closest place i knew of) to call the emergency hotline - what the hell was it? i'd never seen anything like it. turns out it's normal. and i get to look forward to more of it to come in the next few days. yummm...

jul. 02, 2003

july already. i woke up this morning at 6am completely unable to fall back asleep. i dreamt that i was working in an asian whore house (i think they're politely called "tea houses") as a high class hooker. i never got to leave the "palace", and palatial it definitely was. you should've seen the silky kimono like thing i was wearing. not an inch of skin showing except above my neckline. my house name was peach blossom.

i've been dreaming about writing and leaving the hell hole i've dug myself into. it's all right. i probably needed the experience to realize how much i missed what i originally intended to do. i finished the bronson book and he talks about his once a week, three hour long writing class with the other writers and how it was his lifeline and it gives me the chills - like he's talking about owning the most exotic car in the world - it means that much to me. i just forgot it did for a while. money and success talk a good talk and are as seductive as that cute little cameron diaz in the new charlie's angels (she was fine in the other one, too). but i promised myself i wouldn't touch another boob and i'm already salivating over entry level jobs - anything for a change.

jun. 27, 2003

where've i been? well, that's not interesting...i did laundry this morning - and a bad morning to do it because it's been so damn hot here. but i was out of underwear and what could i do? plus my jeans were filthy. i put on a shirt the other morning and got white deodorant stains on it so i had to change into a different one, but so i went to wash it today and sprayed some spray and wash on it to help get the deodorant out. you cannot imagine my horror when orange spots started to appear on one of my favorite shirts - i'd grabbed chlorox spray cleaner instead of the spray and wash!

this'll be brief since i haven't been on here in a while - you have to work up to these kinds of things. went and saw charlie's angels tonight with a good friend of mine. god i love those movies - those girls are so incredibly hot and kick some serious ass. they get some pretty good looking guys to act bit parts in it, too :) drew barrymore's character cracks me up, but cameron diaz is the hottest chick on the planet. demi moore was pretty damn hot, too, for her age (btw, i woke up the other day and realized, oh my god, i'm almost 40! well, not actually for another 10 years and 6 months, but i felt close to it). po bronson's new book, what should i do with my life? is changing my life. and it's a fun read, too :)

apr. 06, 2003

i had another lord of the rings type dream last night. i had to slay some evil guy with some special sword that had a name and was supposedly really powerful. but of course the evil guy had a powerful sword with a name, too. i was waiting in some room (maybe it was outside) next to a body of water (maybe a patio - made of bricks). there was another fella who was supposed to be the best warrior (next to me of course) who got killed in 2 seconds when the evil guy came in. it was left up to me to and i kept stabbing him with my sword and then i'd dip the sword in the lake (it didn't like to be dirty) and the blood and bits of flesh on it would sizzle - it was kind of creepy. and do you know how hard it is to push a sword through flesh? it's not as easy as they make it out to be in movies. i woke up and told the boy i was sleeping next to what i'd dreamt and he said, that's nice honey - it's good to kill bad guys.

apr. 05, 2003

i swear the guy sitting next to me on the bus yesterday was trying to put his grubby little paw on my thigh. the bus was a little crowded so i was standing in the back when someone asked me if i wanted to sit down - i hadn't even noticed the seat - it was the last available seat in the back of the bus in the last row. i said thank you cause i thought it was so polite of him, and squished in past the girl sitting in the middle of that last seat. and the guy next to me (the one who offered me the seat) had his legs all sprawled out and i was trying to sit with all my limbs held close against me so i wasn't rubbing up against him or to the girl to my right, but it was tight so my leg was smooshed up against his. and i didn't notice it right away (cause the bus is bumpy), but at one point i noticed his hand between our thighs - like he had his hand on the side of his thigh, but our legs were so close that it was pressed up against my thigh, too. so i shifted over a bit and tried to get my legs as far away as possible (impossible to do in such tight quarters), and he took his hand away. and during the course of the trip, he managed to get it wedged back in between us again. i don't know - it was rather cagey. he was rather cagey. i was relieved to get off the stinking bus.

i've been having the craziest dreams lately. one of my favorites recently was a lord of the rings dream. i was travelling with some elf fella on horseback (of course). at one point he turned to me and was talking and said, come lay down with me, which of course really means, come have sex with me. and i laughed and pointed to the earplugs in my ears and i said, your elven voice has no affect on me, but we ended up intimately involved later on anyway when we arrived at our destination. and after having had sex, he tells me i'm supposed to marry his son. well, it turns out he was aragorn (who i realize is not an elf in tlor, but was in my dreams). and i got married to his stinking son, realized i was pregnant by him (the father, not the son) and went on a self indulgent, rebellious rage buying up gaudy trinkets to fill the castle with and horrible, glittering dresses that made me look like a fairy (literally) (because i was heartbroken to have been left with the son when i really wanted the father). then i woke up horny as hell.

mar. 13, 2003

went out for drinks with a good friend. the 500 club is always such a blast. there was a guy there tonight begging the bartenders (there were two this evening) for a free birthday drink. he got kicked out. he came back and bugged them for some other shit. he got escorted out again. then the bar filled up with young college kids. and we bailed. we don't do young college kids anymore :) now it's 1am and i'm baking homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies cause i need a sweet fix. i haven't had a goddamn cigarette all day; i'm allowed to bake cookies in the middle of the night for my sweet tooth...

mar. 11, 2003

i've managed to somehow get infested with some industrial strength breed of nasty fleas. the little fuckers just won't die. the eucalyptus my friend recommended smelled nice and discouraged the fleas, but i found out it didn't actually kill them. so then i bought some spray and the sprayed the entire apartment a couple of times. then i threw away my dog haired covered futon matress (dog hair not mine) thinking maybe they were breeding in there. i have no other furniture or upholstery for the little monsters to live in. then as a last resort since son and sis were coming out, i flea bombed the place. that was a week and a half ago. the motherfuckers are still around. what do i have to do for god's sake?! i'm going nuts here! and i'm the only live thing left in the house for them to suck on...i hate it. and i'm so itchy.

btw, on the book front - finished princess bride, started miss lonelyhearts & the day of the locust by nathanael west and finished the first one (miss lonelyhearts - loved how the guy didn't have any other name the entire story) - and my god what a depressing tale just coming off of princess bride (which i started reading over again, then thought i should move on and picked up this cheery little book). there's some amazing stuff in there though - good, good writer.

mar. 09, 2003

hmmm...monday already...class in 8 hours. i hate 8am. i'd naturally and quite happily stay up til 4am every morning if i didn't have to be anywhere. school's crazy. school work's dragging me down - i spent hours today working on one proof, but goddamn when i got it done, boy did it feel good. then not so good when i realized i had a couple more to go :) spring break? not looking so free and exciting anymore. midterms, projects, labs all due the week after spring break - whatever happened to stressing you out BEFORE the break, so you could really relax? nope, spring break's just gonna be another week of school work - just minus the classes. i had more interesting things to say, but i did homework all day and my little brain is fried...hopefully some creative juices will start going again cause this shit is boring...

oh! started reading the princess bride yesterday. it's one of my favorite, favorite movies of all time, and my god, the book is hilarious - he's so goddamn funny! some of the lines in there are just priceless. quite a relief and a lot more fun than kafka's the trial.

mar. 05, 2003

i was telling the guy i'm seeing how excited i was about spring break which is coming up in a week and a half (luckily both of my schools have spring break during the same week) and he asked me why and i told him cause i was really excited about doing some programming and he said you're kidding, right? of course i'm not. i am really digging on my classes and i'm keeping up ok, but i'm really excited about some of the material and want to dig into it some more and play with it, but with all the work in all my classes i haven't really had any time to get really into anything. so i'm spending my spring break hermitted away - i won't have to bathe or get dressed or anything! i can code all day and night if i want to! woohoo!! i'm not a nerd, i'm just passionate.

oooh, tomorrow night i'm going to an opening for a show (sex in the city) that a friend of mine curated at the sf black and white gallery. the photo they've been using for the promotionals (the first one in the animated gif with the woman tied to the big X) is so incredibly beautiful. i can't wait to see the other photos by that artist. go see it, too.

mar. 04, 2003

wow. made it through a weekend with my sister and my son. saturday was a little rough what with the sis hating public transportation and the son hating to walk. we went and painted some plates at terra mia (which i forgot was obscenely expensive - over 70 bucks for three plates :) then i was all jazzed to take them to the sutro baths cause i thought my son might enjoy it, but they both wanted to go home and 'rest' before dinner. i'd set up a dinner with a bunch of my friends so they could all meet the sis and son, but the princess dropped out at the last minute (she'd been in a foul mood since friday night - loads on her mind i think). after dinner we went to an art opening where a friend of ours had some pieces (he blows glass) in the castro. my son was disappointed because he thought he'd get to see glass being blown and wasn't too thrilled with the show. after we left the gallery i told him i'd forgotten to tell him that the castro was the gay district and he tells me, yeah, i kind of figured that. how? all the guys together in the gallery (mostly a male clientele at the opening). does that make you uncomfortable? nope. good answer :)

feb. 24, 2003

i love getting back homework that says "NONSENSE!" on it - apparently there was some sort of flaw in one of my proofs. my discrete math professor grades hard. i don't think i've gotten higher than a D on any of my homework assignments. we had our first midterm tonight. i didn't study at all for it. there was a question on the midterm and i couldn't remember the definition of "cardinality" - and i thought, hmmm, probably should've at least skimmed my notes. but i've got a load - there's got to be one class during the semester that i can't care that much about it. this semester it's discrete math - i love it and i like my professor a lot, but it's my only class at state so it by default gets to be the ugly stepchild.

speaking of (not really - non sequitur here) my gym called me the other day. it was odd and unexpected. she was sort of sly - "so, how're you liking the gym?" (i upgraded my membership a couple of months ago) "ummm...i haven't been in a while" "yes, i see that the last time you were in was january 27th...you know, we're having a member appreciation day..." blah blah blah. she should've just come out and accused me of getting fat and lazy. "i see you haven't been to the gym in four weeks. your body mass index must be climbing..." and it most certainly is, but i rather be fat and brainheavy than a gym bunny - for now anyway :)

someone said something cute last night...something about people not being meant to live the safe, comfortable lives we do. that we were meant to live little adventures every day. i don't remember the exact wording, but i thought it was perfect. have you had your little adventure today? i have. getting out of class and finding the pouring rain - fat drops, wet instantly, loving the rain sounds, the physical impact, the puddles everywhere. wet cars, wet roads, reflections of every light on the ground, black sky. no, technically not a real adventure (though rain in california is pretty adventurous :), but i'm counting this one anyway. adventures make you smile and laugh unexpectedly. sometimes make your heart race, always set your brain on fire.

feb. 20, 2003

oh wow. i was such a lazy procrastinator (i don't know why i do this to myself) and worked my ass off yesterday and today to get some code written for my 5pm lab tonight. and assembly is not an easy language to try to debug when your head's a little fried. but i got it done - woohoo! there's such relief after something like that - maybe that's why i do it - for that high afterwards. but i've got a long week - two other projects and handfuls of homework assignments due this week plus a midterm - ahead of me so instead of celebrating, i'm going to go right back to work tonight. reading and catching up and maybe if i'm lucky, i'll get to code a bit, too :)

i was riding home on the bus tonight staring down into the streets and got all emotional about the city. sometimes it just comes on like a gush of warmth and i'm flooded with this intensely good feeling about the city. i love it here - i know i say it a lot, but i do. even the rank smells down by 7th and market. it's the city. the street noise, the lights, the smells, the bums. yes, even the bums, i love it here. it was a beautiful night tonight (and probably a beautiful day, too, but what would i know sheltered away in my curtained bedroom in front of my desktop all day?) i know i won't stay here forever because there are too many other places i want to go, but i love it here now.

btw, blue velvet is playing at the castro theater tomorrow til next wednesday. you've never seen it? for shame...go watch it on the big screen if you can :)

feb. 18, 2003

gosh, i get so goofy sometimes - thinking way too much about stuff. i had a good day today - nothing really noteworthy about it, but i felt sane and normal again like i haven't felt in a while (probably because i've been sick and obssessing over everything). i liked my classes, i liked TAing, i had a really good lunch (with rice pudding :), i got a paycheck (an itty bitty paycheck, but a paycheck nonetheless).

what is it about the rest of my life that drives me crazy? i feel like i should know. but i've decided (i come to this conclusion often, but seem to keep forgetting it) that i don't have to decide about the rest of my life - i just have to decide on next. what i'm going to do next in my life, not what i'm going to do with the rest of my life. and who do i like spending time with now, not who i'm going to spend the rest of my life with. it's so simple. probably why it's so easy to forget. it's like misplacing your keys. you always knew where they were; you just had to make a little effort to remember.

ooh, past four in the morning and my tea kettle was screaming its head off for god only knows how long while i was in the bathtub unable to hear anything over the screaming of the hot water filling my tub for my nightly ritualistic bath (forgot the eucalyptus oil - have i mentioned i've been bathing in eucalyptus oil every night in the hopes of keeping the fleas off me?). i had to trudge out of my nice, warm space into cold kitchen space to turn it off, leaving behind giants pools of water on the hardwood floors...

and i realized tonight as i was doing dishes that i invited 6 people over for dinner this weekend for a friend's birthday, but not only will it be a squeeze to get them all in here, but i only have plates for four. paperware seem kind of tacky, but it's probably tackier to uninvite guests :)

feb. 16, 2003

mmm...sunday. another missed week at church. that makes an even month. and i think i owe god 15 bucks. actually, i don't know if that's owed to god - a month ago i left a target store without being charged for a 15 dollar item and i've only recently remembered my anguish over it. i told myself i'd give that 15 bucks to the homeless, but haven't been very good about that.

had a nice valentine's evening, a slow saturday of homework then pizza and beers (walking a block in the pouring rain) - made off with about two cartons of cigarettes from the camel rep at the bar between the four of us - they all went to the one of us who's still a regular smoker (not me, btw). the peace rally today was nice - gathered quite a group of us together and saw some hilarious signs. i always get such a charge from the energy at massive marches like that. am feeling a little mellow and very pensive...thinking over my life (what's new). i think i've made a decision, but i'll sit on it for the next three months and see how i feel then - would hate to do anything rash - i, of course, never do rash things :)

feb. 13, 2003

i had an almost normal day today! i got up at 8:20 this morning, had the energy to find and put on a bra, and put on real clothes - yesterday i just exchanged my sweat pants for a pair of jeans and went to school, braless, in what i'd slept in the night before with a jacket over it, and a hat so i wouldn't have to comb my hair. today, i brushed my hair and even went so far as to put on some makeup. i also finally had a meal this evening that did not include soup - slowly easing my way back into real food. next tuesday, i'm so going with my sys admins and having indian food - i want rice pudding goddamnit!

so i've been getting random emails from people i haven't talked to in a long time. i mean long time - as in years in some cases. in another case someone lost my email in a horrible and incendiary mailbox crash (i threw in the incendiary bit). it's always weird, yet nice of course, to hear from people you haven't heard from in a long time - always makes you wonder though, what made them do it. what new piece of information, or remembered old piece of information, about you triggered their desire to contact you? hmmm....

in other news...did i mention i got my sys admin to give me his nun (just a plastic nun - yeah i go to a jesuit school, but we don't all get a personal nun - they don't even let the nuns run around on campus - i've only seen one priest and a handful of nuns since i've been there...anyway, back to the nun...) to give to my friend - i have a thing about giving her religious icons as gifts - but just catholic ones, and usually just women in long robes - and this little nun (a plastic finger puppet nun) is just the damnedest thing - sits right here by my keyboard gazing down at her hymn book looking cute as a button, but she's got a little red O of a mouth that looks like it's made for blowjobs more than praying (but don't tell god i said that). speaking of god, i haven't been to church in three weeks. (don't tell god i said that either)...hell and damnation await...oh hell, i guess they await whether i go to church or not :)

feb. 12, 2003

i managed to stay awake most of today...went to both of my classes, turned in homework. and my ex is picking me up tomorrow and we're getting married and moving out of the country...no, i don't know - best not to make any decisions when my head's in a fog...

feb. 11, 2003

i think i've been awake for about three, maybe four hours of today. and i'm still dreaming of junk food...

feb. 10, 2003

i feel like shit. my chest hurts, my head hurts, my nose is raw. i can't remember the last time i was this sick. i can barely stay awake for more than an hour or two at a time. it sucks. i woke up from one of my naps today dreaming of hamburger and fries. oh that sounds so yummy...and rice pudding and chocolate. but alas, i'm on a strict soup, oranges, bread and hot water diet. i might be able to stomach that other stuff, but that would mean i'd have to leave the house again. i could probably also use some sort of medication, but again that requires leaving the house. not going out of the house unlessly absolutely necessary. i don't know how the hell i got to orange county and back this weekend on an airplane. bet i got all those poor suckers on the plane sick, too. oh well.

so enough bitching about my horrible, horrible illness. i finished _even cow girls get the blues_ on saturday and had this epiphany (what my friend is now calling a tom robbins epiphany - must happen often). about all sorts of things. i honestly don't remember the last time (if there ever was one) that i read a book that made me re-examine my life. oh, i've read lots of books that've made me think, lots of books that have gotten stuck in my head, but i can't remember one that made me want to change my life. it was nothing short of amazing. and really cool.

so, what was this epiphany about you ask? well, i've decided my ex and i are never getting back together (and that neither one of us ever really wanted to). eight years of my life this man has been the love of my life and i finally get to let it go. i think today is our anniversary, too. funny, i haven't remembered this date in three years and now all of a sudden it comes to me. eight years ago today we had our first date. and now i'm free; my heart is free. it's sad, too, and i'm sure it'll hit me later after the sick fog lifts from my head, but for now it's exciting. i'm also leaving school after this semester, moving out of the country, and becoming a buddist. not necessarily in that order. and not necessarily exactly - just something like it. perhaps i'll expand some time when i'm feeling better. my body's achy as fuck, but my heart is light. i guess not a bad trade off in the end. though i suspect i'll have to trade in endless tears for good health pretty soon here...

feb. 07, 2003

i'm playing hooky from school today cause i'm feeling sick (i've only got one class today anyway). so yesterday i had my first quiz in a class that i was really excited about (the class, not the quiz). i kept hearing how hard this professor was and i like challenges and most of my classes last semester were not and the topic interests me so i was really excited about taking his class. though lately i'm beginning to wonder about it. right after collecting the quizzes, he corrected them on the board. two questions. the first one he struggled and struggled to convert 1cm squared into mm (the other day in class he had to whip out a calculator to figure out 100/75 - a student in class told him it was 4/3, but he had to verify it himself). then he did the second one completely wrong - a student had to go up and explain to him why it was wrong and he redid it for us in class. isn't that bizarre?

and the graduate class i'm taking this semester - the class i was most excited about after assembly last semester - is my slowest moving class. the professor is a sweet, older guy (he's been there for 35 years i think) and he's got this soft, soothing voice and it just puts me right to sleep. not that it matters anyway cause we haven't covered much material - a small portion of it's really interesting, but most of it is slow and dull and stuff i already know. he just gave us our first project - and he's also already given us most of the code for the first project in one of his examples.

the most challenging professors i've had for this semester and last have been my math professors at sf state. makes me wonder why i'm wasting money at a private university. ah well, just a little bit longer and i can go someplace else.

feb. 06, 2003

i was at the 500 club last night (17th & guerrero). it's a very cool dive bar. there's a few in that area that look like dive bars, but aren't - upscale dive bars cashing in on the dive appeal, but this one's good. some brouhaha went on and occupied our attention for half the night - some drunk guy was upsetting a lot of people by nonchalantly rubbing up against girls and trying to talk to people who didn't want to talk to him. he and his friend both ended up getting kicked out. not to mention almost getting their asses beat by a gang of harley riding, leather vest wearing motherfuckers. it was funny, yet sad. the friend who wasn't causing a fuss took photos (i gave him my email address and told him to send me one of the fat cop if he had any - couldn't resist myself :)

i went to the gynecologist yesterday, too. i've been going to the same place for three years and yet every time i go i have to see a new doctor - the turn over rate there is incredible. if the staff wasn't so damn nice and the doctors weren't so damn nice, i'd probably find someplace else to go. but i had to see a male doctor this time - i haven't seen a male gynecologist since i left college. he was nice enough, but i rather have a woman probing me down there if i can. i have a yeast infection. he told me he'd give me a pill this time. he said the yeast might be colonizing in my intestines cause i just had one 2-3 months ago, too. i cannot tell you what a funny and disgusting picture it brought to my mind. i can't wait to get rid of them.

oh! i've been reading even cowgirls get the blues. first tom robbins book i've read (he's been on my list forever) and damn is it good. sissy's thumbs are the sexiest things (you know how fascinated i am with my fat thumb) and i wish my thumbs were as big as hers. i keep imagining what masturbation might be like with thumbs her size. and cowgirls. cowgirls are the sexiest things on the planet. i always wanted to be a cowgirl. i mean a cowgirl for real. riding all day out on horseback in the pasture, animals all around me, land that never ends, fields of food and produce, a barn full of hay (and all those tools!). it's one of my wet dreams. robbins has this way of making everything seem so sexy and fun without ever being really sexually explicit - that scene with sissy and jelly - almost made me cream my pants. as a matter of fact - i gotta go lay in bed for a little while now before i go to dinner...

feb. 05, 2003

damn, i had so much fun tonight and have so much to say, but i've got an early class tomorrow (and my first quiz of the semester :) and need to go to bed. but i saw the biggest cop i've ever seen in my life tonight. and he was so damn good looking, too. i love good looking guys that are big. his chest was like a fucking barrel. my ex asked me, was he fat, or just big? well, he was both. my girl friend said to me (when i wouldn't shut up about the cop), yup, there's something special about you which my ex told me was how people described retarded people, too :)

feb. 04, 2003

someone told me the other day that he thought i put myself down on this site a little bit. i don't think i do, but i ought to clear the air. you should already know this, but i'm incredibly beautiful. i'm one of the smartest people you'll ever meet, but i don't have to yak your ear off to prove it. i've got gorgeous hair, a hot little bod with baby soft skin, and the sweetest smile you've ever seen. i've got a heart the size of canada and nothing but love to fill it with. i'm sexy, i'm sweet, i'll knock your fucking socks off. i can be anyone i want to be, do anything i set my mind to, and i can win anyone over when i want to.

but i can also be coarse and vulgar. i swear like a sailor and probably fuck like one, too. i like to be tied up and tie you up, too. i go to church on sundays but don't believe in god. i can't make up my mind about what i want to do. i eat junk food. i write, read, watch porn, and think perverse thoughts. i sell sex because i can and i like it (but not my ass so don't even ask). i like to write code for days on end, i take naked pictures of myself, i masturbate like a fiend. and even worse, i'm not ashamed of any of it. oh, and did i mention i can be sarcastic as fuck, too?

so having said that, on with the rest of the day. there isn't much to say except that i went to lunch with the sys admins i work with at school and we went to ocean beach afterwards (it was such a beautiful day earlier today - how the fuck did it get so cold and windy?) we were looking down on the beach from the street by where we'd parked when one of them asked, are those seals?. i laughed whenever i thought about it for the rest of the day - they were surfers out in the water, waiting for waves.

feb. 03, 2003

ooh, a good looking foreign guy called me beautiful today when i was on my way to school. i love that. my apartment smells like eucalyptus, but i still have some fleas. a friend of mine told me it'd get rid of them. it actually did a great job - i haven't noticed fleas in two days, but i found a measly, dying one tonight and i'm starting to itch again so i sprayed more eucalyptus mist all over the place.

i saw my girlfriend on sunday - the one that just got back from australia :) and wow, she looked hot. i swear my girlfriends are getting hotter and hotter. or maybe i'm becoming more gay. anyway, it was cool catching up with her - i can vent to her about certain people and things and she totally gets it. i swear i had more to tell you - something funny and interesting, but i can't seem to be able to recall it...

oh! the other night i was lying in bed with the guy i'm dating and he turned to me and said, would you pee on me?. he was totally kidding, but it cracked me up to no end. he had told me this story about a friend of his who was a lesbian and dating another woman back east (where he's from), and they were lying in bed one night and the woman turned to his friend and out of the blue asked, would you pee on me?. his friend ignored the request. this story came up the other night when we were having dinner at another one of our friend's houses and he asked me (out of the blue), are you into scat?. which made me heartily laugh and respond with a firm, no, i'm not into scat, but i don't judge you for it if you are - hey, we've all got our quirks :)

feb. 02, 2003

i cleaned out my fridge and threw away about 10 pounds of rotten food. there was something in there from thanksgiving that had hot pink mold on it. i now have more batteries in my refrigerator than i have food.

speaking of food...i was at a birthday party last night with some friends. you know you're an adult when the party food is incredible and all home made. bruschetta, tortillas with sausage and chicken, home made guac, cookies, and brownies, grapes, goat cheese quesadillas. they're awesome cooks. most of my friends cook for me and are awesome cooks. i can cook, but i still think frozen mac and cheese with hamburger meat is a yummy dish. or tuna topped with crushed potato chips - don't see either of those at too many dinner parties. cocktail weenies? haven't seen one of those in ages. sometimes i think there's some white trash blood in me somewhere...

feb. 01, 2003

ok, so i'm sort of obsessed with fat guys. it's funny how people react to that. it's ok for a guy to be into big tits, but you tell someone you like big bellies and they think you're kidding and don't believe you, or if they do believe you, think it's really fucking weird. i don't know what it is about fat guys - maybe it's because they're so much bigger than me. i like the idea of their body weight on top of mine. i'm dating a guy who's a little overweight, but not as big as most of the guys i'm attracted to, and i love having him lay on top of me. i think he's scared he's going to crush me, but i'm not - it gets me hot.

my favorite, favorite guy is a friend of my ex's which makes him off limits to me. he's so incredibly intelligent, good looking, and shy. i have a picture of him on my desktop. a friend of mine came over one day and saw it and said, my, you really are into the chubby guys as though seeing that image validated and verified the truth of my repeated insistence that i'm into heavy guys. i have a checker at cala foods that i absolutely love. he makes my day every time i see him - big, bright blue eyes behind wire rim glasses, sweet smile, and a large belly. *sigh*.

i finished that best fetish erotica book. it was awesome - i highly recommend it. my two favorite stories (though, really, they were all my favorite stories) were the machine and santa claus ones. the first one was about machine/robot fetish, and the second one was (obviously) about a woman with a santa claus fetish and she talked about his big round belly and his velvet suit and i just melted.

the only thing with fat guys is that most of them have self confidence issues. i don't deal really well with guys with self confidence issues. it's a lack of patience and maybe a little lack of understanding on my part. i always think you're cool, you're smart, you're awesome and attractive - i'm dating you, aren't i? get over your goddamn low self esteem. though i realize it's not as easy as all that - it's easier to think poorly of yourself and be impressed when you do better than you think you would than to think highly of yourself and fail. so anyway, lack of self esteem issues usually reduce me to admiring fat guys from afar. oh, i find other guys attractive and usually date guys that are not heavy (unfortunately), but boy can a fat guy make me all warm inside :)

jan. 31, 2003

the other day i told someone at school that he was a weirdo and he replied, look who's talking. i thought it was pretty fucking funny. and true. am i really a weirdo though? doesn't that have a negative connotation? i think i'm just a pervert. in both the sexual and general sense. but i guess that gets classified and lumped together with weirdo. i would never call someone that if it wasn't affectionate.

i was missing school and now that it's started, i'm already bored. bored, but have a ton of homework. i'm never satisfied. i've been thinking a lot about how sex is the only thing that keeps my interest all the time. i don't mean having sex though that's good, too, and can usually keep my interest, i mean the topic of sex. writing about it - both nonfiction and fiction. where do i get a job doing that? i need it. i love learning, but what am i going to do when i'm done with school? i don't even know. and how long with that last before i'm bored again? sometimes i think i should just settle down and not expect such great things out of life. but then i might as well be dead. i'll figure it out some time, but not tonight.

jan. 28, 2003

ugh, i spent 12 hours at school today and i'm totally spent. but i got both the jobs i wanted for the semester - sys admin slave and TA. i think i'll make about 140 bucks for 20 hours a week. if i'm lucky since minimum wage is actually less than 7 bucks an hour. but, of course, i'm not doing it for the money (if i was, i'd get a job that paid a half decent wage :) i was sitting through the class i'm TAing for tonight and my professor went off on a tangent about batiks and how he bought a bunch of beautiful sarongs from malaysia and used to teach at berkeley in one. it made me smile cause i can so picture him in a sarong - i bet he looks great in one :)

jan. 21, 2003

i got home today after working out around 7:30/8 and there were two bums settled in at my front door. i mean completely settled in for the evening - two or three blankets sprawled across, a shopping cart full of shit on the sidewalk next to them. i very politely said excuse me, and they apologized but didn't move. i tried to climb over them, but being short i had a difficult time and finally had to ask one of them to please move his leg. i've seen guys passed out on my front door a lot so i'm used to finding sleeping guys on the doorstep, but never that early, and i've definitely never seen two bums cuddled up together there.

they were gone though when i left the house at 10pm to get a bottle of wine - i've gotten fond of having a glass of wine or two in the evening. got all excited at work today cause i got to learn something new. and am digging on the guys i work with and feeling more social at school. classes start next monday. i can't wait. i'm bored to death at home...ooohhh...ten more days and my girlfriend who's in australia comes home!!! i miss her like mad :)

oh, almost forgot! my first full day of not smoking in a while. though i was looking at some nude photography at scarletletters.com and dying, craving, madly wanting a cigarette. i wonder if it's the sex connection that makes me want to smoke?

jan. 20, 2003

safely and comfortably back home. no place like it. roadkill count this trip: 3 possums, 1 dog, 1 coyote (possibly another dog), and 1 chicken - bet you've never seen a dead chicken on the side of the road before, have you? i sure as hell never have. the 3 possums were squished, the dog and coyote were not squished - the first dog was the most disturbing - resting on the shoulder with his head on the asphalt curb like it was a pillow and he was just napping - the chicken was half squished, half whole - tail feathers fluttering in the breeze.

other good things about this trip: the fog - driving on the 5 and looking down into a valley of fog curled up like a fetus - that was beautiful. the dry hills, the baby cows and horses, and a whole field of fluffy sheep and the drive was almost worth it. (i still hate LA though).

jan. 18, 2003

i hate the 5. i hate the 5. i fucking hate the 5 freeway. it's ok til you hit LA. actually, i don't really hate the 5, i fucking hate LA. i made great time getting down here tonight, til i hit LA and it took me well over an hour to go 20 miles. 20 miles. it's my sister's birthday, but the night hasn't gone very well. i'm sort of here comforting her. we were supposed to go to dinner (five hours ago), but i think she's drunk and passed out on the couch now.

jan. 15, 2003

ooh, my bondage site's starting to come up in searches. and it's listed in the google directory (excuse me, the dmoz open directory). someone said to me recently that all my domain names sound like porn sites. i guess most of them sort of are :) not porn, but sex related. i have these dilineations in web sites: the clean ones, the not so clean ones, and then the dirty ones. the clean ones are listed on my resume, electrasweb is a not so clean one and never gets listed on a resume, but anyone that really knows me knows about this site, then there are those that i don't really tell anyone about except for a handful of my perverted kinky friends, but then i don't tell most of those people about my non perverted sites. if you know about all my web sites, then you probably know too much about me :)

jan. 14, 2003

my ex called me late last night and woke me up. said he'd just read my site and what book was i talking about? i talked to him tonight and i guess he's been telling his friends/our friends. one of them asked, "why's ___ naked in a book?" and my ex's reply was "cause she's ___." (substitute my name for the blanks) seems like the perfect answer to me :)

i've had this idea for a long time about wanting to write dirty stories for people. and to get paid doing it. it started with wanting to have people pay me to come to their hotels to read them dirty stories (kind of like a hooker without the actual sex - and that wasn't even my idea - i read that as a short story), but i couldn't really get into that - going over to strangers' hotels. i guess i'm just dying to get into the sex business, but i don't want to be a hooker, or a pro domme (though i've thought about that for a long time), or anything else that involves meeting/touching/fucking strange men. this seems like the perfect way - i can write decently enough. and i have a sick imagination. nothing sexual scares me. i'm perfect for it. and i already have a great domain name for it...look for it...coming soon...that and my new career as a smut writer :)

jan. 13, 2003

so i finished the two towers today and picked up best fetish erotica and haven't been able to put it down. i was at modern times looking for a book with naked pictures of me in it and i saw the erotica book and had to pick it up - it's edited by the editor at my part time job and i wanted to read her fiction - well, hell, i would've read it anyway. i'm on the smoking fetish story...just got back from one ;)

a homeless guy bummed a cigarette from me the other day at 16th street bart on my way home from my friend's house (i love having her live so close to me now - i can just hop over there and back) and he told me he loved my haircut. another bum just a couple days before who i'd smiled at and said hello to, had raved about my hair til i was out of earshot - walking down the sidewalk early in the morning, slight breeze blowing my freshly washed hair back behind me - hell, i guess i could see why it'd get him all hot. (really, my head's not so big in real life as it seems sometimes here) there's something about homeless guys digging on your hair that seems sort of odd. and really cool.

i had the best cup of coffee this morning. i got to start doing some work at school (more like troubleshooting, but i like that kind of shit). a cute guy with blonde dreadlocks said hello to me today in front of a hardware store - i was walking home from school - i love doing that. i picked up some new books. i saw naked pictures of myself. i've had a good day :)

jan. 12, 2003

turns out everything's going to be all right. i don't have to kick myself in the ass. and i'm relieved as all hell...

jan. 11, 2003

well that was certainly one of the most depressing talks i've had in a long time. i'd really like to kick myself in the ass. mostly for starting something i never should have and then for being a little stupid and reckless.

jan. 10, 2003

why do people tell you they want to have a talk with you? is it some kind of mind fuck? why don't they just wait til you're with them and then talk to you? why do they have to announce it and let you worry about what "the talk" is going to be about? they must realize you won't stop thinking about it til the talk happens. christ, and i had all sorts of shit to do tomorrow - how am i supposed to concentrate on anything? i'm sure a drunken, debaucherous wherehouse party will help me forget til tomorrow...

work's going more smoothly - the days don't seem quite as endless as they first did. i got a rash on my ass from wearing g-strings (emergency underwear) so i finally did laundry yesterday. course, i'm still wearing the clothes i've been wearing for three whole days now - but i bathed tonight so i'm sort of clean. hmmm...probably shouldn't make mention of those things in public...too late. i've been dreaming of robots. robot cartoons. robot bondage. at school the other day, someone mentioned kitty bondage porn. sounded so cute. see?! i can't fucking concentrate...if you're going to announce a talk, you should at least mention if it's a good one or a bad one...

jan. 07, 2003

i hung out with a bunch of pro dommes tonight at a pro domme web meeting. my friend's been trying to get me to go for a while - i've wanted to go, but never got around to it. oh, but it was great. i love hearing their stories. i was talking to my girlfriend (pro domme - for those of you not in the know (another friend of mine asked me tonight what exactly that meant) is short for professional dominatrix (duh :). i'm not a pro domme, by the way, but hang out with them - they make excellent company.

anyway, my girlfriend and i were swapping guy stories and she cracks me up - she's telling me i'm doing all this hot shit - this woman who always tells me these stories about her adventures that never cease to amaze me - thinks i'm doing hot shit. trust me, the shit i'm doing is not nearly as interesting as the shit she's been doing - i'd love to give you gory details, but i'll leave that to your imaginations.

so i got to hear all about how different dommes handle initial communications with clients and how they set up appointments - how late is last minute and should you take last minute appointments? how much respect is enough and when is it definitely not enough? how do you promote your web site? where the best advertising is, etc, etc... the woman hosting had a client call in for a phone session off the cuff, and we all got to hear him on speakerphone - not very clearly though cause he had a big, black dildo in his mouth as he was talking to us (he removed the dildo at one point and described it to us). 3 bucks a minute - she put the phone by the door so all he could hear was the buzz of our voices and he sat there for at least an hour, paying his tribute. it was trippy. and cool.

so this thing with my room is taking forever. i spent an endless number of hours at ikea with a friend - i wouldn't have been there so long - i fucking hate ikea, but i gotta get cheap furniture somewhere, right? i had an exact list of the items i wanted. but she wanted to browse. it was cool - i always love hanging out with her, but my god we spent an enormous amount of time there - i can't remember the last time i spent that much contiguous time in one retail shop. my room is a sty. somewhere under that pile of shit is my bed - every night i clean it off to go to bed, every day, i pile more and more crap on it. it makes bedtime an enormous chore (that's why i'm sitting here putting it off). i've got bookcases coming out my ass until i get rid of the old ones - i love bookshelves, but even i can only have so many.

tomorrow having breakfast with the fetish guy (i've started nicknaming all my male friends). working at school. movie and night with friend. then early, early ass day at work (the job that actually pays), and a motorcycle ride back home over the bridge - woohoo - haven't been on a bike in a while - even if it is only the back of the bike...

jan. 06, 2003

i think i have too much free time on my hands. i was all excited about winter break - had all these little projects lined up, stuff i was going to work on, books to read, code to write - but i haven't done a thing yet. today i ripped apart my entire apartment (i've been filling up my time with meaningless tasks) - it took me half an hour to clean off the bed so i could see it again for when i go to bed tonight. i've been very social and going out a lot, but i think all this free time kills my motivation. i don't think i can really work without some sort of stress. but i keep telling myself i'm allowed to veg for a while. i have a hard semester coming up, right? so a couple more weeks of this nothingness and my mind will be complete mush. then i'll go back to school and wake it up again. i'm going to start working at school in a couple of days - maybe it'll provide some stimulus for my sleeping brain...

jan. 02, 2003

gosh, i felt like a normal person today. worked all day, went to the gym, walked around a little bit in the city, then came home. boy did that 8 hours seem enternal though. i'm doing some part time work at this place i worked at before i started school - couple days a week for the next couple of weeks before school starts back up - but i haven't had to sit for 8 hours straight doing anything. i've spent more than 8 hours straight going to classes and doing homework, but i don't have to - if i want to get up for half an hour and take a break with a book, or skip a class, i can do that. not when you're working though. apparently, they want to squeeze every bit of productivity out of you for those hours they're paying you for :)

it was awesome catching up with everyone though and being with them all day again. i miss the social aspect of working a regular job :) and i haven't been to the gym in, oh, 5 or 6 weeks. finals and the holidays backed me up for a bit :) it felt good to work out. i missed it, but i think my body's been glad for the break.

i had someone email me today to apologize for something from almost two years ago. it was a little eerie and unexpected. it brought back warm memories though. i know he was afraid he'd dredge up ill will, but i had none - i'd long let it go. it was nice once i got past the disbelief. and it was nice to know that somehow i'd touched his life and he remembered me.

jan. 01, 2003

had an awesome new year's eve. did the mellow thing with close friends - made dinner together, then had champagne and watched the fireworks from her roof - she's got an awesome view of the city from her roof. got a midnight kiss from someone i've been thinking about kissing for a long time. got warm and fuzzy off alcohol and good company and spent the night cuddled up with a sweetheart. in the morning, we had a traditional swedish new year's breakfast (lentil soup and herring), then chorrizo and eggs (this is the mission after all :).

and now, a new year. i love new years - they feel good. i guess i also look forward to change and new year's always brings with it the possiblity of change. and growth.

my last ex-boyfriend just sent out one of his updates - he sends out a long, detailed email about his life a couple times a year to his friends and family. i guess i'd thought it'd been longer, but it's only been four months since he and i broke up. and my life's been so different in that time away from him. for the first time in the three and a half years since me and my all important ex of four and a half years broke up, i'm completely comfortable with my life and don't miss him or need him. i've gotten through my post relationship bouts of really intense loneliness after my most recent relationship and i'm still feeling sane and still comfortable being alone. i've spent most of the last eight years of my life in one relationship or another and i'm finally free and finally really enjoying that freedom the way i thought i would when i first decided to let that ex go.

that ex just recently called me and told me he'd decided to get married and have kids - it's something that's important to him. he said he'd like to do those things with me, but i'm not ready. he says i'll never be ready - whether it's four months or ten years, i'll never be ready, but that i need to decide what it is i really want in a partner and if it's him, great, if not, i need to stop looking for him in other men. my friends think it's crazy for me to even entertain the thought of getting married to someone i haven't dated in over three years, but sometimes i'm not rational when thinking about him. my girlfriend says it's logical given what the relationship used to be, but it's not rational or sane :) i'm still thinking about it...

2002 journal | 2001 journal | 2000 journal
1998 journal | 6/96-5/97 work journal | 7/96-5/97 school journal

books i'm currently reading:
7.31.99 - i'm an avid reader. i think what people read says a lot about them. these are the books i'm reading right now or have recently finished. the links take you to amazon.com.

the princess bride by william goldman


books i've recently finished:

  • the trial by franz kafka 03/03
  • pattern recognition by william gibson 02/03
  • even cowgirls get the blues by tom robbins 02/03
  • best fetish erotica edited by cara bruce 01/03
  • the wasp factory 01/03
  • the return of the king by j.r.r tolkien 01/03
  • the two towers by j.r.r tolkien 01/03
  • zodiac by neal stephenson 12/02
  • seventeen and j by kenzaburo oe ( 12/02/02)