december 1, 1998

my family is so weird. for thanksgiving last week we were supposed to go to our grandmother's house. my mom called her mom and asked her what she was doing. grandma said nothing, so we were going to cook and go up to grandma's. she only lives about 30 miles away, but the traffic going up there was so bad. it was bumper to bumper and i was dying. i was hot, the sun was beating down on us, there was some guy ribbing me about my USC sticker on my car (they'd just lost to UCLA the weekend before), and i was starving. i wanted to get out of the car, maybe see some of my family, and definitely wanted to eat. i'd gotten up at 3:30 in the morning to cook the turkey cause i wanted to get to grandma's early because i thought i might try to see my boyfriend's family, too. i lovingly bathed and massaged the turkey the night before, rubbing butter everywhere - between his wings, around his thighs and all over his general roundness. then i got up early to put him in the oven and got up every hour to baste him. in the morning i made mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and the gravy once the turkey was done. i did everything. and we get to grandma's and she's not there, there's no note, no phone call from her, nothing. i guess my dad had been trying to get my mom to call grandma all morning and she wouldn't for some reason or another. one of my grandma's neighbors was there waiting for her, too, and said she's just recently called and grandma had been there, but now was gone. we just barely missed her. we called around to a few different relatives to see what was going on and no one knew anything for certain. the neighbor lady took pity on us and we ended up eating dinner her house - we'd never met her before and she takes us over to her house and feeds us which was really nice of her. unfortunately, we didn't get to eat the food that i'd prepared til much later that night. my sister and i took off, and my parents decided to wait for grandma to come home (thinking that since she knew we were coming she'd be home pretty soon) - she's got a garage that's been converted into a living area that was left open for them to wait in. my poor parents - waited a couple hours and she never showed up. well, that was my lovely thanksgiving. i guess at least we got to eat together. hey, and i have my health.

november 1, 1998

oh look, all the christmas crap is up already in the retail stores. well that must mean that halloween is over and the holidays have truly arrived. i don't know what the rest of you kiddies were doing last night, but i was at the halloween masquerade ball put on by esp - the fetish ball people and it was great. if you've ever been to the fetish ball in the variety arts center in l.a., then you're familiar with the layout and what goes on. if not, it's about 5 or 6 floors of sweaty, mostly naked people. most of the floors are pretty small, there are a couple - like the techno dancefloor, which are relatively large and accomodate quite a few people. there are bars on several of the floors. on the third floor was aryn and company's fetish loft - demonstrations of bondage and domination and sado masochism. very nice. london after midnight played in the theater downstairs. i thoroughly enjoyed myself. i always love going to these events to see and to be seen and admired. if you live in the area, you should really check out one of these events. go to the fetish ball web site and check out their photo gallery - it's very impressive.

october 19, 1998

i've become quite the xena fan if you can believe it. at first i watched it once in a while and thought it was stupid. then i made more of an effort to watch it on a regular basis and i started to get into it more and even started to like it. now, i'm totally hooked. how can you not be? you have to watch the show just to see the clothes the characters are wearing. you've never seen more dead animal skin anywhere. and large bosoms galore. the outfit xena wears is pretty nice, but some of the more minor characters wear fantastic things - the amount of detail on some of these outfits is amazing. i mean minor things - small leather pieces tied by leather string, the way a leather arm band laces or the layering that they do with leather, and metal, and more leather, it's so beautiful. i can't even do it justice with this retarded explanation, but if you watch closely and believe me i do, you'll notice, too. when i'm really lucky, someone on the show will be wearing chainmail. i'd love to be on the set sometime just to hang out with the clothes. i'd love to just hug all those leather outfits close to my body. ooh, it gives me the shivers just thinking about it.

august 12, 1998

i finally got my new machine all put together and working. i cannot tell you how many times i've had to go back to fry's and exchange components. i built this machine from scratch and i'm damn proud of it. we're one step closer to getting the new domain up and running. i am so psyched. i got a couple good emails today from people who really liked the site and that's always nice. i love that. unfortunately, i get mostly junk mail in my inbox, but when i switch email addresses, that'll stop (at least for a while). anyway, i'll let you know when i'll get my server running. for the time being, i'm just happy i got my machine to work!!

july 8, 1998

oh my. it's been a long time since i've updated. sorry. i see i'm almost up to 2 million visitors. that's nice. well, i've finally got a full-time job. been out of school for just over a year now, and i'm getting settled into being a grown up. i'm moving in a week into a place all my own - i'm so excited. one of the first things i'm going to do is get a dog. i've always, always wanted a dog, and now i don't have anyone to tell me i can't have one!!

may 2, 1998

have you ever seen that seinfeld where george takes a book into the bathroom at the bookstore and then he has to buy it? then he can't get rid of it to save his life cause it's been "flagged". it's hilarious. well, the other day one of the managers at the bookstore where i work went into the men's room, you know, just to use it or whatever, and saw a book on the floor. and it was a sex book (one of our busiest sections in the book store - we can never keep that section alphabetical, and we're always finding the sex books all over the store hidden in random places), lying open on the floor. he walks over to pick it up and put it back and someone's cum all over it - someone's used the book right in our public bathroom! it was hilarious. the manager ended up having to throw the book away. now what i want to know is who would do such a thing? was it some guy who came in and was overcome by what he saw in the book and just had to relieve himself right away, or was it someone who came in and just wanted to fuck with the bookstore? and i wonder how often that happens in a book store. i've been there since september and that's the first i've heard of something like that. course, we did also have that incident where someone (again, in the men's room - women are so tame in the bathroom) smeared shit all over the walls. i feel sorry for the poor bastard that had to clean that up.

april 29, 1998

i watched beverly hills 90210 tonight. don't get me wrong, i never watch the show, except i kept seeing commercials for it during the simpsons and it was going to be about pornography and sex shops so i tuned in because i've been thinking a lot about pornography lately and been talking to people about it, etc... so i watched and i'm amazed that the show is still on. why, oh why, do people watch that junk? the simplistic reduction of real problems to a compact, fix-it-in-an-hour-formula is so unrealistic. they had this girl on there that cut herself. kelly was explaining to donna about "cutters" which may or may not be the real, technical term for those kind of people, but here donna is explaining to kelly about this girl who's got these cuts on her arm and kelly goes i've heard of those cutters, and donna stares dumbfoundedly at kelly like she doesn't know what she's talking about, like the term doesn't just explain itself. it was gross. anyway, kelly's going out with brandon again and she's all pissed at him cause he's looking at porn mags (for research he claims - haha). and she's talking about how it objectifies women and makes them feel insecure and insignificant. her beautiful mother who doesn't need a face lift is getting a face lift and her 7 yr old sister is dieting so kelly's real keen on this pornography is bad issue as though the existence of pornography is the reason why her mother and her sister are fucked up. excuse me, kelly, why don't you take a look around you? you live in beverly hills, for god's sake. they had this other girl on the show who i've never seen before who brandon asked about the pornography, and she's totally not uncomfortable about it, says she's all for free loving and sex being an open thing, etc., etc. which i thought was cool, but, of course, her parents were hippies. donna i guess is some sort of dress designer now, and so she's doing this photo shoot with these beautiful models to promote her clothes, but then at the end of the show she decides to go with normal looking chicks for her ads for her clothes because she doesn't want women to look at those pictures and think those skinny beautiful models are the ideal. no she rather spread the message that not being skinny and beautiful is ok, too. my whole irritation with the thing was that it wasn't about pornography at all. sure they blamed it all on pornography, but it's about "regular" magazines and just society in general. magazines are full of pictures of beautiful, thin models. it's not because of pornography that women have low self esteem, why kelly's mom's getting a face lift and her kid sister's dieting, or why this girl's cutting herself, it's because of the magazines that kelly does approve of, the ones that always tell you how to lose those 10 extra pounds, and tell you what clothes to wear and how to catch a man. please. leave porn out of it. if people like to fuck in front of a camera, and other people like to look at it, why do you have to go bugging them? if you don't like it, just stay the hell away from it, i'm not forcing you to watch. oh, and by the way, the girl that was cutting herself cause she felt bad about herself was fixed by the end of the show. not bad for a whole hour, huh?

april 27, 1998

a full week since i last checked in. i caved in and started smoking again. i figure, why torture myself? i've given up a lot of things in my life, things that are really hard to give up, and smoking is pretty much the only vice i have left. i figure i could really be much worse off. besides, arctander's smoking archives is so sexy. anyway, i was leaving work today (i work part time in a barnes & noble while i'm looking for a regular job right now) and was checking out a book on mapplethorpe, and one of the guys i work with commented on what a freak he was. i said he wasn't a freak, and he said he'd like to know what i thought was a freak. i said he'd die to know what i was into. can you imagine me showing him this site?

april 20, 1998

this smoking thing is kicking my ass. i was so lazy all day today. i had a job interview so i had to get made up and leave the house, but if it weren't for that i'd probably be lying in bed still. i'm still having weird dreams and eating candy like i'm making up for all those months of healthy eating and i haven't been to the gym yet. last night i dreamt that i thought i won the lottery only to find out that i'd been mislead and was off by one number. but i still got 5000 bucks cause i got 5 of 6 numbers which i used to pay off some money i owe the government.

april 18, 1998

i'm terribly irritable. i'm starting to wonder if i really want to quit smoking. it's the worst at night. and all i want are sweets and chocolate and fat, greasy foods which is one of the reasons i don't know if i should quit just now. i've been working my ass off at the gym - you know, lifting weights, running, and taking aerobics classes and i've lost a lot of weight, but i haven't been to the gym all week and i'm gaining weight and getting bloated and i'm just not happy about it. and a really nice guy emailed me yesterday with a great link of sexy pictures of women smoking which only makes me want to smoke more - check it out. thanks christian.

april 17, 1998

our cat came home! i was so excited. he was ravenous when he got home. i think that maybe he got caught in someone's garage or something for the past three days. we kept him in the house all day, and after work i ran to the pet store to buy him canned food (to bribe him to stay) and a collar and a tag with his name and our phone number on it (to brand him as ours). he is so dirty and smelly right now. his fur feels greasy and he smells like piss. i wish he could tell us where he'd been the last few days. but alas, i do not understand cat-speak.
april 15, 1998
we have this cat that we've had since he was born (his mom ran away when we moved to our new place a year ago). he was born with this weird legs. his hind legs looked like they were attached backwards and he didn't use them, he just dragged himself around with his front paws. it was kind of eery looking - like an injured soldier dragging himself on the ground. for a while, i was afraid his mom would kill him - you know how animals killed their deformed or sick newborns, but she didn't. and my boyfriend used to move his back legs for him - kitty physical therapy. and later on he was fine. you'd never know it to look at him that there was anything wrong with him ever. and he's a sweet sweet kitty cause he gets so much love. well, he's an indoor/outdoor cat and he's very independent, but he comes home every day, usually several times a day he'll come in and out. but he hasn't come home for 3 days now and we're so worried about him. last night i stayed up late working on my web page and stuff and all night i dreamt about my web page and this adult guy who had the mind of a 25 yr old and the body of a 2 year old. and i was hanging out with hooligans - like nelson from the simpsons, and then i dreamt that my kitty came home (he's not really a kitty - he's a big, 13 lb black and white cat with a belly on him), and not just my cat, but another cat, too (i think it was a cat that used to come visit us when we first moved in here). and my cat's fur was dirty and he looked skinnier. and then he went right back out again! and then i woke up and here i am.

april 14, 1998

wow. i've had a long break from this site and now i'm back. this is a completely new page; if you want to see the old pages, go to my old misc. page. ok, let's see...oh, i just quit smoking again - this is only my second time; my first time i quit for about a year and then took it back up on one halloween night. so anyway, i'm on the patch cause that's how i quit the first time and it worked pretty good for me. you're supposed to wear the patch 24/7 so even though i'm not usually smoking while i'm asleep, i'm suppposed to keep the patch on and i do cause i'm afraid that if i don't i'll be craving a cigarette in the morning and i'll cave under the pressure. so i wear it. only thing is - and it's not a bad side effect - is that it gives me these vivid dreams (and it always makes me wake up periodically throughout the night). last night i dreamt that i had sex with this guy that i used to have a crush on. now you know that i've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now, and we're really open - we talk about the people we occassionally are attracted outside of our relationship so he knows about this guy. so anyway, i dreamt that back when i had this crush on him, we had sex together and i was now starting to feel really really bad about it. it was driving my conscience crazy and i kept wondering if my boyfriend knew. and somehow there was all this evidence - journal entries, video tapes, pictures and stuff that i kept finding and destroying. and then i was like a pirate or on a pirate ship and somehow this was tied to my trying to get rid of this giant, old steamer trunk full of evidence of my affair. i can't remember the rest, but it was weird.

the other night (i've only been on the patch for 3 or 4 days now), i dreamt about kevin and or bean from the kroq morning show (if you've read anything i've got up on my site you know i'm a devout fan of theirs). i was living with one or the other of them (they both seem so similar on a physical level) and his wife, and i was like their helpmate. we got along great, there was nothing sexual about the relationship, i was just helping them (these descriptions don't do the dreams justice cause they're so vivid as i'm dreaming them, but you know how easily you forget them in the morning). the first night i dreamt that i was sleeping in the bed with an ex boyfriend and it was the middle of the night and all these people that i knew kept coming in and filling up the room. sleeping all over the place, smoking and drinking and peeing. there were people from my work, some relatives, other ex-boyfriends, and so much damn smoke.

ok, so this entry probably bored you to tears. give me a break, i've been lazy and i'm out of practice. give me a little while and i'll be back in the swing of things and electra's web will kick ass again; i swear it. you all come back now, you hear?

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